


Come back to life

by Fogfire



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2018-11-20 12:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 63,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11335740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fogfire/pseuds/Fogfire
Summary: Jim Kirk and Ark'a'li Guyet seem to be a match made in heaven, but when she falls to her death on a foreign planet and they can't find her body, Jim finds out that hell is what you turn yourself into.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pyrrhical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhical/gifts), [WondersoftheMultiverse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WondersoftheMultiverse/gifts).



> gifted this first chapter to two amazing authors who inspired me to write my own story...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

Her name is Ark'a'li and she's sleeping soundly in the Bed of the Captain.

Jim stops in the doorway of his own room, the door closing quietly behind him. He doesn't make a sound, careful to not wake her up but she stirs nonetheless.

Her eyes open slowly. It takes her a moment to focus on him but then she smiles.

„Hey...“, she croaks out with a sleepy voice, „You're done with your shift?“

He smiles, breaking the tension inside himself and steps towards her.

„Yeah.“, he hums breathlessly and bends down to press a soft kiss to her lips.

She sinks back onto the mattress and pulls the blanket over her.

„Good. Get into the bed then.“

„Impatient much, huh?“

She blushes, a rare look on her face. She's more of a warrior than any of his subordinates, hardly to fluster unless he flirts with her.

„I didn't mean it that way.“, she grumbles and presses her face into the pillows when he starts undressing.

„You say that but you were the one waiting for me in my bed.“

He kicks his shoes into the corner and slips out of his trousers, flinging them over the chair.

She glances towards his boxers, blushes and looks back to his face only to catch his grin.

„I thought I would return the favor. You'd just override my door code and slip into my cabin anyway.“

„Hey now! You make me sound like a pervert.“

„Which you are.“ She clips back but squeaks adorably when he starts to tickle her as punishment.

„How dare you to speak like that about your captain?“

She's unable to answer when he lets himself fall down on her, not stopping the tickling and she squeaks and squirms beneath him, begging him to stop.

„Mercy!“ She calls out breathlessly and he stops, rolling down from her and settling next to her.

„I was thinking.“, he tells her while she regains her breath. He sits up and pulls his golden shirt off, throwing it in the direction of his chair but missing terribly.

„You should move in with me.“

„What? Why?“ She sits up too, now fully awake.

„Because your bed sucks. It's too small for the both of us.“

She laughs but it's more in exasperation than amusement. „That's not what I meant.“

„But it  _is_  what I  _mean_. And don't tell me you want to keep it because you want to sleep alone from time to time. That's not a valid reason to keep that room.“

„I might want to sleep alone from time to time, actually. You fart like a pig when you've had too much whiskey.“

He grins back at her, not ashamed at all.

„As if you didn't do that too… I thought you would like the idea. We're together for almost six months now, we sleep in each other's beds even if we don't have sex, it would be cozy and nice, that's all I thought about.“

„Four months and three weeks… It's not just about cozy and nice. Everyone would notice, moving in with each other is the exact opposite of hiding our relationship behind closed doors.“

He shrugs. „Yeah. So?“

She throws her hands up in the air. „Why are you… so… ugh?“

He isn't bothered by it the slightest. „Says the woman that calls us perfectly alike.“

„I never said that.“

„No. You're right.“ He grins triumphantly. „You said I was perfect. And you moaned it quite often too.“

She hits him with a pillow.

They fight for almost half an hour, grunting and growling, hitting each other with soft pillows as hard as they can and sometimes even throwing the other to the floor for good measures.

Ark'a'li works her pillow fights like she works every fight. With experience and well-trained moves. And while she's looking back on years of training and tactics, he's fighting as dirty and impulsively as always and that secures him the win.

„I hate you.“ She tells him breathlessly when she's down on the floor, panting, trying to wriggle her legs free.

„Yeah.“ He leans down to kiss her but blows a strand of hair out of her face instead.

„I can totally see how you hate me, hugging me on the floor and things like that. Very hateful behavior.“

„Shut up.“ She raises her head and kisses him. It's quite straining in the position she's in and so she stops and leans back down. Like he would just let her stop like that.

 

Without her alarm clock going off, they probably wouldn't have gotten up from the floor.

Now she shoves Jim off of her and gets up, fishing her clothes from the desk.

„Where are you going?“

„Training.“

„Now? What good does that do?“

„It helps me think. I'm gonna think about your proposal.“

She explains and has to put on her Bra a second time because the word proposal makes her a bit nervous.

„So you're going to do chin-ups, stare at your massive arms and think about all the boxes you're going to lift over to my place? Can I come and watch?“

„You can use your attractive head and think about where I can put my stuff when I move in.“

„You said when not if.“

„And you're a wise ass. At least let me think about it for a night before you start anything drastic.“

„I can't promise but I'm gonna try.“

-

Other people run to free their mind but for Ark'a'li chin-ups work best. Kirk likes to make fun of her „massive arms“ but those arms have saved his sorry ass more than once already.

When she reaches her first hundred she halts, waiting until the tension in her muscles becomes unbearable and lets herself down to the floor.

She knows why she's so anxious about moving in. It's not so much about the space but about making their relationship public. There's no way they can hide sharing a room officially and there's no other reason to do it but being together.

It would stop all the rumors that are going around effectively but it would also give way to more.

Because now everyone is arguing if what there's between her and the Captain is still only the friendship that was there in the beginning or more. And those rumors are now more than three years old and not on the top of the agenda anymore.

But as soon as she moves in, people will talk about the when and where and why. They will compare her to the women he has been with in the past times, they will question every of their decisions, why she's allowed to go on that mission and why she works Gamma Shifts instead of Alpha.

It has never happened to herself but she has seen it happen to a friend. It's not what she wants but it's nothing she can stop from happening. And fearing it shouldn't stop her from being happy.  


When she gets up for the next hundred chin-ups, she's made up her mind but she falls back down shortly after. Her head is spinning and she's nauseous. She barely manages to pull the trash can towards her to empty her stomach into it.

She feels a lot better after that even if the smell is revolting. The Food on the ship can't make anyone sick but she remembers gorging herself earlier on a package of sweets that she's found in her cupboard. Maybe they weren't fresh anymore. She's too used to replicated food to remember checking the dates.

There's no point in training when she's sick so she gets up, cleans the trash can and makes her way to Scotty who's probably more than ready for his relay.

 

She forgets about the sickness while working. There's always more than enough to do, even with a ship as new as the Enterprise after their Encounter with Krall.

When it's time for her own relay, she's so tired that she debates to just go back to her own room which is way nearer to the engine room than Jims. But she knows how much he likes to see her before he has to leave for work and his bed is comfier anyway. Stupid Captain's privileges.

 

„Whoa, Lassie, you look like shit!“

Ark'a'li snorts at Scotty's depictions.

„Thanks. I needed that confirmation.“

„You sick? You should go see the Doc.“

„Nah.“ She gets up and clasps a hand around the back of her chair when the world spins for a moment. „Just need to get some sleep.“

„Well don't let the Captain keep you up,“ Scotty comments with a grin and a wink and Ark'a'li groans before she walks off.

Scotty is a friend but also one of the main reasons for all the rumors going around.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

She doesn't care if anyone sees her entering the Captains Quarters now that she's made up her mind but the hallways are empty anyway.  
To her surprise, Jim isn't fast asleep but already up and halfway dressed.  
„Tough night?“ He asks when he sees her face.  
She lets herself slump down on his bed before groaning a „Yeah“ into the pillows that smell like him.  
He chuckles and she fights back the sleep a last time to turn towards him.  
„I'm accepting it.“, she tells him for a lack of better words, „You can make us public.“  
„I never said I wanted to make us public.“ He argues but grins when she sends him a dirty look. „Oh, you mean moving? Why didn't you say so?“  
„Oh, shut up. And here I wanted to tell you that you were right but now I'm not so sure anymore.“  
„No, no, go on, tell me how right I was.“  
„Too late.“ She yawns loudly and snuggles deeper into the still warm bed, not bothering to pull off her clothes. „Gonna see you in the morning.“  
„Evening.“ He corrects her, giving up on digging her face out of the pillows in the favor of getting one last kiss. „We're gonna see each other in the evening.“  
„Wh'tever...“  
She's asleep before the door closes behind him, missing the look he throws back at her and the daily announcement of Captain Kirk over the Coms twenty minutes later

-

She wakes up minutes before Jims shifts end, hungry and groggy. She takes a shower in favour of waking her up and thinks about blow drying her hair when she realises that Jim still doesn't own a blow dryer anyway so she settles for braiding it. Without the earthly sun bleaching it white, it's the same colour as Jims.  
Ark'a'li stares at her own face in the mirror, that looks so much like her mother that it's unnerving at times. Then her corneal slides back and the black eyes of her father make her look like an entirely different person.  
The sound of the door opening pulls her out of her musing, her corneal slides back in place and her eyes are a muddy brown again.

„Ark'a'li?“  
She steps out of the bathroom.  
„Yeah?“  
Jim looks at her questioningly. „I'm surprised. Everything still looks the same.“  
She frowns. „What were you expecting? I just woke up, you need to be patient with me.“  
„You slept the whole day?“ He asks surprised and she nods a bit sheepishly.  
„I was really tired. How was your day?“  
„Well, as you didn't hear anything from anyone yet, you have to take my word for everything..“  
He's all boyish grin and sparkling eyes again, her favorite look on him.  
„Do I, really? I might ask Nyota too, you know, for good measures?“  
She links arms with him and smiles, trying to copy his mischievious look.  
„You can do that, but I'm your entrusted boyfriend and your Captain. Doesn't that give my words more weight?“  
„Maybe.“, she agrees and steps out the door when her stomach growls painfully, „But I'm dying of hunger any moment so you will have to speak your weighty words on the way to Mess Hall.“

 

„How can you be so hungry when you did nothing but sleep all day?“  
Jim stares at the amount of food on Ark'a'lis plate and she shrugs, not the least bit bothered by his comment.  
„I have more muscles then you. They need to be fed.“  
„Oh, wow, you didn't just stay that.“ He puts on his most scandalized tone but ruins it by laughing at his own joke.  
She smiles back and digs into her food. Not long and they're almost racing each other. Jim wins by far and almost throws his arms up in triumph before he remembers that he's the Captain and everyone's already looking at him, judging his table manners from afar.  
Ark'a'li slaps his arm, hard.  
„You cheated.“, she claims, „I had way more food on my plate.“  
„Not my problem. The rules don't say anything about the amount of food. Plate is plate and winner is winner. Now, if you excuse me, I have to think about the price I want.“  
He puts on the most thoughtful face he can muster when he's not actually serious, something like a cross between constipation and anger.  
She laughs and finishes her plate slowly.  
Her stomach starts to hurt but she finishes it anyway. It's her fault for eating so fast.

„We've got a crew meeting tomorrow at 0900 and you get out of your shift at 0800, right?“  
He tells her calmy when she pushes her plate away.  
„Yeah.“  
„That means we've got an hour for us.“ He wiggles his eyebrows. It looks more funny than seductivly and she knows he does it only to make her laugh. He's too good at flirting and everything else to not look that crazy on purpose.  
She's thankful for that. Not the part that he has a history as a womanizer but that he's putting on the funny act out of consideration for her feelings. It's her first relationship after all, her first everything and she sucks at flirting as it is.  
Ark'a'li makes a disgusted face.  
„But I'm gonna be all greasy and oily after the shift.“  
„Well, we're gonna shower together then.“ He proposes and an ensign on the table behind them chokes on his drink.  
Jim turns around calmly.  
„Everything okay?“ He asks and sounds actually worried.  
„Yes, Captain, Sir.“, the boy squeaks and Ark'a'li feels almost sorry for him.  
Their moment is over, she doesn't feel like joking around anymore and stands up.  
„I need to get to work.“  
„I'll walk you there.“

The hallways are quiet when they walk towards the machine room.  
Almost everyone is at the Mess Hall and their initial conversation about earthly cars and motor bikes dies down to comfortable silence.  
„You're not mad, are you?“ Jim asks „I would have put you on the Away Team too, you know, but you were working Gamma Shift and I thought you were probably busy packing or-“  
„No. Not mad. Just tired.“  
„How so? You slept the whole day.“  
She shrugs. „More groggy then tired. I forgot my coffee.“  
„I can get you one. We can drink it here, together.“  
„No.“ Her refusal is clear. Walking together is one thing because she knows how restless he can be, but letting the Captain bring you coffee and drinking it with him when you're supposed to be working is a whole different affair.  
„Coffee isn't allowed in the machine room.“ She explains when he looks dissapointed.  
„I know you mean well, but… no. No coffee breaks at work, even when it's the Captain bringing the coffee.“ She smiles softly and he rolls his eyes but agrees.  
„I bet Scotty would let me bring him coffee.“  
„I would, but you never offer.“ Scottys voice rings out from beneath them and they look down at him through the steelbars of the small walkway  
„See.“ Jim grins back at her excitedly. „I'm just going to bring both of you a coffee. Scotty will allow it. He has to, I'm the Captain.“  
„I'm not allowing it.“ Scotty steps onto the staircase and glares up at them. „You're just going to distract everyone and no work gets done. Now Lassie, come down here, I have to show you what you're going to work on tonight.“  
„Coming.“ She tells him and turns back to Jim to say good bye when Scottys voice rings out again.  
„No time for a goodbye kiss. We're already behind on schedule.“  
Ark'a'li rolls her eyes but Jim grins and kisses her anyway, albeit shortly..  
„See you in the morning.“

-

In theory, Jim's plan didn't sound that bad.  
But now it's 0800, she's burnt her hand pretty badly, there's grease and oil and something slimy on her clothes, her hair and even her face. Her stomach hurts again and she's not sure if it's hunger, the missing coffee or if she's swallowed some of the things she's worked with – that happened more often than Star Fleet liked to know – and there's a faint pounding in the back of her head from when she hit it.  
If they would let her, she'd just roll into a ball on the floor and sleep then and there.  
„You should go to med-bay and get that hand checked out.“ She doesn't remember the Lieutenants name that waits with her for the relief but she nods as if she's taking her words into consideration.

But then Scotty's here and Keenser too and she's just doing what she always does, just follows the promises she's made.  
She stumbles more then walks through the door of the Captain's quarters. Kirk's on the bed and she doesn't even check if he's already awake, just walks into the shower, more than ready to wash the slimy, oily, greasy stuff off of her. 

For a long time, she had been too proud to let him see her weak. And when they started dating she was afraid of disappointing him like she was probably doing it right now.  
But he understands. He sees the exhaustion in her eyes, tells her to hold her hand out of the shower and washes her hair for her before she can even ask for help.  
They're growing, she thinks, both as a person and as a couple. At least she hopes that this is what's happening with them.  
„Don't sleep so long again.“ He tells her with a kiss when he has to leave for his own shift.

-

She wakes up eight hours later thanks to her communicator beeping.  
When she stretches her hand out to grab it from the chair, one of the blisters on the burn opens and she hisses out in pain. She sits up and grabs the communicator with the other hand, flipping it open.  
„Guyet?“ She asks without looking at the I.D.  
„Where the hell are you?“ McCoys voice is so loud that she has to move the Communicator away from her ear.  
„What are you talking about?“  
„What am I talking- Are you kidding me?“ His southern drawl is even more prominent when he's angry like that, making it difficult to understand with her head still foggy from sleeping.  
„No, Bones, I really don't know what I'm missing. Why don't you tell me?“ She tries to keep calm.  
„First, you get your ass to med bay. Now.“  
The call ends with a click and Ark'a'li allows herself a frustrated sigh before she slips out of bed and faces the task of dressing herself when she can only use one hand.  
Allthough she's pretty proud of the outcome at first, the feeling wavers when she enters med bay. Bones is her friend, but she hates being here. And she hates being here when he's angry and obviously angry at her.  
„You think this is a damn joke?“ He yells and grabs her burned hand, ignoring her yelping out in pain.  
„How did you even know about it?“ She hisses when he pushes her back onto one of the bio-beds and scans her hand.  
„Lieutenant Singh came by, asking for you. And knowing you and knowing her I told her you'd skip by after a quick nap but you didn't and then Jim called to tell me the great news and mentioning your hand and I knew it had to be serious. Jim doesn't mention a burn unless it's on you or a pretty bad one but here we have both at the same time.“  
„It's not that bad.“  
He looks at you like you're gone mad.  
„Not that bad? That's a second degree burn bordering to third degree and only the fact that you can still feel pain means that your nerves aren't damaged. Are you really that stupid or just trying to be?“  
„I prefer stubborn over stupid.“ She tries to pull her hand back but he has a vice like grip on it.  
„Sure, everyone does.“ He comments, lets go of your hand and gives you a hypospray.  
„I hate those.“  
„I know. That's why I gave you one. That's what you get for ignoring a burn and not coming to me and asking me if moving in with Jim would be a good idea.“  
„Why would I do that?“ She asks, examining her shoes instead of looking up at him.  
„Because you're… what… six months together now? It's too early for moving together.“  
„Why?“ She asks, careful not to show her emotions in her voice.  
Bones sighs and stops the dermal regenerator.  
„I don't want you to be hurt. Neither you nor Jim.“  
„And you think moving together will hurt us?“  
„I'm just worried.“ He sighs, obviously frustrated with the situation. „You're just… so alike. And with the possibility of making someone ecstatic there's also the possibility of breaking him. Or her.“  
„Is that what happened with you?“ Ark'a'li looks at him, facing his resentment.  
„This is not about me.“  
„But I'm making it about you. Like you're making moving in with him about me… Do I have to remind you that you've always wavered between urging me to go out with Jim and telling me that being just friends was a better idea?“  
„I'm just worried.“  
„I know.“ She puts her good hand on his shoulder. „Don't worry. If we get to the point where our relationship could hurt the crews dynamics, I'm going to leave. That was my deal with Jim and I'm going to keep it.“  
„That's a weird deal to start a relationship with.“ Bones mumbles and starts the dermo regenerator again.  
„There are worse, I suppose.“


	3. Chapter 3

Bones lets her leave when her hand is fully healed. She knows better than to tell him about the other symptoms she’s showing. He’d just worry about nothing.  
She goes to pack her things instead. Now it comes in handy that she’s spent almost her whole life on star ships. The main difference to rooms on a planet? You can’t just let your things lie around on every surface, even if Jim is trying to – because a star ship is moving at all times and your things will move too if they’re not attached to wall or floor.  
Therefore her belongings are all easy to store away and fit in the bag she was given by the Academy when she graduated. Besides her uniforms, a small assortment of clothes suitable for shore leaves, a blowdryer and a few knifes she was given by a friend from earth she only owns a few holo-images. One of her mother from her own time on Starfleet Academy, one of her father, one of herself on Graduation day and one of her and Jim taken a few months into their five-year flight.  
She flips it open and stares at the two of them, awkwardly standing next to each other. She tries to remember why the picture was taken but she only remembers that Scotty handed her way too many drinks afterward resulting in one of her worst hangovers ever.  
Maybe it’s time for a new picture. One she could carry with her like she’s seen Bones do with the Holo-image of his daughter. She could ask for it on their next shore-leave.

She’s done moving in before Jim’s shift ends. Instead of taking another nap like her body is craving, she puts the bottle of scotch she wanted to give him for their five month anniversary – that he swears happened a few weeks ago – on his desk and tapes a note to it before she leaves.  
There’s an ensign walking down the hallway when she steps out and he raises his eyebrows at her but she raises hers back at him. He lowers his head and walks faster and she shrugs it off.  
Bothering about it won’t help anyone.  
Instead of training like she’d usually do right now, she walks back towards med-bay, hoping that Bones won’t be there.  
She’s lucky.

„Can I help you?“ One of the nurses asks her. „Dr. McCoy just took a break but I can call him in if you need him.“  
Her eyes flick down to the bandage on her hand that wasn’t really necessary – in her opinion.  
„Oh no, don’t bother him in his break. It’s just that I’ve been feeling a bit uneasy and tired in the last days and wanted to ask if there’s something I can do. I sleep a lot more than usual, but I’m still exhausted and Gamma Shifts is getting more to me than it used to.“  
„Are you feeling a bit sick too? Throwing up, dizziness?“ The nurse asks and Ark'a'li is so surprised about the question that she lies without thinking.  
„No, just tired. Why?“  
„Oh, nothing then.“ The nurse gives her a smile that is just as fake as Ark'a'lis answer was.  
„I’ll give you some vitamins and if any of those symptoms or others show up, come back, allright?“  
„Sure.“ Ark'a'li lies again and takes the bottle with red pills.  
„Take one a day with a glass of water after you ate something.“  
She nods and leaves, opens the bottle in the hallway, pops two of the read pills into her mouth and swallows them dry. They’re just vitamins after all, nothing serious.

She throws them back up before she even reaches their room, sliding into own of the few toilets on the way and washing her mouth out in the sink afterward.  
There’s no way she’s going back to the nurse and telling her that she’s lied. And talking to Bones about it isn’t an option either.  
To hell with it, she thinks, it’s just a stomach bug, nothing serious.  
-  
They skip dinner in favor of sipping scotch in their now shared room.  
She shows him the holo-image of them and rests her tired head on his shoulders when he laughs at their faces and tells her stories of that evening.  
She’s never hated working Gamma shift as much as she does right now, when his arm is slung around her and the bed and his body are warm and comfy.  
„Don’t drink all the scotch.“ She orders and gets up slowly when her alarm reminds her that she has only five minutes to make the ten minute walking distance down to the machine room.  
„Won’t promise anything.“ He tells her with a smirk.  
„Fine.“ She grumbles. „But if you must drink it tonight, share it with Bones. He was in a foul mood and Scotch might make him feel better about all those stupid patients.“  
„You’re too nice to him.“  
„Tell that him. Not me.“  
-  
It’s a unusual calm night in the machine room.  
There’s nothing to repair, just monitoring the Warp core and the machines because their projects are at a standstill for the night.  
Ark'a'li hates to admit it, but she falls asleep around midnight and is only awoken by a loud and incessant beeping.  
She jerks up, hits her head and assesses the problem while cursing under her breath at the new throbbing pain at the back of her skull.  
When Lieutenant Singh arrives at her position, decoyed by the noise, she’s got everything under control again but she’s still blushing from embarassment.  
„I fell asleep.“ She admits and Singh nods with a serious look on her face.  
„If you’re not able to keep awake during Gamma shift, ask your Lieutenant commander to sort you into another shift. Falling asleep on monitoring duty jeopardizes the whole ship.“  
„I know.“ Ark'a'li admits ruefully. „I just…“  
„You were at med-bay today.“ The other woman interrupts her. „Everything is okay, I hope?“  
„I’m not sure.“ Ark'a'li admits. She wants to talk to someone about her worries but isn’t sure if Singh is the right person.  
„I haven’t been feeling well lately, but I can’t stomach the Vitamin pills they gave me for my exhaustion.“  
Singh throws a look over her shoulder before she pulls Keensers chair towards her to sit on it.  
„Did you take them after eating something? Vitamin pills come often in high dosages and you need a strong stomach to handle that.“  
The look on Ark'a'lis face must tell her everything because she heaves a frustrated sigh.  
„Do you ever listen to the things the nurses tell you? That’s why I left med-bay to work in engineering. Machines always do what you tell them to do.“  
„You worked in med-bay?“ Ark'a'li asks and Singh nods with a small smile.  
„I actually remember having to clean up after Captain Kirk because he thought he didn’t need to eat before taking his vitamins either. That’s why we started giving him everything per hypospray. Doesn’t Bones do that with you too?“  
„Bones didn’t give me the Vitamins. A nurse did.“  
Singh looks at her with the same serious look from before.  
„You’re not feeling nauseous too, right? Dizziness? Throwing up?“  
Ark'a'li knows that she can’t lie to Singh. The older woman would see straight through it. So she avoids the question completely.  
„The nurse asked me that too. What would those symptoms mean?“  
„That you’re pregnant.“ Singh states bluntly and gets up. „But you aren’t, are you?“  
„No, I’m not.“ Ark'a'li mumbles through the sudden daze. „I’m definitely not.“  
„Well, if you were, I’d advise you to ask for a shift change. I don’t want to find you sleeping on monitoring duty again.“  
„Allright, Lieutenant Singh.“ Ark'a'li somehow manages a steady voice and Singh smiles down at her.  
„It’s Lucy. And I’m not you superior. I’m just a friend.“  
-  
„I fell asleep during monitoring duty.“ She tells Scotty when he comes back for the day shift.  
„You did? Is everything allright?“ He grabs her by the shoulders and she smiles down at him.  
„Don’t worry. I was at med-bay yesterday and they gave me something. I just took it the wrong way and that’s why I was so out of it. It won’t happen again.“  
She smiles at a passing Singh who nods her head in a silent greeting.  
Scotty lets go of her and sighs. „Good. Don’t make me worry, Lassie, I don’t like to be worried. If anything is wrong, don’t be scared to tell me.“  
„I will. But there’s nothing wrong.“ She smiles at him and he lets her step aside, out of the machine room.  
-  
She’s afraid. And she hates to be afraid.  
At least the fear is keeping her awake, making her aware of everything and everyone around her.  
It’s 0900 and her face is pressed against Jim’s bare chest, listening to his heart beat.  
„Lieutenant Singh told me that you used to throw up the Vitamin pills.“ She draws a spiral onto his shoulder blade and watches him shiver at the soft touch.  
„Lieutenant Singh?“ He mumbles with that heavy, relaxed voice that’s her second favorite.  
„Used to work in med-bay but changed to engineering.“  
„Ah.“, he mumbles and wriggles his fingers that are splayed across her lower back. „Lucy Singh. She was the best nurse to get a hypospray from. Never hurt.“  
„Why did she change?“  
„She never really told me that. You know how she is. Doesn’t talk much. More of a listener.“  
„Hmmm…“  
There’s a lot she wants to say. Or ask.  
If he thinks she can trust Singh with a secret or if she’s known to gossip. How often pregnancies occur on starships. If he ever thinks about having a baby. Are there any diseases that have the same symptoms as pregnancies. If he’s slept with Singh. If Singh has a crush on Bones. Or Scotty.  
But instead an entirely different question stumbles over her lips before she can stop herself.  
„Do you even like licorice?“  
„What?“ He raises his head to look at her and she pushes back her hair, threading her fingers through to make herself think.  
„Licorice. Those black things you have on earth. I had some of it in my bag with sweets I think but they tasted not like I remembered them.“  
„That stuff is nasty, how can you even eat it?“  
„I swallow it whole.“ She shrugs and he laughs at that, a loud booming laughter that shakes his whole body.  
„God, you’re perfect.“ He mumbles against her lips afterwards and that’s as close to an I love you as Jim Kirk gets.  
„You’re actually even more.“ She quips back.  
-  
She’s made a deal with herself.  
Take the vitamins as ordered, sleep eight hours a day, eat and drink enough.  
If she’s still so out of it at the end of the week, she’ll face her fears and talk to Bones.  
But she doesn’t throw up and the feelings of dizziness and nausea seem like a bad memory or a dream. She’s still tired but she’s already taking vitamins against it and when the week ends she will be back in Beta Shift.  
Besides, she tells herself, they have been careful, every time. And those things are safe, right?

“Hey…”  
Lucy takes the seat next to her without asking and Ark'a'li sends her a thankful smile. Everyone knows about her and Jim now and even though there were no bad reactions, she doesn’t like sitting in Mess Hall alone.  
“Feeling better?” Lucy asks and takes a bite of her own food, something that looks like meat and gravy with mashed potatoes.  
“Yeah.” It’s not a lie.  
Ark'a'li takes a bite of her own salad. It’s hard to eat healthy when she’s longing for a good steak.  
“I’m trying to eat healthier. Still pretty tired but I’m taking the vitamins… the right way now.”  
“That’s great.” Lucy smiles and nods towards the next table. Fifteen Ensigns are sitting on benches that are designed for ten people.  
“Are they bothering you?”  
“No. But if they bother you, I can make them leave.”  
“How?”  
Ark'a'li smiles mischievously and looks at her, letting the corneal slide back slowly before she turns towards the nosy ensigns, giving them her best demon look.  
A few squeaks are heard and two or three of them get up to leave, while the rest turns back towards their food and Ark'a'li lets her corneal slide back again.  
“At times like this, it comes in handy that my eyes look creepy.”  
“I’ve seen creepier.” Lucy quips back and Ark'a'li laughs.  
“Really? I don’t believe you.”  
“Well, there’s Andorian Herpes, for example, it makes your eyeballs bleed and it looks absolutely disgusting.”  
“Tell me more. That sounds like a story I can use for my collection of horror stories.”  
“That sounds like something you’d do. Collect horror stories.”  
Ark'a'li isn’t sure if this is supposed to be a compliment or an insult so she just smiles and asks Lucy to tell her every little detail.  
-  
It’s her last Gamma shift for a while and although she’s not looking forward to working through the night, she’s more than relieved to get it over with. She’s been rather cranky for the last days, carefully holding herself together. No one deserves to be on the other end of her unreasonable anger.

But then she’s woken up just at the beginning of her nap because of her communicator. It’s 1700 and there are five messages on her communicator and all five of them tell her to come to med-bay because of Jim.  
“What did you do?” She asks, her anger shoved down so far that her voice sounds almost disinterested. The last bit of panic in her dies down when she sees Jim awake and not excessively hurt, sitting on one of the bio-beds.  
“Why does everyone assume that it was my fault?”  
“You would ask the same if it was me sitting here.” She tells him and steps aside when a nurse brings Bones some equipment.  
She pats his shoulder and turns to the Doctor instead.  
„What’s the matter with him?“  
Bones angry, but there’s hardly a time where he isn’t.  
“Jimmyboy here thought it would be a good idea to touch flowers on his last away mission, even though I fucking told him not to.“  
„You didn’t mention that particular flower.“  
Bones snaps his pen in half.  
„I didn’t mention it because I thought you would be less of an idiot for once, but no…!“  
„Bones!“ Ark'a'li doesn’t mean for her tone to be so piercing but it works.  
He looks up at her, eyebrows raised skeptically.  
„Could you just tell me in short as to why I’m here? Besides holding Jims hand?“  
„Did you notice the purple spots appearing on his legs?“ He asks casually, as if it’s something commonly asked during coffee break.  
„I think I have other things to focus on but his legs when we’re together.“ She snaps back and Jim muffles a snort.  
„Funny.“ Bones grumbles. „But those spots come from those flowers, at least we think they do. And he only thought about telling us when his tongue turned blue too.“  
Ark'a'lis eyes flick back to Jim who smiles and sticks out his tongue at her. It’s entirely blue, the exact same shade as the shirt Bones wears. She fights down her anger again and sticks out her own red one.  
Jim laughs. „Want to make purple?“ He winks.  
„Stop flirting!“ Bones demands angrily. „Jim could loose his legs and you too.“  
Ark'a'li looks back at him. „He could?“ Her voice is calm again, but it’s getting harder to feel calm too.  
„Well, Hell if I’d know! We’re still testing. The shit could be deathly or contagious or both. Space plants kill you if you let them.“  
„You’re exaggerating.“ Jim moans in annoyance. „It’s not that bad.“  
„Not that bad my ass… Ark'a'li, get your ass onto a bio-bed, I’m going to examine you in a moment.“  
„I’m fine!“ She claims and Bones looks at her with disbelief.  
"Did you even hear a word I was saying? The shit’s contagious. And I don’t even want to know where he’s touched you since that stupid Away-mission.”  
Ark'a'lis face must be the color of ripe tomatoes now, but she’s not letting him examine her. Not if she’s still not sure about anything…  
„You’re the one not listening to yourself. You said you weren’t sure yet. It’s been almost a week and there are no purple dots on my body.“  
„Oh and you looked closely this morning, did you?“ Bones fires back.  
„Maybe I did!“ She hisses, full on angry now. „You’re not examining me and that’s final.“  
She rips her hand out of Jims and storms out of med-bay before they can stop her.  
Running away… Classic way to win an argument.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

Ark'a'li takes her nap in the room she usually trains in. She hasn’t been here in a week and that’s another thing that’s upsetting her. That and the fact that her constant exhaustion is the only thing that’s allowing her to sleep when she’s angry like that.  
She wakes up and goes down to the machine room. She has ten new messages on her communicator but she doesn’t read them.  
She’s rebelling and her reasons are pride, confusion, and fear.  
It’s not the first time she’s glad that she’s serving under Captain Kirk of all people. No one else would allow such a behavior.

Shortly after midnight she leaves her monitoring post and walks over to Lucy.  
„Why did you leave med-bay?“ Her voice is a tad bit too loud, even for the ever noisy machine room. It sounds shrill even in her own ears. As if she’s scared.  
Lucy turns around.  
„Come again.“  
„I’m sorry.“ Ark'a'li takes a seat on the floor. That’s not allowed – and dangerous too – but she does not have it in her to look for a chair first. „I just… I’m trying to take my mind of something and that’s the only other question bothering me.“  
„It wasn’t for me. That’s all.“ Lucy looks back at her display and punches in a code.  
Ark'a'li waits.  
„Is that like me and being Captain?“  
„No. You’d have to leave the ship to become a Captain. And leaving the ship would mean leaving Kirk. I just realized I was always more of a tinkerer than a healer.“  
„Do you think Jim’s Flower disease is contagious?“  
„No. I talked to Dr. McCoy earlier. It’s not spreading…“  
Ark'a'li pulls her knees to her chest and rests her chin on them.  
She has only a few memories of her mother, but she imagines her to be like Lucy. Even though Lucy is only about ten years older than her.  
It’s nice having someone to talk to.  
„How safe are contraceptives?“  
The older woman stops her work to look at her and Ark'a'li turns her head away, blushing.  
„Not as safe as we wish them to be. But if used correctly, there’s nothing to fear.“  
„How…“ Ark'a'li stops and tries again. „How many diseases have the symptoms Exhaustion, Nausea, and Dizziness?“  
Lucy snorts. „A lot. The Romulan stomach worm for example. They get into your stomach, where they feed on your stomach acid, grow and bite through your stomach.“  
„Doesn’t that hurt like hell?“  
„Oh yes, and it bleeds a lot too. If you’re lucky enough to experience it, the worm digs itself out of your stomach, your abdominal cavity and then your skin.“  
„Sounds like a horror story for my collection. Ever seen it?“  
Lucy laughs. „No. We diagnosed the disease early and got the worm out before he broke through. But the lady never ate spicy again, I can assure you that.“  
„How do those worms taste like?“  
„I wouldn’t know. Never tried one.“  
There’s a faint beeping from Ark'a'lis station and she gets up with a sigh.  
„Do you think I overreacted today?“  
„I don’t know. Did you?“ Lucys voice is calm as always and Ark'a'li sighs again.  
„I think I did… How do you know me so well?“  
„Do I do that?“ Lucy asks back and smiles at her. „I’m just making you think. Now go back to work.“  
„Aye, sir.“ She salutes and walks back.  
„Still not your superior!“ Lucy calls after her.  
-  
At times like this Ark'a'li wishes to be more afraid of confrontation.  
Instead, she walks head on into her room.  
Jim’s lying on the bed, clad in his boxers, his skin dotted with a yellow, grainy substance.  
„Did you bomb a pudding?“ She asks and strips out of her uniform. He doesn’t even look at her. That tells her enough about his mood.  
Not willing to give in first, she climbs over him to get onto her side of the bed.  
Only when she’s pressed against his side, he talks.  
„What the hell happened today? You never act like that.“  
„I didn’t want to get examined.“  
„We never want to get examined but it wasn’t a big deal. They didn’t even need to draw blood.“  
„Still.“  
„And you answered none of my messages. I’m still your Captain. It could have been work related.“  
„Was it?“ She asks and regrets it immediately.  
„That’s not the point,“ He argues, sitting up to look at her, his voice rising from anger, „If you have a problem, you address it. My problem right now: you’re acting like a selfish brat.“  
„You’re the one who got in trouble! No one told you to touch the damn flowers!“ Now she’s shouting too, facing him.  
They’re both only in their underwear, but not the sight of it nor the fact that they’re arguing on the bed of all places takes the edge of their argument.  
„As if it’s about the damn flowers! You would have touched them too!“  
„How would you know? When’s the last time we were on an away mission together, huh?“  
Blue eyes are piercing into her.  
„That’s why you’re angry? Because you get to work in the machine room like you asked for?“  
„No! I… I just…“  
She gets up, climbs out of the bed and grabs some clothes from the floor without even looking at them.  
„Hey!“ He’s already coming after her, grabbing her arm and pulling her back. „Hey, Ark'a'li, don't… let’s not fight.“  
„I didn’t want to fight.“, she claims, still moody, but stops in her tracks.  
„Get into bed,“ he orders with a stiff voice, „Read the damn messages I sent you. Take a nap with me.“  
„Fine,“ she grumbles and drops the clothes on the floor.  
She deletes the messages from Bones without looking at them.  
Jim snorts in her ear and she rolls her eyes.  
„Stop reading my messages. I could have a secret lover.“  
„Like you would.“ He argues, mood already lighter.  
Finally, she gets to the messages from him, after reading those from everyone else, telling her to get in touch with the Captain.  
She sighs and drops the Communicator.  
„I have to put the balm on your back?“ She asks, even though it’s unnecessary. She’s got three messages from him, asking her to do so.  
„Yes, please.“  
„Who did the front?“  
„I did it myself because you wouldn’t.“  
She rolls her eyes at him and grabs the balm.  
„I hope it itched like hell.“  
-  
Ark'a'li doesn’t sleep well.  
The argument, or rather the unsettling feeling of it, is resting heavy in her stomach. At least it feels like that. As if she’s swallowed a rock.  
Jim’s spooning her, snoring into her neck.  
His hands are clasped on her stomach, squeezing slightly whenever he falls back into whatever dream he’s experiencing.  
Every time he does that, she wakes up from her light slumber, her stomach hurting.  
It might be psychosomatic, but it could also be the replicated sprouts from earlier.

At 1300 her bladder feels like it’s about to burst and she slowly slips out of Jim’s grasp.  
„Wh’t?“ He mumbles groggily. She presses her face into his neck.  
„Shh… Go back to sleep. Just need to pee.“  
He makes a sound at the back of his throat and stretches his hands out, hugging her pillow instead.  
It’s cute. He’s cute.  
When she exits the bathroom she stops in front of the bed.  
At times like this, she wishes she were back on any planet, able to step outside to take a quick breath. To go for a run even. But there are just the same white tiles outside that are surrounding her now.  
She sighs defeated and picks the clothes up, folding his and leaving them on the desk.  
Monitoring duty isn’t even half as dirty as repair work and after a quick examination, she decides that her clothes are still good to go for another shift and slips into them.  
If she’d given in and let Bones examine her, she might have a free day too now. But she’d always choose work over sitting around.

Two hours into her shift her Communicator beeps. Elbow deep in the greasiest part of a machine that’s bigger than her body, she shoots Scotty a look.  
He pulls the device from her belt and flips it open.  
„Guyets Comm, Scotty speaking. What’s the matter?“ He quips, the scottish accent thicker than ever.  
„Kirk here, send her up to the bridge. There’s an away mission crew waiting for her.“  
„We’re in the middle of fixing up the-“  
„The crew wants to leave soon. Can the fixing wait?“  
„I can do it without her but she’s not learning anything when she’s not doing it herself.“  
„I’m coming.“ Ark'a'li announces. „We’re gonna go over the details another time, alright?“  
Scotty doesn’t look like he thinks it’s alright but he takes over on the machine.  
„Leave me some work for later.“ Ark'a'li jokes and he does a half smile.

When she steps onto the bridge she’s still rubbing a spot of grease on her uniform.  
But before she can get a word out, Bones almost shoves her to the side.  
„Sorry.“ He tells her and steps forward, grabbing Jim’s arm.  
„Are you insane?“ He asks, anger apparent in his voice, „You can’t go on an away mission! You’re not cleared yet and don’t tell me it’s nothing because you’ve still got purple spots on your neck!“  
„It’s just-“  
„No, it’s not just- It’s never ‘just’ with you. You’re going to get bitten by a man-eating plant down there, or infected with an insane, extremely deadly virus and you’re not in a condition to conquer that.“  
„Bones…“  
„He’s right,“ Ark'a'li interferes, „You shouldn’t go.“  
Bones thanks her, not even looking back at her, still focused on Jim, while Jim stares at her, blue eyes filled with emotions that are definitely not positive.  
„Ark'a'li. On a word,“ He orders stiffly and directs her away from the bridge crew towards the turbo lift.  
They step inside, wordless. She avoids the eyes of the others and looks down at the white floor while he presses a button.  
The door closes, the lift takes off and with the push of another button, the lift halts abruptly.  
Jim isn’t one to seek private conversations, so doing it now, it must be very bad.  
„What’s your problem?“ He hisses at her as if the only thing holding back his anger are his clenched teeth.  
„What?“ She snaps back, „Being reasonable is the same as having a problem now? You know you can’t go down there!“  
„Oh, you know I can! It’s a bloody rash at best! You once went to a planet and back with at least one dislocated joint!“  
„Because I fucking had to! This is not the same thing!“  
„Yes, it is!“  
„No, it isn’t! It’s just you being Captain James T. Kirk again!“ Ark'a'li yells, „The one who has to do everything himself but especially if it’s risky!“  
„You wanted to do a mission together!“ He yells back.  
„I never said immediately!“ She lowers her voice, trying to calm down. „Just… Look, it’s about your safety…“  
„Fine,“ He hisses, „I’m switching Sulu in for me. Happy now? Enjoy walking a foreign planet with him and your pointy-eared best friend.“  
Jim presses a button and the Lift stutters back to life.  
Ark'a'li opens her mouth to say something, hell, to tell him that she isn’t in the condition to go herself but he shuts her down with one look.  
„I’m so close to losing it,“ He tells her with the calmest voice he can muster, „Say one more thing and we’re leaving that planets orbit without even looking at it again.“  
So she stays silent, telling herself that she’s going to be fine. A little stomachache won’t keep her from doing her job, right?  
-  
From stepping out of the turbo lift to appearing on the planet’s surface, the atmosphere keeps being tense. No one’s really looking at her and Ark'a'li can’t blame them. She’s been friends with Jim for over three years before they got together, he’s never been that angry before, at least not directed at her.  
Maybe Bones is right. She can make him happy, but also very, very mad.  
They land on a mountain plateau. Only fifteen meters to the left the stone forms a steep cliff, about twenty meters above a raging river.  
The wind is howling and they have to shout to be able to understand each other.  
„According to Starfleet there was a science outpost here but the occupants went missing after a few months. That was years ago, it’s just a quick visit, looking for something unusual and taking data from the computers…“ Sulu explains to Ark'a'li as they make their way down from the plateau.  
„The river looks alive.“ She yells back at him, the wind taking her words with him.  
Sulu looks at her and she points towards the river.  
„Alive!“ She yells again, exaggerating the movement of her lips so he can read them.  
He looks down at the dark water that is curling and moving like it is, indeed, alive – and shudders.  
„Careful with your steps!“ Spock’s voice reaches them in one of the spare moments where the wind calms down a bit.  
Ark'a'li looks at the ground, a small, steep path just a few steps above the edge, coarse gravel moving with every step.  
She looks back up at Spock, who must feel incredibly uncomfortable in the cold, biting wind.  
It happens very fast. Too fast actually.  
One moment she’s looking at the Vulcan who walks in the front, at the way his ears are turning greenish from the harsh wind. Then a wave of dizziness hits her, hard as a truck coming through.  
Her right knee buckles, the left one follows and she’s toppling over to the side, where the river seems to be reaching up to her.  
She screams but the wind rips the sound from her lips. Trying to regain her balance fails, the gravel under her feet has gained momentum and when her knees meet the ground, it’s like a deathly slide, pushing her down, towards the cliff and the water. She screams again, clutching at the ground, trying to get a hold of something, anything, that can stop her fall.  
She hears something, maybe the wind, maybe Sulu calling her name, but she can’t be sure. Somehow she manages to turn herself around, fingers digging into the ground, palms bleeding from the abrasive stone underneath the gravel, but she’s still sliding, clawing at the ground, kicking her feet against the stone until she finally comes to a stop.  
She’s halfway hanging off the cliff, her bleeding fingers dug into the ground, her feet trying to find something to steady herself.  
Sulus coming after her, hand outstretched.  
„Stop!“ Ark'a'li yells, panic in her voice, „Stop! Don’t move!“  
If not for Spock, Sulu would have suffered the same fate on the unsafe ground, gravel still moving from her previous movement.  
The Vulcan holds him back. They argue, but their words don’t reach Ark'a'li.  
Her grip on the ground is slipping, just as her feet are slipping from the wet stonewall.  
When she looks up at her colleagues again, they have lowered themselves to the ground. Something is sticking out of it and Ark'a'li recognizes it as the Hilt of Sulus Katana that has been rammed into the stone. Sulu holds onto it, while Spock holds onto his ankle and moves towards Ark'a'li, his other hand outstretched.  
It’s the right way to do it and for the first time, she’s actually glad that Spock’s taking care of something.  
„Give me your hand!“ He yells towards her, stretching out his palm.  
She tries to move forward, pushes herself up, her left hand digging into the ground, her right hand reaching for his.  
Their fingers touch, then their hands and Ark'a'li can already see his hand closing around her, when there’s a sudden crack, as loud as thunder and the stone breaks apart.  
Her hand slips from Spock’s hand as the boulder she’s clinging to breaks away from the cliff.  
There’s a look of surprise on his face as if he just can’t believe this is happening.  
The same surprise she’s feeling when instead of his face she sees the cliff wall and the sky above her. Dark gray clouds that hide the Enterprise and with it, Jim.  
The impact with the river’s surface knocks the breath out of her lungs.  
The water is ice cold and pitch black. Her corneal slides back but the current is too strong, taking her with it as if she was a leaf in the wind, pushing her down until she knows her lungs will burst.  
But then she’s suddenly out of the water again, her side hitting something hard and solid and she flings herself onto the rock, breathing hard and looking up.  
She’s inside a cave, a hole in the cliff made by the force of nature.  
Ark'a'li hunches over and throws up, into the water.  
She stares at her vomit being carried away by the current, trying to assess her situation.  
She’s stranded on a dangerous planet, on the side of an even more dangerous river, her communicator is either still on the cliff or on the ground of said river and she’s very likely to be pregnant.  
Well, Shit!


	5. Chapter 5

The water is ice cold and pitch black. Her corneal slides back but the current is too strong, taking her with it as if she was a leaf in the wind, pushing her down until she knows her lungs will burst.

But then she’s suddenly out of the water again, her side hitting something hard and solid and she flings herself onto the rock, breathing hard and looking up.

She’s inside a cave, a hole in the cliff made by the force of nature.

Ark'a'li hunches over and throws up, into the water.

She stares at her vomit being carried away by the current, trying to assess her situation.

She’s stranded on a dangerous planet, on the side of an even more dangerous river, her communicator is either still on the cliff or on the ground of said river and she’s very likely to be pregnant.

 

„Fuck!“ She curses under her breath and looks back at the water. It’s the only way out.

She jumps back in, trying to swim against the current but failing. It pushes her back out, into the river. She opens her eyes, trying to see, trying to find out what is up and down. The current pushes her onto the surface again, she gasps and tries to scream, but the sound dies in her throat when she sees a giant dorsal fin cutting through the dark water.

Oh no…

She tries to swim faster, tries to get to the side, while the river carries her towards a forking point. On the left, the river gets smaller, faster, while on the right… it just ends. She can hear the noise and knows it’s the waterfall she saw from the top of the cliff earlier, with the needle-like rock formations sticking out of the water on the other side.

Left it is.

But the thing, fish, monster, whatever it is, is faster.

The pain is red-hot, making her blind. It must have bitten into her leg, because from there the pain starts, shooting up into her back. It pulls her back, down into the water. She can’t see, breathe, live, but she manages to aim her phaser at it, shooting without seeing anything.

She must have hit it, once, because she’s shooting upwards again and now it’s catapulting her out of the water, its teeth gliding out of her leg with a sickening sound and she’s flying, no, falling.

There should have been a moment where her brain just stops, lets her black out, drown out the pain and the pictures, but it doesn’t. Because her eyes are open now, and she sees the monster jumping out of the water, screaming after her while it swims down the left side of the river where she had wanted to go.

She sees the waterfall, sees those weird trees growing next to it and the spray of water when she lands on the ground with a sound that must have been her vertebras breaking.

There’s blood in her mouth and the ground is wet. She can’t move, can’t scream, just whimper and pray for Spock and Sulu to find her or her consciousness to leave her and take the pain with it.

And then the trees move, come closer, step by step, and then a face is directly above hers, the wrinkled skin as brown as the bark of oak trees.

Long fingers grab her chin and force her mouth open.

She tries to scream, but mere whimpers come out. She tries to kick, to hit, to struggle, but she can’t move and the figure pours something inside her mouth, viscous and bitter and she can’t spit it out, it glides down her throat like it has a life of its own and finally… finally, she can feel consciousness slipping away from the pain into something so much more comfortable.

Is it death?

She never answers herself.

-

„Where is she?“

Did the wind die down or his senses pick up?

Spock can’t really tell.

They’re carefully walking along the cliff, looking for a safe way down, looking for Lieutenant Guyet.

So far they only found the resident of the river, a dark purple colored animal that seems to be a cross between crocodile and shark.

„Given the height of the fall, the obvious power of the current and the presence of this upset predator, her chance of survival is about 3.24%.“

„I don’t care about the percentage.“ Sulu snaps back. „We have to find her and if it’s only her dead body. We can’t just tell Jim we lost his girlfriend.“

Spock looks at him in silence and Sulu growls. „Put yourself in his shoes for a moment! What if it was Uhura falling down?“

„We need to look for a way to get to the shore,“ Spock complies and ushers Sulu along, „Be careful.“

 

Half an hour later they have searched the riverside but found nothing.

„We have to tell him.“ Sulu looks at him and Spock is surprised to see tears in the other man’s eyes.

„We should have told him immediately,“ Spock corrects him and Sulu just sighs.

„I was hoping we would find her,“ Sulu argues halfheartedly but quiets down when Spock pulls out his communicator.

 

„Have you found the station?“ Jim’s voice is almost cheerful and Sulu has to turn away from the monitor, even though Jim couldn’t see him anyway.

„No,“ Spock looks up at Sulu, then back down at the communicator, „There was an accident. The mountain trail was unsafe and Lieutenant Guyet slipped.“

„What?“ Jim’s voice breaks but he recovers fast, his voice professional now, but void of emotion, „What happened?“

„Lieutenant Guyet slid down towards the edge of the cliff. She managed to steady herself there and we immediately started the necessary means to pull her up but before we could do that, the cliff broke in and pulled her down into the river. We were unable to recover her body.“

Silence.

Then… „I’m coming down.“ Spock opens his mouth to say something but stops, as Sulu shoots him a look, „Very well. We will stay in place and wait for you.“

 

„Bones!“

The doctor looks up from his PADD. The data about Jims purple spots he was just studying turns irrelevant when he sees the Captains face.

„Transporter room! Now!“

Jim turns without further explanation, trusting his friend to follow him.

„What happened?“ Bones dares to ask when they reach the transporter platform.

„They lost Ark'a'li.“ Jim grunts.

Before he can ask more, their surroundings fade into white nothingness.

„Captain,“ Spock’s voice greets them and they turn, away from the massive stone walls in front of them, towards the river and their crew mates.

„What happened?“ Jim’s voice carries easily above the noise of the river. He sounds calm, but his tense posture betrays him.

„Lieutenant Guyet was walking at the back of our line up on the cliff when she lost balance and slid towards the edge. She managed to stop her fall but when we tried to pull her up, the rock broke away beneath her. She fell into the river and we have been unable to locate her body since.“

„Where did you look?“ Jim looks up towards the cliff’s edge and back down.

„Jim,“ Bones puts his hand under his arm, holding him still, holding him up in case, „She fell into the water. It’s impossible to get out of this current.“

„We’ve been through worse,“ Jim disagrees and pulls his arm from Bones hold, „You know that.“

Sulu turns towards them, having been silent before. „What would you have done, Captain?“

Jim looks at him, then back at the river. He purses his lips, thinking fast.

„Definitely not tried to swim against the current. I’d let it carry me and try to get to the riverbank… Her communicator?“

„She dropped it on the cliff,“ Spock hands him the device, „We’ve searched the riverbank until the river drops into a waterfall. Nobody… Not even on the left side, where the river parts and the current slows down.“

„How far did you search? She might have been unconscious from the fall,“ Bones throws in and Jim looks at him with something that borders on a thankful look.

„As far as we could get by foot, but…“ Sulu looks back at the River, „The River houses a predator. The body of a crocodile and fins of a shark. And it’s not happy about visitors.“

„Then kill it,“ Jim orders, „Get it out of the river and dissect it. If it killed her, we’d find her body.“

„Jim…“ Bones mumbles but Jim doesn’t listen.

„I’ll take care of the crocodile-shark, Spock, order a shuttle. I want them to follow the river down to wherever it ends. Scan every boulder if necessary – humans don’t disappear into thin air.“

There’s a look of determination on his face that’s prominent enough to hide the first hints of madness in his eyes.

Sulu and Bones look at each other, then at Spock.

They find an agreement without words.

-

Two hours later the sun is setting. They have killed the inhabitant of the river and, with great effort, pulled him out of the river.

The sound of the shuttle is getting louder, but Sulu ignores it and hands his Katana to Jim, giving him the opportunity to cut open the animal himself.

Its blood is as purple as its thick skin, but then the blade cuts open the stomach and yellow acid flows out of the carcass, burning the spare grass on the floor to dust.

„If it ate her,“ Spock supplies, „There would be nothing left of her by now.“

Jim looks at him with barely concealed anger.

The shuttle lands near them and without the sound of its engines and the wind that has died down over the last hour, it’s painfully quiet.

Then there’s a loud howling, increasing in volume. Whatever is howling, it is coming nearer and it is gathering more of its sort.

„We have to leave,“ Spock orders, ushering them away from the carcass and towards the shuttle.

„We can’t!“ Jim tells him and steps towards the river again, „We haven’t found her yet!“

„She’s dead Jim,“ Bones tells him, pulling him towards the shuttle.

„But that’s impossible,“ Jim argues, „You’ve seen her fight. You’ve seen her live.“ He’s panting now and there’s madness in his eyes.

„I know,“ Bones pulls harder when the howling grows louder, „I know, but it happened and you have to move or you’re going to be next.“

Jim moves, but painfully slow.

Spock comes back for them, grabbing Jim on the other side and together, they reach the shuttle that’s already preparing to take off. Just when it does, a group of animals, the size of lions, break through the dark red trees that line this side of the riverbank. One of them is brave – or angry- enough to run towards the shuttle, exposing shark-like teeth. It jumps at them, its claws making ugly sounds on the outer steel wall of the shuttle but they’re already high enough and it drops back to the ground with a yelp.

„You found her, right?“ Jim asks, ignoring the danger they’ve just barely escaped.

„Captain…“ The pilot mumbles and Bones puts his hand under Jim’s arm again, saying what needs to be said.

„No Jim, they didn’t.“

„But…“

„Jim… she’s dead.“

What’s killing him, Bones thinks, is that they will never know what killed her. They will never have an enemy to defeat, just the absence of a mind that has never failed to be loud and present in every way.

And when the shuttle flies back, Jim stays quiet.

-

When they reach the Enterprise, Jim pulls himself far enough of his stupor to look at Spock.

“I relinquish my command,” he announces with a voice that sounds so unusual empty, that it’s terrifying.

“Captain,” Spock starts to argue, but Jim shakes his heart violently, “No. Everyone on this shuttle can confirm that I have been emotionally compromised. Please note the time and date in the ship’s log, Spock.”

“Jim,” Bones voice has a tone to it that sounds almost comforting, “You don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t?” Jim bites back, “Really? So you’d rather go down to the planet again and get eaten by whatever attacked us because I wouldn’t move? Just say a word and I send you down for the night shift.”

The doctor presses his lips together in a fine line but stays quiet.

Jim turns back to Spock.

“Do me a favor and make an official announcement. I don’t want anyone asking me what the reasons for my decision are.”

 

„Attention, Crew of the Enterprise…“

Commander Spock’s voice carries through the rooms, everyone quieting down to listen.

Singh stops in her movements, her uniform dress pulled down halfway. There’s something in his voice she doesn’t like but she can’t put her finger on it.

„Today, at 1700, an accident occurred during an away mission, resulting in the death of Lieutenant Ark'a'li Guyet. After a thorough search, we are still unable to locate her body… As a result of this accident, Mr. Kirk has resigned commission and advanced me to acting captain.”

A crackling sound and the announcement ends, leaving a hole in Singh’s chest as if she should have known as if she could have prevented this.

A naive part of her had thought that going through losing someone important had made her invincible, had made her tough. Oh, what a lie she’d convinced herself to believe.

 

She moves towards the mirror in her bathroom because looking at herself has always helped her escape her feelings.

There she is, the hem of her red dress just below her hip bones, three gray hairs in her black braid already, the brown skin of her face pale.

„What do I do now?“ She asks herself in the mirror.

„Right,“ she mumbles to herself, „Move forward. Do something. Help others.“

She breathes in, breathes out and steels herself.

„Scotty,“ she tells her mirror self with a new determination, „Scotty and Keenser and Ark-“ Her voice breaks and she takes another deep breath before she speaks, „and Ark'a'li were good friends. They will need comforting. I’m going to comfort them. I’m going to…“ Another deep breath, „I’m going to work double shifts so they can go and call Jaylah. Yes. That’s what I’m going to do.“

She puts on a smile but it looks too much like she’s suffering so she opts for a look of determination instead. That’s better. It might even last through the night.

-

Spock watches Jim leave the Bridge with Dr. McCoy following close behind.

He looks around. Lieutenant Uhura stares at her monitor with a focus he knows from times of danger. A tear forms at the edge of her left eye, rolling down her face slowly and into the collar of her uniform dress. Her lips form a hard line and she throws him a look, before shaking her head and looking back down at her monitor. A clear message.

There’s a sniffling sound coming from behind him.

Spock turns around. Ensign Chekov is currently trying to hide his crying but failing to do so.

Lieutenant Sulu outstretches his right arm, putting is hand on the younger man’s shoulder in a most likely comforting manner.

„It’s okay,“ Lieutenant Sulu mumbles, „We’re all missing her.“

„Lieutenant Sulu,“ Spock announces, „I’ve already informed you that your shift on the Bridge has ended an hour ago. You may leave the Bridge, as well as take Ensign Chekov with you.“

Lieutenant Sulu throws him a look that contains an irrational amount of anger.

„I’ve been informed that humans deal with loss by taking some time for themselves. I’m not taking this time from you, especially as your shift has ended already anyway.“

The helmsman’s anger is still evident when he pulls Ensign Chekov from his chair.

„Let’s go and find Scotty.“ He tells the younger man.

When the door closes behind them, Uhura speaks up.

„Was that really necessary?“

„If it helps the crew morale then yes, it is.“

She sighs and steps away from her monitors.

While the Bridge is never empty, the other crew members are either focused on their work or talking about the sad news they’ve just heard.

Spock takes place in the Captain’s chair, eyes locked onto Uhura who halts beside it.

„And how are you feeling?“ She asks and places her hand on his shoulder.

„I am Vulcan…“

She blows a raspberry at that, interrupting him successfully.

„And yet you still feel things,“ she tells him with a tone of voice she usually reserves for telling the Captain off.

„It bothers me,“ he says because that’s probably the closest to the truth, „Because I can’t estimate the full impact of today’s events on the crew’s morale and the impact on the Captain.“

„On Kirk,“ Uhura corrects him, „You’re the Captain.“

There’s silence between them, before she speaks again, her voice softer now.

„How… did she look? When she…“

„…fell?“ He finishes the sentence for her and she nods, a pained look on her face.

„Surprised,“ He says and there’s something scratching at the back of his throat, because he and Lieutenant Guyet were never that close but the way she looked at him when her hand slipped out of his grasp is so painfully similar to the way his mother looked at him when she dropped into the void that Vulcan is now.

Uhura makes a sound that is close to choking. He looks up at her and she tries to smile down at him, fresh tears in her eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

Scotty’s sitting in front of a piece of power coupling, staring at the bits and pieces as if he’s seeing them for the first time.  
Keenser stands next to him, holding a wrench in his hand.  
Singh stops short before them, her determination faltering.  
She doesn’t have to call out to them, because Keenser notices her and shuffles over, softly touching her leg in a comforting motion.  
Scotty raises his head, looking at them.  
It takes him a bit to remember, but then he gets up and walks over, head hanging low.  
He looks like he’s aged at least ten years in the last hour and when she opens her arms for him, he falls heavy into them.  
She softly directs him towards his chair, Keenser following close.  
„What do you say?“ She asks with a soft voice, „Cup of tea?“  
When she hands him his cup, the door opens above them.  
„Scotty?“ Sulu calls out.  
„Down here,“ Singh calls back, „Tea?“  
„I think we need something stronger,“ Sulu mumbles when he and Chekov slip into the small chamber that is Scotty’s makeshift office.  
Singh pulls a face at that, but when the words seem to wake Scotty out of his state, she tells herself that one glass won’t hurt on this awful day.  
They drink one cup each of a drink that is half tea, half scotch. Chekov nurses his cup as if he’s close to freezing and the warm drink the only thing that can fight back the cold.  
Sulu downs his drink in one go and Scotty looks as if he’s coming back to life with every sip he takes.  
Coming back to life, Singh thinks with disgust, how could I even think of a term like that?  
„I need to call Jaylah,“ Scotty moans and pours more scotch into his cup, „She’s going to be so upset.“  
„I didn’t know the two were close,“ Singh mumbles and thinks about how she wasn’t close to Ark'a'li herself a week ago.  
„Of course they were,“ Scotty mumbles bitterly, „Same interests. Engineering, awful music and fighting. Both could hold down their liquor very well. Jaylah made Ark'a'li promise that they’d work together in engineering when she comes back from Starfleet Academy.“  
„How long does she have left?“ Singh asks, trying to steer the conversation to lighter topics.  
„Two years,“ Scotty sighs, while Keenser takes the Scotch and pours Chekov another drink, „You’re missing her, wee man?“  
Chekov nods, trying to talk through the new tears, „Last time I talked to her was over a week ago,“ he forces out. His accent’s so strong that his words are even harder to understand.  
Singh swallows hard and turns away, catching Lieutenant Sulu looking at her.  
„I’ve befriended her in this last week,“ Singh tells him and although the confession was unintended, it makes Scotty smile and she realizes that it helps. It helps to remember the good things.  
„She burnt her hand badly and Bones had to call her to medbay because she wouldn’t come by herself.“  
Scotty chuckles. „Classic Ark'a'li. In her first week, she bled all over a replacement part of the warp engines because of an ugly cut. Refused to go to medbay because it was ‘nothing but a scratch’.“  
Sulu smiles and it almost reaches his eyes. „I don’t think she knows what physical pain is, anyway. Didn’t she break her arm on an away mission and acted as if it was nothing?“  
„Yes!“ Chekov exclaims, „The only found out after the mission was over when she had to come in for the routine check-up.“  
They share a laugh but fall silent again.

Singh looks at the clock. She’s on duty now. She takes another sip of her drink and looks at the guys over the rim of her cup.  
Sulu looks troubled. Chekov’s lost in his thoughts. And Scotty looks like he’s about to cry, sipping pure scotch out of the tea cup Keenser hands him.  
„I think you should go to bed,“ Singh mumbles with her best nurse voice. She looks at Sulu and then at Chekov. They leave shortly after, with lighter hearts she hopes.  
Keenser looks up at her, sniffling.  
„I know,“ Singh tells him with a sigh, „I know. Can you help me? We need to get Scotty to sleep.“  
Keenser nods, sticking to his usual quiet attitude. He drags Scotty from his chair and while he’s not able to carry the larger man, pulling him away by his hand seems to work just fine.  
„But…“ Scotty stops on the stairs and turns back towards Singh, „The power coupling… Ark'a'li told me to leav her her some work to do…“ He finishes weakly.  
Singh tries to smile, hoping that it won’t look as suffering as it did back in her room.  
„Don’t worry about that,“ she tells him, „Just go and rest and tomorrow you can call Jaylah.“  
When he leaves, the engineering area falls silent again, like it has been in most of the nights Singh was worked through.  
Gamma shifts are usually silent, that’s why she liked them in the first place.  
But last week wasn’t, not since Ark'a'li had made the choice to befriend her and with that choice she had stirred up memories, Singh had thought to be forgotten.  
Memories of med-bay, where everything was white and it felt like daytime even at midnight, where they joked or worked in silent determination.  
She picks up one of the tea cups, looking at it and holding it out.  
„More tea?“ Dr. Puri poured the steaming hot tea into her cup, smiling at her.  
„Isn’t it funny?“ He asks in Hindi and she listens carefully to the familiar words in her favorite language, picking up the meaning, but caring more for the sound of it, „We don’t like what the English men did in our country, but we sure like to drink their tea.“  
„It is good and bad in everything,“ she replies, feeling a little less homesick now, that she can talk freely in the language her father has taught her.  
„How wise of you, Nurse Singh,“ Puri stops in his speech and looks towards the door, „Captain Pike, you visit me in my free time? Are you sick or just nervous because this is your last stay on this particular ship?“  
Lucy turns too, to look at her Captain who sends her a warm smile. She fights down the blush and smiles back.  
„I think the smell of freshly brewed tea has brought me here. That and the fact that you still haven’t answered my question, Dr. Puri. Are you going to follow me onto the new ship they’ve promised?“  
Dr. Puri smiles and wordlessly pours tea into a third cup.  
When he talks, he talks in Hindi, so only Lucy can understand him.  
„I haven’t answered the boy yet because I wanted to know if you’d be able to come with us too.“  
Lucy blushes, „Oh, he has asked me two weeks ago. I agreed.“  
Dr. Puri smiles brightly at her, „I should have known that the Captain would ask his favorite nurse first.“  
The sound of the door pulls her out of her memories. She looks at the porcelain cup that looks so different to the ones Dr. Puri used to have.  
Right now she’d give a lot to have something to distract her because monitoring duty isn’t a distraction.  
But she’d give even more to see those she’s lost again, even if only for a moment.  
-  
„I’m remembering…“ Jim greets him when Bones enters the bar, „I’m not sure if that’s good.“  
„What are you remembering?“ Bones asks back and steps behind the bar, taking the Saurian Brandy from Jim and pouring himself a drink.  
Jim’s eyes are closed, he slowly raises his glass and takes a sip before speaking.  
„How we first met.“  
Bones stops, the Brandy still in the air. He sets the bottle down and takes a deep breath.  
„The bar in San Francisco?“  
Jim smiles and opens his eyes. „Her red-headed friend. Renya, right?“  
„I didn’t stand a chance, she was all over me the minute she got there.“  
His friend chuckles lightly. „Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy it… Ark'a'li told me she had a crush on you since she started med school…“  
Bones avoids his eyes and takes a nip of the brandy.  
Jim looks at the glass walls behind him, searches for his reflection and finds her.  
She’s sitting on the other side of the bar, a girl in leather jacket and jeans in the middle of cadet uniforms.  
He turns around to get a better look and she smiles and waves him over.  
„Your friend told me you want to talk?“ He mumbles and her smile grows. Her hair is almost white and her eyes a muddy brown but there’s something in them, a sparkle he knows from looking in the mirror, that keeps him there.  
„If I’d challenge you to an arm wrestling duel… hypothetically speaking… would I win?“  
He laughs. „Hypothetically? I don’t think so.“  
„And realistically?“  
„Nope.“ They’re full on grinning at each other now.  
„Why not?“ She asks.  
„I don’t like to lose.“  
She raises an eyebrow. „Does that mean you always win?“  
He nods and she stretches out her arm.  
„Ark'a'li Guyet. I don’t like losing either but one of us will. Dare to arm wrestle?“  
„Jim? Jim!“ Bones shouts into his right ear, grabbing his shoulder and shaking him.  
Jim blinks and stares at the wall. There’s no Ark'a'li, no table, just the other side of the bar room.  
„You just stood up, walked over here and stared at the air. Are you okay? Is it the brandy?“  
„It’s not the brandy, Bones!“ Jim argues. He wants to add his usual comment of „I’m fine.“, but he isn’t and everyone knows.  
Jim takes his drink and empties it.  
„I’m going to go to sleep.“  
Bones tries to catch his eyes but Jim turns his head away, „See you tomorrow.“  
He leaves without looking back but he has too.

Bones stays behind, staring at his unfinished drink.  
Hoping that Jim would talk about it had been foolish from the very beginning. Jim never talked about stuff like that, he’d rather let it eat him from the inside.  
No, Bones corrected himself, not always. Being friends with Ark'a'li had been good for him. The two had been so alike which made them the best option to talk about stuff no one else understood.  
Right now, the only person that could get Jim to open up, would have been Ark'a'li herself.  
„What would you tell him?“ He asks and swears.  
Really? Is he really going to ask the nothingness around him for advice?  
He empties his drink and pours himself another one, downing it, before deciding that three will be his lucky number today. He takes tiny sips, even though the Saurian Brandy is disgusting and way too strong.  
But it works. It numbs him and makes the usually dim room look bright, the blue walls seem white now.  
There’s the sound of a female giggling next to him and he smiles and closes his eyes. He’s missed that sound.  
„Shh…“ He opens his eyes and sees a blonde ensign tiptoeing around his office.  
„And what do you think you’re doing here?“ He asks and she stops, sends him a sheepish smile.  
„The Captain asked for me.“  
„Did he?“ Leonard stands up, walking over to her, „He’s been awake for what, twenty minutes, and he’s asking for you? An engineering ensign?“  
His voice is loud and harsh, not just because he hasn’t had enough sleep in the last days but also because Jim’s managed to get himself into some serious horseshit in his last mission.  
But the Ensign doesn’t seem to be frightened at all and he takes a closer look at her. Blonde hair, muddy brown eyes. She’s not a beauty like Dr. Marcus is, but she’s definitely intriguing and she looks familiar too.  
„Guyet?“ He asks and she beams up at him.  
„You remember me!“ She exclaims happily. „Can I go see the Captain now? He asked for me.“  
„He did?“ He asks, surprised now but when she turns away from him he sees the bottle in her hands.  
„Is that… Romulan ale?“  
She turns around swiftly. „No!“ She lies and he gives her his hardest look.  
„How about… I give you half of it and you let me give the rest to the Captain? He asked me to bring him Ale.“  
„He did?“ Bones asks again and she sends him a smile he has seen on Jim’s face so many times during their time at the academy.  
„I want three-quarters of the damn bottle and he can only drink the stuff if he’s eaten a salad before, you understand me?“  
She salutes him and he lets her leave, knowing he will probably regret it.  
Something blinds him and he shields his eyes.  
„Oh, sorry… I didn’t know someone was in here.“  
Bones takes the hand away from his eyes and looks at Sulu.  
„Good night drink?“ He holds up the Saurian Brandy.  
„That probably isn’t the best idea.“ Sulu mumbles but steps closer.  
When Bones hands him his drink, he stares into the dark brown liquid.  
„To think that I was just a few steps in front of her…“ Sulu mumbles and Bones sighs.  
„Don’t even think about it. It’s not your fault.“  
„I have to,“ Sulu argues, „Because I still don’t understand how she could fall. You now Guyet. We’ve seen her run and walk and fight. She’s never slipped before.“  
Bones looks at him, tries to find an answer, when it hits him like a phaser set to stun.  
„You’re not examining me and that’s final.“  
„Oh, Shit!“ He exclaims, putting his glass down with more force than necessary. „She was sick! Why didn’t I see that?“  
„What? What are you talking about?“  
„The examination! We had to examine her because of the fucking flowers Jim touched and she refused. I mean she hates being examined but I’ve never seen her act like that because of a check-up when she wasn’t trying to hide something.“  
„You think so? But how can we know?“  
„Well, we have to know what symptoms she had. Maybe we can ask Jim, he’s been with her for the past week or a coworker.“  
„Singh,“ Sulu exclaims, „Lieutenant Singh from engineering. She told us she grew close with Ark'a'li this week.“  
Bones looks at him. „Singh?“ He asks, „But she would have told me something like that. She used to be a nurse under Dr. Puri.“  
„She’s working Gamma Shift in engineering right now. Go on and call her.“  
Bones looks at him, takes his drink and downs it. „Something like that should always be talked over face to face. You’re coming with me?“  
Sulu nods and follows his example, coughing when he puts the glass down. „What… what was that?“  
„Saurian Brandy. Now let’s go.“  
-  
Jim manages to keep the memories at bay until he reaches his quarters. But when he steps inside, she’s already there.  
He slips into the memory without a moment of hesitation. He holds her, kisses her and pulls off her shirt before kissing her again, letting his mouth travel down her neck towards her collarbones. When his lips touch the skin there, he notices that it’s different. Hard and uneven. It’s either scarred or she’s not fully human but before he can get a closer look she pushes him away from her, staring at him with wide eyes.  
„We can’t do this!“ She exclaims, „We’re working together.“  
„We are?“ He asks confused.  
Her chest is heaving from how hard she’s trying to catch a breath. He can’t help but stare at her plain black bra and the skin above it, that looks like a pattern has been carved into it.  
„Captain,“ she whispers hoarsely, forcing him to look back at her face, „I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, but Renya said that I shouldn’t start our conversation with it and before I knew we were talking about other things.“  
He tries to say something but she pulls a folded piece of paper out of her bra, holding it out to him.  
It’s an application sheet, filled out for Ensign Ark'a'li Guyet, asking to change her assignment from the USS Farragut to the USS Enterprise.  
„The reason I need to be on the Enterprise is this,“ she exclaims and points at her breasts. No, Jim reprimands himself, the skin above her breast.  
„I’m a hybrid, half human, half unknown alien race. Captain Paraborn of the USS Farragut was willing to take me in but he told me that I would have a better chance of finding my origin by working on the Enterprise.“  
Jim looks at her eyes, big and brown and almost innocent, before looking back at the paper.  
„Please, Captain, I… I’m completely honest with you, this is just because of my father. I want to know where I come from. You can ask me anything you want.“  
She’s wringing her hands now and he sighs.  
„Did your plan include seducing me?“  
„No!“ Ark'a'li blushes furiously, „I wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. I just wanted to talk to you. I had a few courses with Pike and he told me that I reminded him of you.“  
Mentioning Pike still hurt, but he trusted the man.  
„What is your specification?“  
„Fighting,“ she blurts out, before reeling back, „It’s what I’m best in and I would have majored in that if it had been possible, but I’ve got a major in engineering and a minor in almost everything I could get one. I just… I liked to learn different things…“  
Jim sighs again. It’s not like he desperately needs an engineer – he’s got Scotty of all people – but he’s also learned that a ship can never have enough engineers and one with actual fighting experience would come in handy if he’s going to keep up his 'unique way of getting into trouble’.  
He doesn’t have a real reason to say no and his gut is telling him to say yes. But still…  
„I don’t have relationships with my crew,“ he tells her, even though that’s never been a strict rule for him before. More of a guideline, really.  
„That’s okay,“ she tells him, shyly folding her hands in front of her stomach, „I’m glad I stopped it before it was too late. It would have felt like I was paying you with sex.“  
Jim sighs, frustrated this time. He wouldn’t have minded the night with her, absolutely not, but there’s no way this is going to happen now.  
„Do you have a pen?“ He asks and isn’t the list bit surprised when she pulls one out of the back pocket of her jeans.  
He signs the application and hands it back to her.  
„Welcome to the enterprise, Ensign Guyet,“ he tells her with a tired smile.  
„Thank you!“  
She takes his face into her hands and kisses him on the mouth before she grabs the paper and her jacket and runs out of his room.  
Her shirt lies forgotten on his floor.


	7. Chapter 7

He stares at the back of the door, can feel himself slipping out of the memory. He doesn’t want to. Right here, in the past, is where he feels good and safe. He walks over to his cupboard and fishes out a bottle of Romulan Ale he’s stored there for reasons. It’s stronger than Saurian Brandy and he doesn’t bother to get a glass, just drinks straight out of the bottle.  
The alcohol burns down his throat and makes his eyes tear up, but it works. The world spins around him, the edges blur, nothing feels real anymore but the memories he can easily recall.  
He stumbles over, puts the bottle on the table and lets himself fall down on the bed, curling into a ball.  
The bedding smells like her and him and he buries himself under it like he used to do with his mom’s clothes when he was a kid. If he could just turn back time.  
“Captain…”  
He turns around.  
“Ark'a'li,” he greets her and she makes a face, something between awkwardness and laughter.  
“I believe ‘Ensign Guyet’ would be correct,” she mumbles and he smiles.  
“It’s been what, three months now? I think we can go back to being friends, right?”  
“As you wish,” she tells him and he holds his breath for a moment before he realizes he’s being weird. She probably doesn’t even know the Princess bride, the movie had already been old when his parents had seen it.  
“Captain…”, she starts again and he gives her a look. She sighs, “Jim… I want to ask for a favor. It’s about the next shore leave.”  
For a moment he thinks she’s going to ask him out. But she just hands him a PAD.  
He looks down at the display, it’s a completed form. His signature will withdraw Ark'a'lis shore leave.  
“Are you out of your mind? Why would I sign this?”  
“Because I can’t go.”  
“Don’t tell me Scotty asked you to look after the power coupling. He knows full well that we have shifts on shore leave.”  
“It’s not about Scotty,” she interrupts him and looks around, “I’m just… you know that feeling you get when you’re about to do something stupid and dangerous? That tingling feeling?”  
“Yeah…”  
She looks surprised, “You do?”  
Jim blows a raspberry at that. “'Course I do. Just ask Bones. Or better, don’t ask him. But I’m not withdrawing your shore leave because you could do something stupid. That’s what shore leave is about, doing stupid stuff you can’t do on the ship.”  
“I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t say that as the Captain,” she tuts and folds her arms, “Look, you don’t know me as well as I do. If I’d just be a normal, fully human mess, I’d not protest but I’m not and when I say dangerous, I mean dangerous.”  
“Still. I’m not withdrawing your shore leave. There are other ways to handle this… like a babysitter?“  
„It’s your shore leave too, Jim, you don’t have to spend your time with me.“  
He smirks. „I wasn’t referring to myself, you know.“  
Ark'a'li blushes a furious red. „I’m- I…“  
Jim laughs and claps a hand on her back, „Don’t worry, I know just the guy. You will like him, he’s your age.“

The scenery shifts and he feels nauseous for a moment. That and the bedding is too tight around him, making him feel like he’s constrained. But then he’s back in…  
„My age?“ Ark'a'li spits a mouth full of blood onto the floor, „Captain, he’s 10 years younger.“  
„Captain, I’m so sorry!“ Chekov’s wringing his hands behind her, „It’s my fault, all my fault, she was just defending me.“  
Jim looks from the Navigator to Ark'a'li. Her face is a bloody and swollen mess but she still manages to glare up at him as if it’s his fault.  
„Don’t look at me like that,“ he tells her and looks at the door of the club behind her.  
„Bones,“ he greets the doctor, „What kept you from following us?“  
„My drink,“ his friend grumbles curmudgeonly, „Can’t I have shore-leave too?“  
„It’s not my fault,“ Ark'a'li complains, her voice sounding distorted by the broken nose, „I asked the Captain to withdraw my shore leave because I knew I’d get into danger.“  
„And you didn’t withdraw it? Jim!“ Bones sends him a disappointed look and pulls Ark'a'lis head back to examine the damage.  
„I assigned Chekov to look after her. He never got into danger before.“  
Chekov immediately pipes up again, trying to apologize for everyone and everything. Ark'a'li blows a very bloody raspberry.  
„’s not his fault. Those guys insulted him on purpose… Plus I would have found someone else to beat up anyway… Ouch…“ She complains, when Bones hits her across her head, „What was that for?“  
„For being stupid. Don’t go around beating up idiots.“  
Jim’s not really sure if she’s pouting because her lips are swollen into oblivion, but it looks like it and it looks kind of… cute.  
He shakes his head vigorously.  
„Chekov. You’re free to go and enjoy the rest of the evening. Bones, you’re having everything under control as it seems, I’ll let you-“ „Don’t!“ Bones interrupts him, „It’s your fault that I’m out here. You take her to the ship and you stay with her in case she’s up to even more idiocy.“  
„I’m capable of finding back alone,“ Ark'a'li moans in pain when the Doctor presses a spot near her nose.  
„I’m sure you are. But all I wanted from this shore leave was a quiet evening out and you two took that from me. Now suffer in silence and learn something for the future… Seriously, are you the twins of stupidity or what?“

Another shift.  
He’s jogging down a hallway of the Enterprise when she jumps out in front of him.  
„Captain!“ Ark'a'li yells and blocks his path, „You need to take me on this away mission.“  
„It’s Jim,“ he corrects her, „And a no from me.“ He walks around her.  
„Not when I’m serious,“ she protests and follows him, „You need me on that mission.“  
„You’re thinking too highly of yourself, Ensign. The only Engineer we’re taking with us is going to be from the Senior Staff and he’s coming with us for the unlikely case that the few machines have a malfunction.“  
„It’s not about Engineering, Captain, I…“  
„You have a minor in Biology, I know, but even without Mr. Spock there are still more than enough Science Officers with a major in Biology we can choose from.“  
She steps in front of him again, a rare look of intense determination on her face.  
„You will take me on that away mission,“ she declares and if he hadn’t been pissed before, he would be now.  
„Listen, Guyet,“ he glares at her, cursing the fact that she’s as tall as him – it makes him look less intimidating - „Allowing you to come on the ship was one thing, but being friends with me won’t buy you every privilege you want. Understood?“  
„Understood,“ she snaps and glares right back at him, „But being friends should mean that you know you can trust my gut feeling. Said gut feeling is telling me that you will need me on the mission… I’ve lived on Sinar for two years and am familiar with whatever the wildlife is going to throw at us. And knowing our luck they will throw a lot at us.“  
There’s silence between the two of them. It’s gut feeling against logic again.  
He has no reason at all to allow her to come with them but there’s something in her eyes that reminds him of himself. He knows that a no won’t stop her, just like a no never stopped him.  
He can either humor her or he has to send her away like Spock did it with him years ago.  
„I’ll put you on the mission on one condition,“ he declares and puts out his hand for her to shake, „If you mess it up you leave the ship.“  
„Deal.“  
Time shifts again and there he is, lying in his bed, feeling dizzy and nauseous.  
Somehow he’s able to make it to the bathroom where he throws up into the toilet and wonders if this is still a memory or real.  
„Ark'a'li?“ He asks into the darkness of the room.  
No response.  
„Computer,“ His voice is hoarse, his throat hurts, „What is the location of Lieutenant Guyet?“  
„Lieutenant Guyet has died on Planet Tuwek-114 at Stardate 2264.75 at 1700. Do you want Information about Navigator Guyet Anne from the USS Lincoln?“  
Jim’s chokes back tears and crawls inside the shower where he rests his head against the cold wall.  
„Yes.“  
„Navigator Guyet Anne from the USS Lincoln. Born Startime 2200 to Guyet Charles, former Admiral and Guyet Marianne, née Stevens. Graduated from Starfleet at Startime 2225 and joined the USS Lincoln as Navigator. Went missing at Star year 2233 near Orion. According to newer data, she lived on Quasar from 2233 to 2241 when she was murdered by the king of the Quasar, Muz'Baal. She was married to the Quasar Crown Prince Qui'raz'nuk and gave birth to a daughter, Ark'a'li Marianne Guyet at Startime 2236. Do you want Information about Ark'a'li Guyet, former Lieutenant Engineer on the USS Enterprise?“  
„Yes.“  
„Lieutenant Guyet has died on Planet Tuwek-114 at Stardate 2264.75 at 1749. Do you want Information about Planet Tuwek-114?“  
„Shut up.“  
-  
„Lucy,“ Bones voice sounds raw when he calls her.  
She steps out Scotty’s office and greets Lieutenant Sulu with a nod.  
„What do you want to know?“  
The doctor sighs, „Ark'a'li… Did she show any unusual behavior or symptoms the last week?“  
Lucy bites her lip and nods slowly. „She did. It started with her falling asleep during monitoring duty. She told me that she’d been to the med bay and a nurse gave her vitamin pills for her exhaustion.“  
„When was that?“  
„The day she was up in med bay because she burnt her hand. You might have been taking a break at that time.“  
Sulu looks from Bones to her and back. „Is that unusual?“  
„A bit,“ the doctor agrees, „The Quasar usually have a lot more adrenaline than humans do, which gives them more energy and the temper we’ve already encountered… I’ve seen the data from Jim, that flower thing messed up his kidneys. If he infected her it could have messed up the way her kidneys produce adrenaline…“  
„But didn’t you say that it isn’t contagious?“ Sulu asks and notices the way Lieutenant Singh looks away.  
„You know something,“ he tells her and there’s sadness in her eyes.  
„Why do you need to know?“ She asks back.  
„Because I feel like it’s my fault that she fell and I want to know if I’m right.“  
„Lucy,“ Bones puts his hand on her shoulder, „If you know something, tell us… she was our friend too.“  
She licks her lips nervously and looks around, but they are alone in this section.  
„When Pike died, I vowed that I’d never again interfere in others personal lives. You have to understand that.“  
„We do, Lucy,“ Bones assures her and he can see the weight that’s been lifted off her shoulders. She blames herself too, he realizes.  
„She thought she was pregnant,“ Lucy presses the words through her teeth, „After she talked to the nurse she tried to eat healthier, but she asked me for a diagnose. She still suffered from dizziness and nausea.“  
Both men look like they’re about to break down and she ushers them inside Scotty’s office and pulls out the bottle of Scotch.  
„I think you need a drink,“ she mumbles and acts as if she doesn’t see the tears in the doctor’s eyes.  
They drink in silence, only interrupted by the beeping of the monitors.  
Half an hour later the bottle is empty and Bones cheeks are dry again.  
„Promise me,“ Bones starts, his voice even rawer now, „That you won’t tell Jim. It would break him.“  
„I promise,“ Lucy whispers.  
„I promise.“ Sulu rasps.  
They look at each other and feel the weight of their secret.

Lucy keeps sitting there even when the two of them have left.  
Her mouth tastes like Scotch and the bitterness of life and there’s the creeping feeling of not being alone.  
Hot breath on her neck and she closes her eyes and welcomes his presence.  
„What are you cooking, love?“ He whispers and places a kiss right behind her left ear.  
„Rajma,“ she mumbles and he hums contently.  
„My favorite,“ he puts one arm around her hips and hugs her like that, while he keeps himself upright with his right hand on his cane.  
„You’re thinking about something,“ she tells him and he chuckles but he’s not happy.  
He pulls away softly and walks around her to lean against the counter.  
„How did you know?“  
„Chris… How long have we known each other now?“ She reminds him and stirs the Rajma, before looking at him again.  
He smiles but there’s still worry edged into his face.  
„Kirk messed up,“ he confesses, „And they’re going to put Admiral Marcus on the case. I can try to fight for him but I don’t know if I should. He went directly against the prime directive and he lied about it in the captain’s log. That’s not how a Captain is supposed to act.“  
„How did you learn to be a Captain?“ Lucy asks and he stops and thinks about her question.  
„Starfleet Academy of course, but that was the theory. When I served as Ensign and later Lieutenant, I learned from the Captain’s that I served under.“  
She looks up at him, choosing her next words carefully. „Under how many Captain’s did Kirk serve again?“  
Christopher looks at her and blows a raspberry. „That’s not an excuse for his actions.“  
„No, it isn’t,“ she agrees, „But I could be what he needs. Think about it.“  
He sighs and turns around to look out of the small kitchen window. „But even if I could convince Marcus to give me back the Enterprise and let Kirk serve under me, wouldn’t that be against everything we planned?“  
Lucy smiles. „You know I only asked for a transfer back to earth because it looked like you would stay here. I will always follow you, wherever you will go.“  
„Even if it’s back onto the Enterprise.“  
„Especially if it’s back onto the Enterprise,“ she answers and kisses him softly, „Now go and sit down, the food is ready.“

Lucy takes a deep breath and wipes the tears from her cheeks. She pushes two fingers inside the collar of her uniform dress and pulls out the delicate silver chain that’s hidden beneath it. On it is a ring attached and she kisses it softly.  
„I’m sorry Chris,“ she whispers and the tiny diamond on it gleams in the light.  
She puts the ring back under her dress again before she can think about the unfairness of life.  
-  
There are different forms of darkness. The absence of light, that the Quasar call Nou'ar, is just one of them.  
And then there’s the darkness that is in all things and all things are darkness. It’s what the Universe was thought to be, the very essence of a black hole and the spirit of death, the Om'qu'ga.  
Ark'a'li has heard of it, from her father and the high priests back when she was a child and a year ago when she found her home again, but she’d never thought that it would feel like this.  
Because Om'qu'ga is the Absence of everything and she can clearly feel a warmth and even though she can’t see, the darkness is liquid, which doesn’t make sense at all. There’s pain too, but it seems to be so far away from what she can sense that she’s not even sure it’s her own pain. And there’s noise, dull, but there.  
A flicker of fear starts to form somewhere inside her, like the first spark that starts the wildfire. She has to fight it down before it sets her ablaze and eats her alive.  
Ark'a'li thinks of blue. Jim’s blue eyes and the blue of their bedding. The blue of Bones uniform and that of Nyota’s nail polish… and it calms her down and lulls her to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

Spock gets up early. He puts together a small team for an away mission and sends them off at 0730, half an hour before Gamma Shift ends.  
He has left Lieutenant Oleif* on the Bridge in favor of going down to the planet with the team. They land closer to the station than the day before, right in the middle of a small valley he had seen from the top of the cliff.  
It’s an easy mission. Ten minutes of walking through the stony valley towards the station, go in, retrieve the data and beam back. The station is severely damaged, it looks like some of the bigger predators have tried to bite their way in, but the important parts still work fine.  
“The communication device works?” Spock asks and one of the two engineers of the team starts typing away.  
“It works but only on about 56 percent. There must be some loose cables or something. Do you want me to fix that, Commander Spock?”  
He contemplates it briefly. It’s illogical at best, to waste time on fixing a device they will never need again.  
“No. We have our communicators who work just fine. Let’s beam up.”  
One of the scientist officers hesitates and finally raises her hand. “Commander Spock?”  
“Yes?”  
“There is no information about the chemical constitution of the water. Would it be possible to take water samples?”  
“It is. The river is too far away to walk, so beaming there will be the logical approach.”  
Exactly three minutes later they’re standing on the riverbank next to the waterfall.  
Spock looks at the needle like rock formation that grows out of the water and waits for the two scientist officers to take their samples.  
“Commander?” Thlimmones, a female woman, asks, “Can we take some samples of the earth from the river bank too? And the bark of the trees? The team of the science station never got this far out.”  
“It is only logical to use our time here for the best. Please advance with your procedure.”  
The woman smiles an obvious sign of happiness, and walks across the riverbank to the three trees on the side. Their bark is of a dark brown and they show no leaves, only a vast number of oddly shaped branches.  
“Commander!” The male * Scientist officer calls out to him, “There’s blood here!”  
Spock walks over to him. He kneels next to a big boulder and points out the blood that still sticks to the stone.  
“With the amount of humidity from the waterfall it must have been a lot of blood,” he notes, “or it would have already been gone completely.”  
“That assumption is correct,” Spock stares down at the dark red, “Take a sample of it. We can see if it matches with Lieutenant Guyets blood.”  
“That won’t be necessary,” a female voice says behind them.  
They turn around. Thlimmones has come back from the trees and points towards a heap of red on the floor. It’s a bloody uniform dress and even with the silver sign missing, everyone knows it belonged to Lieutenant Guyet.  
They leave shortly after, with a lot of samples and something as close to a corpse as they might ever find. Their presence fades into white light and nothing else but footprints on the moist floor.  
The biggest of the trees stretches and turns around, looks over the riverbank.  
It makes a sound, a deep grumbling from the bottom of his trunk and then he begins to move, with feet that look similar to those of the three foreigners that had just been close.  
The two other trees follow it, through small mountain paths towards a forest. They move through the small spaces between trees that look are just like them, but then the forest changes; becomes greener and greener until they reach a clearing and in the middle of it a pond that is filled with a liquid so black it swallows the few light that reaches into the forest.  
The three trees grumble and mumble towards the other trees and step in line with their friends, watching over the pond.  
The liquid ripples when two trees on either side pull out ropes. The ropes grow into a net and on the net that moves out of the liquid, lies a body. Now the net is stretched out on top of the liquid, more trees hold on to the ropes to make sure it does not sink in again, while one tree, clad with almost white leaves, walks over and puts something on the chest that moves up and down with every breath of the body.  
It’s something shiny, that reflects the light, it’s silver and if Commander Spock would have been present, he would have recognized it immediately.  
It’s the sign of the star fleet, engineering division. It’s the sign that is missing on Lieutenant Guyets ripped uniform dress.  
Commander Spock would have been able to recognize the body as well.  
It’s Lieutenant Guyet. Bruised and battered, yes, but she’s breathing.  
But Commander Spock is not present.  
And while the trees examine the unconscious female, Commander Spock, now Captain of the Starship Enterprise, sets everything into motion, leading the Starship away from Tuwek, believing that there is nothing left to do, no one left to save.  
“They left?” A voice asks in clear, unaccented English and a female Human, looking similar to the body on the net, leans closer to the tree that had been watching the river, “Are you sure Macha?”  
The tree nods slowly and the woman looks up, searches the sky between the leaves.  
“Typical humans…”, she mumbles, “They always leave you behind.”  
Macha grumbles something and the woman nods.  
“I know. You never leave. I know.”  
-  
“Ark'a'li?” Jim calls out to her while walking through the machine room, “You here?”  
“Walk a bit left, then right,” comes her muffled reply.  
He finds her leaning over the relay of a sonic shower.  
“Not working?” He asks and she smiles at him.  
“Oh no, it works just fine but Scotty let me borrow one to experiment on it.”  
“And what did you do?” He asks, but instead of looking at the relay, he looks at her.  
Her hair is a sandy blonde now, similar to himself, and she wears it in a side braid. There’s dirt smeared across her nose and the collar of her uniform dress is ripped.  
“Are you even listening, Captain?” She asks him.  
“You took it apart and put it back together?” He guesses and she smiles.  
“Not quite, but I’ll give you a point for trying. You were looking for me?”  
“Yes, I wanted to ask you something. We haven’t had the chance to repeat that evening we had back on earth, how about we do it now?”  
There’s clear surprise in her eyes and something like tentativeness. He almost regrets asking.  
“You said you don’t have relationships with your crew,” She grabs a box wrench and goes back to working on the relay, but he knows she’s curious for his answer.  
“I normally don’t, but I’m willing to make an exception for you.”  
“How nice of you,” she jokes but she doesn’t sound amused.  
“Relax, Ark'a'li, it would be only one date. If we don’t like it, there’s nothing pressuring us.”  
She looks back up to him.  
“It took us long enough to be just friends after that one night, I like it how it is right now.”  
“So you don’t want to go out? Is that it?”  
“Jim, there’s a lot about myself I don’t know and I told myself I wouldn’t date before I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t accidentally hurt my partner.”  
“That wouldn’t happen…” He starts but she interrupts him.  
“Yes, it would. I might not know what I’m really capable of but I know that I can be dangerous. If you want a relationship, you will have to go looking somewhere else, but if you want to be friends, I’m here.”  
-  
“You’re an idiot,” Carol says and smiles at him, “Why are we even together?”  
“You tell me,” he jokes and moves forward to kiss her when the turbo-lift halts.  
He stops and watches the door open.  
Ark'a'li stands outside, looking surprised to see the two of them.  
“Jim,” she greets him friendly, “Dr. Marcus. Good to see the two of you together, I need to ask something.”  
Carols smile falters slightly, but she stays professional.  
“What it is?”, she asks friendly, stepping closer to Jim to make space for her.  
“Scotty asked me to open a photon torpedo for my next assignment. For that, I need the permission of the Captain and the help of a weapon specialist because I’d rather not blow myself up.”  
Jim chuckles at that and reaches out his hand. “You’ve got the PAD you need to have signed?”  
Ark'a'li grabs her bag and rummages through it.  
“I must have left it in the machine room. Maybe I can bring it to you later?”  
Jim’s about to agree when he notices Carol looking pointedly at him.  
“No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to be busy later. You’ll have to get back to me tomorrow.”  
“Thank you. I will,” Ark'a'li is still smiling when she leaves the Turbolift a few seconds later.  
“You’re on first name terms with her?” Carol asks curious and there’s a hint of uneasiness in her voice.  
“We’re good friends,” Jim tells her, “She’s on the ship because she wants to look for her origins. We should introduce her to Uhura, they’d get along.”  
It’s the word “we” that calms Carol down and Jim refrains from talking more about Ark'a'li then necessary with Carol.  
He talks to Bones instead, when he’s concerned with his newest engineering member.  
“Did you know that her life motto is ‘Never wear a skirt when you kick ass’? She requested a male cadet uniform for her time in star fleet but changed back to the female one when she changed her life motto to 'I don’t believe in no-win scenarios’.”  
Bones looks at him, clearly confused.  
“Wait. Are we talking about Carol? I didn’t know she stole your life motto.”  
“Not Carol,” Jim corrects him and pours them a drink, “And she didn’t steal it. It’s allowed to have the same life motto as someone else.”  
“For someone who’s in a relationship, you talk an awful lot about a woman that isn’t your partner.”  
“First, she’s a friend and second, don’t criticize my relationship.”  
“What else do you want me to do?” Bones grumbles but lets it slide.  
-  
It’s hard, being himself and being in a relationship.  
He’s a runner, he jumps into danger, his blood is made of recklessness and sheer luck.  
Carol isn’t.  
She’s able to kick ass if she wants, too, but she doesn’t need it like she needs to breathe air.  
He does.  
They’re three months together and he can see it in his eyes, can feel it in his pulse that is way too fast.  
“You know that feeling you get when you’re about to do something stupid and dangerous? That tingling feeling?”  
He remembers Ark'a'li asking him that and knowing exactly how she felt. He did not stop her back then but she needs to stop him now. Because Carol may not be the love of his life but she’s important to him and he doesn’t want to lose her about this.  
“Help me,” he asks Ark'a'li one evening when he’s told Carol he’s with Bones and Bones that he’s with Carol.  
“Come with me,” Ark'a'li orders without asking questions and he follows her into a part of the ship he’s not exactly familiar with.  
There’s a punch bag hanging from the ceiling, transporting him back in time, back to earth and he wants to look at the other equipment, but Ark'a'li grabs his hands and bandages them.  
“Don’t want to mess up your pretty Captain’s knuckles,” she teases and takes a step back.  
“Hit me,” she tells him, “Because you obviously need to fight and I can’t hit you first. You’re my Captain after all.”  
His aims for her shoulder, which is stupid, obviously. Even more, when he doesn’t even put in a lot of effort.  
But she hits back right away, taking advantage of the fact that his defense isn’t what it’s supposed to be.  
But he’s James T. Kirk, alright, and even though she moves with the grace and deadly aim of someone who has been trained in this, he has learned how to fight in bars and boxing gyms where no one really cared about rules or grace or something like that. She might fight with style, but he fights dirty and with the aim to let out whatever feeling has been building up inside of him and somehow, that works out for him.  
He breaks her nose right after she’s given him a black eye. He kicks her knee so hard she tumbles to the side and when he hits the other leg two, she falls but digs her fingernails into his calve hard enough to make him bleed and she pulls him down with her.  
They lay on the floor, after a short fight and he looks at her and laughs, so open and freely he has done the last time when he was six and his mother had taken him and Sam on a trip to an amusement park to make up for her long absence.  
“Next time,” she tells him, “You don’t go easy on me.”  
“Same with you.”  
-  
Carol breaks up with him almost two months later.  
“I want to love you, Jim, I really do,” she tells him, “But I know you don’t love me as much as you could. You want me to be someone else and somehow that makes me turn into someone I don’t even like. We can’t just love the idea of each other, no matter how great that idea is. It’s just not fair. I don’t know what you need or what you want, but it’s obviously not me.”  
She leaves the ship a few days later for a better job.  
“Let’s stay friends,” she tells him as if that’s making anything better, “And if there’s something you want, don’t settle for less, okay?”  
“Like I would,” he tries to joke but she just shakes her head and waves one last time before beaming away.  
-  
He leaves the transporter room and goes straight for Ark'a'li, stopping way too close to her on a little catwalk above the coolers, breathing down her neck.  
“Hit me,” he tells her, “as hard as you can.”  
“Give me a reason to,” she tells him with a voice, just as soft as his, “Or do you need a reason to hit me? What is better?”  
“I want to let out the anger inside me,” he confesses and she straightens and looks him directly in the eye, dropping her equipment bag with a loud thud on the floor.  
“You’re pathetic,” she tells him with an almost monotone voice, “Don’t you know I always have to hold back when we’re sparring? You can’t even hit a girl,” she taunts him, hisses into his face, “You can’t even keep a girl.”  
His fists meet her face before his head has even told them too.  
There’s blood spurting out of her nose right away when she stumbles backwards against the railing and someone’s shouting their names, but he doesn’t listen, just hits her again, in the face, the shoulder, the stomach, just like he’s used to when they spar, just without the protective bandages and with audience.  
And with the addition that he forgets himself or what should be his self-restraint.  
But that’s not the scary part, not with Scotty screaming into a Communicator behind him and Security officers running towards him and the blur already leaving his vision.  
It’s Ark'a'li reacting to him. She stops his fist and when she hits back, she doesn’t hold back.  
Her eyes are empty when she lunges at him. She lands two solid hits, breaks his jaw bone with the first while the second one is just her finger nails ripping the skin from his cheek in four bloody stripes.  
She’s baring her teeth at him like an animal, her next hit breaking one of his ribs.  
His next hit is pure self-defense, right against the side of her head, making her stagger back.  
She’s trying to regain her feet and her eyes are still the same empty pools of muddy brown. His knees hit the steel of the catwalk when she lunges forward again, only to go slack when she’s met with Spock’s nerve pinch.

He sits next to her bed up in med-bay after he has convinced an enraged Bones and a worried Spock that this was only a badly chosen place for a sparring match and not the reason to send her away for mutiny. The wounds on his cheeks have healed, his ribs and jaw bone will take a little more time, but she looks more shaken up than he had the right to be when she wakes up.  
That’s what I meant,” she tells him, “but you wouldn’t believe me.”  
“I believe you now,” Jim mumbled, “But I’m still going to spar with you.”  
She smiles at him, with fear still prominent in her eyes. She’s afraid of herself and afraid that one day he will be too.  
And while he’s slipping out of this memory into another one, the fear settles in his bones, soaking him in cold, chilling him, the picture of her bared teeth and empty eyes burnt into his mind.

“Captain?”  
The voice does not fit into his memories but it’s the blinding light that shakes him out of it.  
He groans and shields his eyes with his hands.  
“Captain, are you okay?”  
It’s Spock.  
Jim straightens carefully, trying to find back to himself.  
He’s still trying to work out where he is and at what time in his life with all the memories flying around in his head when someone grabs him and pulls him up with ease.  
“Captain, are you okay?”  
“’m not Capt'n…”, Jim mumbles tiredly, “Right?”  
“Right,” Spock agrees and that’s all the confirmation he needs.  
The Vulcan helps him out of the shower cabin and back into his room.  
“Bed…”, Jim orders and Spock follows his instructions, letting him sit down on the mattress.  
“I have a few things to discuss with you but maybe I should get back to you when you’re sober.”  
“’s not gonna happen that fast,” Jim argues, “Ask Bones for that weird stuff. He knows…”  
Spock looks like he wants to say something, but turns instead and leaves the quarters.  
Jim just shrugs and reaches out towards the bottle of Ale he remembers leaving on the table. When he can’t reach it, he opens his eyes again, but there’s no bottle on the table.  
He thinks about looking for it but decides against it when he tries to get up again and the room starts spinning.  
Just lying there might be good enough.

He can feel the walls of the shuttle vibrate, can feel the force of the impact, can hear the awful sound of something breaking. But he can see nothing.  
“What’s happening? Status!” He yells.  
The woman co-piloting answers him, fear in her voice.  
“Something hit us. Lights are out, we can’t see anything at all. There’s no way we can navigate…”  
There’s movement next to him and a hand that touches his.  
“Jim,” Ark'a'li whispers, “Permission to navigate the shuttle.”  
“You’re an engineer,” he reminds her but stops when her mouth touches his ear.  
“I can see in the dark,” she tells him and her voice is so calm in the panic of the moment, that he mumbles a “permission granted” back at her.  
He sits in his chair, hands clutched around the arm rest, counting the people in the shuttle in his head.  
Name after name, he calls out to them and ensures that no one is hurt.  
The pilots mumble in front of him, he can make out their voices. Oleifs is deep and reassuring, then there’s the high and confused tone of Herkligs and Ark'a'lis voice is right in the middle, balancing them out.  
He calls her. “Is everything okay?”  
“Everything fine, Captain,” she calls back to him, “Can you reach the emergency kit under your seat?”  
He does. It’s a small box, filled with various items. He looks for the small tube filled with liquid and kinks it. It starts glowing immediately and in the soft yellow light he can make out the rest of the team. They look back at him and he smiles reassuringly, glad to see that none of them are visibly hurt.  
Then he turns towards the front and almost screams.  
“Relax. It’s me,” it’s Ark'a'lis voice but she doesn’t look like herself, mainly because there are now two black holes where her eyes should be.  
“What happened to your eyes?”  
Something that looks like a second skin slides back down and she looks at him with human eyes.  
„I can slide my corneal back. It allows me to see in the dark… Does that bother you?“  
„No…“ He exclaims but she doesn’t look convinced and turns away from him.  
„We’re going to land according to our plan. If the Sinar rebels sent us whatever just hit us, they might be awaiting us.“  
Jim sighs and pulls out his phaser. „Set phaser to stun,“ he tells the crew and watches Ark'a'li walk back towards the front.  
Maybe it’s because he wasn’t prepared for such a sight, but the way her eyes looked like mere dark holes still haunts him.


	9. Chapter 9

A sharp pain in his neck makes him jolt awake.  
„Captain…“ Spock is standing next to the bed, looking down at him, „You were talking in your sleep…“  
„I wasn’t sleeping…“ Jim mumbles but stops when there’s another sharp pain and Spock still hasn’t moved an inch.  
„What…?“ He asks but falls quiet when Bones rises up before him.  
„Whatever you were doing, you seemed terrified of someone’s eyes…“  
„What are you doing here?“ Jim grumbles and slowly sits up.  
His neck hurts from the Hyposprays, but he feels sober now. There’s not even a hangover, he’s just tired and stiff from sleeping in the shower.  
„Saving you from going blind from either alcohol or a killer hangover. How much did you drink last night?“  
„Not that much,“ Jim argues and looks away, „Spock, you wanted to talk about something.“  
„Yes, indeed. I initiated another mission this morning. We were able to recover the date from the research station and took some samples for the engineering division. On the river bank, we found something that will be of your interest.“  
Jim straightens, looking up at the Vulcan.  
„Cut the Crap, Spock,“ Bones snarled, „Your dramatic pauses give a false sense of hope.“  
„That wasn’t my intent, Doctor…“ Spock starts again but is interrupted.  
„What did you find?!“ Jim asks impatiently.  
„We found Lieutenant Guyets uniform dress and her blood. There must have been a lot of it, but it has been washed away by the spray of the nearby waterfall.“  
„Her dress?“ Jim asks again and even though his words can be misunderstood as confusion, his intonation can not.  
Spock understands and hands him a small red bundle.  
Jim takes it, his hands almost halting midway. He holds it carefully as if it will come to life any moment.  
Softly he places the bundle in his lap and looks back up, his hands never leaving the stained fabric.  
„What else do you want to talk about?“ He asks with a strained voice.  
„Can’t it wait?“ Bones interrupts, „Give him some time, man.“  
„I don’t need your pity,“ Jim snaps, „I can take it.“  
The doctor keeps to himself at that, stepping away from the bed, but not leaving.  
„Spock. What else is there?“  
„Someone has to inform Qui'raz'nuk Quasar of everything. I can do it, as I am acting as the Captain now, but knowing that the Quasar customs are similar to the human ones, he might resent me for doing it for you.“  
Jim shakes his head. „No,“ he rasps, „I’ll do it.“  
The room falls silent. It takes Jim a few minutes to realize that and pick up his head, looking at Spock again.  
„What else?“  
„Our mission on Tuwek-114 is completed. According to Protocol we have to move on.“  
Spocks request is answered by a weird noise. It sounds like someone choking and it takes Jim another moment to realize that the noise has come from him.  
„We can’t…“, he says, „Protocol… We haven’t had a burial yet…“  
„There’s no body,“ Spock reminds him.  
„Like we need one for that,“ Bones cuts in, „It’s the right thing to do. She has been our friend and it’s the respectful way to bid her farewell.“  
„Very well,“ Spock complies, „You will be in charge of planning the burial, then.“  
The Doctor stares at him with something akin to disgust.  
„Thank you!“, he hisses, „For your consideration. As the acting Captain, you will surely speak a few words to raise the morale of the crew.“  
„If you insist,“ Spock says evenly.  
„Leave. Both of you,“ Jim orders abruptly, glaring at them, „Right now.“  
Spock complies without another word.  
The Doctor does not.  
„Jim,“ he argues, „Can I talk to-“  
„Not now,“ Jim stops him, „I have to call Ark'a'lis father.“  
His friend looks like he has a lot he wants to say to that but his shoulders slump and he nods.  
„Okay. Call me after that, okay?“  
Jim does not answer that request.  
Bones isn’t even sure the boy heard him.  
-  
„Oh no, stop right there!“ Bones calls out and the girl stops abruptly, turning back to him with confused eyes and the hint of a smile.  
„What do you think you’re doing?“ He asks.  
„Going on a mission,“ she tells him nonchalantly even though she’s in a blaring red shirt and approximately ten years old.  
„On a mission back to your room, you mean,“ Bones corrects her, „Don’t think you can fool me! I’ve been looking through lies like that longer than you’re alive.“  
She grins openly now. „You look younger than you are, then. Or I do.“  
He opens his mouth to ask her age when Jim steps up to them.  
„Ark'a'li, everything ready?“  
„As ready as it can be,“ she tells him, „Who else is coming?“  
„Carol and Bones here,“ Jim pats the Doctor on the Back, „As well as Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Sykes. Carol is the most important person today because the Count of Azly asked us to look over their weapon system and Carol has-“  
„A doctorate in advanced weaponry. I know, Jim,“  
Bones sends his friend a pointed look at that.  
„So I’m not the only one who has to listen to you gush over someone?“  
Jim rolls his eyes at that and pulls Ark'a'li to the side, telling her something in private.  
Bones watches them intently. They talk like close friends who share more than a few secrets.  
And he isn’t the only one watching them, he notices with a look in Carol’s direction.  
Just seconds later the girl walks away, a look of determination on her face. Jim steps back to Bones.  
„What did you tell her?“  
„That she’s responsible for you and your well-being.“  
„Well, shit, now I feel safe!“ Bones scoffs.  
„You should. She’s good.“  
Something moves in front of him and Bones jumps back. He’s directly in front of the Botanic labs and even though that this is the place that is almost the farthest away from where he wanted to go, he steps inside.  
Some science officers have really outdone themselves, transforming a part of the lab until it feels like a small park.  
Bones steps inside, finds a stone big enough to sit on and closes his eyes. The silence and calmness of his environment help him find back into his memories. Weird to think that it happened only three years ago.  
„The Count of Azly is a bunch of dickheads!“ Bones curses and moves his medical tricorder over Sykes left leg. The Ensigns face is pale and sweaty and he looks like he’s about to pass out.  
„It’s not the Counts fault that we were attacked,“ The girl reminds him, still trying to reach one of the other, shuttle like aircrafts the Azly use. She sighs and puts the communicator down when she comes up with nothing. Just a few steps left of here lies the corpse of the Azly pilot who took the brunt of whatever hit them.  
„It’s their fault for not taking more safety measures,“ Bones chides and looks over the plateau they have been stranded on, „At least Jim’s safe.“ He grumbles.  
„So your choice to take the second shuttle was to help Jim get away?“ She asks intrigued, „That was very brave of you.“  
„Brave my ass. How would I know they were going to shoot the second shuttle instead of both?“  
The girl opens her mouth to say something but closes it again and Bones focuses on Sykes’ leg instead.  
„Here…“ She hands him two black twigs she must have found on the ground, „We can use this to splint the fracture.“  
„Are we in the dark ages now?“ He scoffs but aligns the twigs with Sykes’ leg, „Now, Mrs girl scout, do you happen to have some string too?“  
There’s a ripping sound and when he looks up she hands him the hem of her uniform dress. „I can rip off more if you need.“  
He grumbles. „Start with your collar. Can’t have you naked here.“

They have to walk back through the forest. Walking seems to be a way better idea than flying at first, but only until they encounter the first exemplar of wildlife. Even the harmless animals are the size of big dogs and look at you with at least six unblinking eyes at once.  
Bones keeps himself calm by focusing on the red of Sykes shirt before him. The girl carries him on her back and so far she hasn’t made a comment about his weight or how they should switch once in a while. She’s either stubborn or very strong and he guesses she’s both.

And then the trees break down and an animal steps out and it’s the ugliest thing Bones has ever seen. It looks like someone took a rat, made it grow until it was as big as a small elephant and put the head of a bear on the almost hairless pink rat-body.  
The thing roars and takes another step forward but the girl is already on its face, roaring back. The creature falters and stops and squeaks in surprise and the girl grabs the fur on his neck and pulls him down.  
„Get up.“, she tells Bones, „We’re going to ride the rest of the way.“

She puts Sykes in front of her and orders him to hold onto her as if he’s a schoolgirl being allowed to ride a motorbike for the first time.  
But that creature sure is fast.  
He opens his eyes to the plants around him but sees the forest they raced through. He had been so mad that day. Mad at Jim for putting him on that mission, for having enough bad luck for the whole crew together and for making that girl responsible for him. And he’s mad at the girl because she’s good at what she does because she doesn’t seem afraid at all.  
He remembers looking down at her, thinking ‘I need to ask her what she fears’ but he had thought that three years ago and he still doesn’t know.

„Oh, I’m sorry…“ Bones looks up to Lieutenant Singh standing in the doorway, „I didn’t think, I will leave you alone.“  
„Lieutenant Singh…“ he calls out to her, „Don’t let my presence stop you, I’m already on my way.“  
She looks at him, rolling her words around in her mouth before saying them out loud.  
„You don’t have to be so formal with me,“ she tells him, „I’m Lucy and you look like you need a friend.“  
„I do,“ he agrees, „We all do, I think… Have you ever planned a funeral?“  
She looks shocked and he reels back.  
„That was an insensitive question, even for me, sorry. It’s just, that Spock made me responsible for the girls funeral and I don’t really feel like I can do it.“  
„I can help,“ she says but her eyes tell him that she’d rather not, „Organizing and planning are something I’m good at.“  
„You don’t have to,“ he offers her a way out, „I will be fine after a coffee.“  
„She was my friend too,“ she reminds him and steps closer, offers him her hand to get up, „And she deserves something memorable.“  
-  
A Captain has to deliver bad news quite often. Or maybe that’s just Jims experience because he does not only have to call because of dead crewmates but also has to explain to the admirals why his starship needs repairs again and so on.

Still, there’s nothing that could have him prepared for what he has to do now.  
He thinks about a drink first but he knows that he won’t be able to stop after just one and he has to wait at least another hour so the stuff Bones injected him won’t seriously mess him up when he drinks.  
And he can’t wait that long when he has only one thing on his mind.  
-


	10. Chapter 10

He would have preferred the traditional way of calling Ark'a'lis father. Traditional in a way that would make it impossible to see each other’s faces but the Quasar are immensely proud of their hologram technique and he has never had a problem with that before.  
Qui'raz'nuks smiling face appears, tinted blue from the hologram. Having Ark'a'lis eyes still fresh in mind, it’s unsettling to see the quasar eyes again, even if it is only in hologram form.  
He tries to think of something else instead and remembers that just a week ago Bones had jokingly referred to the king as Jim’s future father in law. His brain doesn’t seem to let him catch a break.  
„Hello Jim, dear, what a nice surprise that you are calling. We have just discussed the matter of your planned holiday after your mission has ended. The high priests are thinking about introducing you to the temple of Qu'a.“  
„That is… nice…“, Jim mumbles and rubs a thread of Ark'a'lis dress between his fingers.  
„It is unusual that you are calling me alone. Is litt'ett okay?“  
Litt'ett. Little one. The pet name the king has for his daughter has never sounded so out of place.  
Jim rubs his face in exasperation. His eyes sting but there are no tears as if he has cried himself dry, even though he doesn’t remember crying at all.  
„Jim?“ There’s worry in the king’s voice now.  
„I am so sorry,“ Jim mumbled, his voice scratching his throat raw, „I am so sorry. She went on a mission, it seemed so easy, but…“  
„What happened to her?“  
„We don’t know,“ Jim confesses, „She fell off a cliff into the river, but we couldn’t find her body, just her bloody ripped dress and an animal that could have eaten her. It tried to eat us too.“  
His report is followed by silence.  
Qui'raz'nuk, the king of the Quasar, is unable to talk. He whimpers instead and the sound of it cuts deep into Jim’s heart.  
He has admired the other guy from the moment he met him.  
After all, he had welcomed a space shuttle full of star fleet Cadets that had been through the horror of a worm hole more than thirty years ago when the Quasars had only had bad experiences with foreigners before hand. He had learned from them and had changed the way the Quasars worked only to receive backlash from his father, the former king who had killed the whole star fleet crew, including Qui'raz'nuks wife and beaming their five-year-old daughter away into the unknown dangers of outer space, incarcerating the king himself and taking his place.  
And when they had met more than one year ago in a dungeon, Qui'raz'nuk had been calm and collected, telling Ark'a'li that revenge would never give way to peace.  
But, as it seemed, even the best meet their limits. And losing his daughter only a year after getting her back seemed to be Qui'raz'nuks limit.  
Jim closes his eyes and lets the whimpering sound consume him. It feels like hell but if anyone has to go through that, it’s him.  
The whimpering finally ceases and Jim opens his eyes again.  
Qui'raz'nuk is looking directly at him.  
„I will tell the high priests to pray for her. Om'qu'ga will be kind to her spirit.”  
Jim nods without understanding any of it.  
“We’re going to set up a formal burial for her. Maybe you could speak on behalf of her Quasar origins?”  
Qui'raz'nuk thanks him formally, “It is very kind of you to allow me that.”  
“It’s the least I can do. She is your daughter after all.”  
“She was,” the king corrects him, “I never had the chance to bury Anne. It means a lot to me.”  
He stops. “And Jim… if you feel like she is still there… don’t forget that she is. According to Quasar beliefs death turns us back to what we were before, the darkness that makes up the Universe.”  
They end their call with the promise to get back to each other.  
Jim thinks about calling Bones, he knows he should, even if it’s just because of Qui'raz'nuk taking part in the burial ceremony but he decides against it.  
Just thinking of the look in his friend’s eyes when he had told Spock that he, Jim, needed some time… There was only so much he could take right now and Pity did not fall into that short list.  
He rummages around for his half filled bottle of Ale instead but comes up empty.  
Spock or Bones must have thrown it away.  
What he finds instead is the bottle of Scotch Ark'a'li had given him when she moved in. It’s still half full and he moves to open it, but slips. The edge of the note attached to it cuts his finger. He curses and rips the note off the bottle, staring down at it.  
The bottle was meant for our anniversary, you impatient fool. Don’t drink it without me, A.  
Ark'a'li has the worst handwriting he has ever seen.  
“What’s that? Looks like a monkey tried to write with his hands tied behind his back.”  
He leans over her shoulder, looking down at the rare sight of an old fashioned paper notebook and her writing.  
“Har har, you’re so funny,” she scoffs and slams the notebook shut, “Not everyone can write like a goddamn computer, you know.”  
“Are you implying that I have a wonderful handwriting?” He smirks and she rolls her eyes.  
“No, I was referring to Commander Spock. Your writing looks like you tried to write in cursive while crossing your eyes.”  
“Insulting the Captain on duty?” He asks mockingly, “Are you sure you want to go there?”  
She hits his chest lightly, “Why are you even down here? Shouldn’t you be on a date with Dr. Marcus?”  
Right. He blinks. He remembers that they fought often about their respective handwriting but his brain seemed to have a will of his own, forcing him to remember that particular day.  
He tries to remember Ark'a'lis face, the way she looked when she had asked him that. But he can’t.  
Instead, he remembers clearly the churning feeling inside of him, the resentment at the fact that she didn’t seem to like that he ditched a possible date to spend time with her.  
It’s not the first time he thinks that he should never have dated Carol. On the other hand, he argues with himself that it hadn’t been that bad. He had learned a lot in those four months and a part of him still believed that he would have never been able to seriously date Ark'a'li without a first try.  
He forces down the memories of Carol, screws of the bottle cap and takes a big sip of scotch before coming to his senses and put the bottle down with disgust.  
She had specifically asked him to not drink it without her and here he was, close to downing the Scotch in order to forget his ex.  
“If you feel like she is still there… don’t forget that she is. According to Quasar beliefs death turns us back to what we were before, the darkness that makes up the Universe.”  
He remembers Qui'raz'nuks words clearly. Now, that he isn’t face to face with the king anymore, the anger flares up inside of him and he throws the bottle against the wall, yelling “Fuck the Universe!” at the top of his lungs.  
“I don’t want her to be part of that.” He finds a shoe and throws it too, throws everything he can reach and when the only thing left is his shirt from the day before he grabs it and rips it.  
“I want her here.” He tears the sleeve off.  
“Alive.” The other sleeve comes off too.  
“Not fucking darkness.” He rips off the collar, unable to talk now, just ripping the golden fabric into smaller parts. When there’s nothing left of it, he’s out of breath and the room smells of the scotch that went out of the open bottle.  
He pulls it out the mess that is now his bed. Luckily it didn’t break and he screws it closed and puts it away.  
It might be irrational, but he can’t drink it and not just because the Scotch was meant to be enjoyed and not downed for the purpose of getting drunk.

He could go out, find the bar and come back to the room with a not so healthy amount of the strong, illegal stuff he has stashed away there but he doesn’t want to risk walking into someone on the way.  
He opts for the replicator instead. It only produces ethanol but he’s still sober enough to remember that time he had a bet with Ark'a'li and Scotty on who could manage to overwrite the system to replicate the best – and strongest – drinks. Scotty had won by a landslide but the extended shore leave he had earned himself had been nothing when taken into account that he had to teach the two other contestants his method.  
He works methodically, replicating 15 drinks in total and putting them on his table in an order from strongest to still strong but not as deadly.  
Jim downs the first four and takes his time with the fifth that taste like lemon juice mixed with pepper.  
He rests his head on the table next to the glass and loses himself in the yellow-greenish liquid.  
“What are you eating?” He hears himself say and turns his head away from the glass and towards Ark'a'li who has just pulled a long worm-like thing out of the bowl that is in front of her.  
She slurps the black thing down like a giant noodle and looks back at him.  
“Hell if I know,” she shoots back, “But it’s spiciness is on Vulcan standards and it tastes awesome.”  
“But it looks gross.”  
“Then don’t look at it.”  
He looks at her more closely. She’s wearing Jeans and a T-shirt again and he wonders if that are her only clothes next to the uniforms that come with the job.  
Maybe it’s the alcohol or the way too frustrating work week that made him almost run out of the ship, but he feels a sudden longing for her. He swallows the feeling down as good as he can.  
“Why are you hanging out with me anyway?” He mumbles and she looks up, surprise in her eyes.  
“I’m not hanging out with you,” She reminds him, “You’re hanging out with me. You followed me out of the ship into this bar and so far you’re only complaining about my choice of food.”  
“I’ve been on this planet a few times before but I’ve never seen anyone eat this.”  
“You’re probably haven’t been in this tavern either.”  
Jim looks around and nods surprised. “That’s true. I don’t recognize anything in it. Why are we here anyway?”  
“The food is great,” she quips, “But you can leave whenever you want.”  
“And leave you alone? Where are your friends?”  
She stops, the spoon directly in front of her mouth. She drops it and sighs.  
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t really have friends.”  
“You’ve got me.”  
“Yeah, but I didn’t exactly choose you. You just pushed yourself on me.”  
“Wow, thanks,” he mocks but smiles at her all the same, “It doesn’t exactly make sense that you don’t have friends. You’re always friendly and funny.”  
“To you,” she reminds him, “It’s not that there aren’t any opportunities, I just like to keep to myself. I’ve lived through too many starship crews not to know that friendships don’t last.”  
She looks back down at her bowl and pushes it away from her as if she’s lost her appetite over this topic.  
“That’s bullshit,” Jim says and downs his drink before he gets up, “Come on, I will show you.”  
“Do I have to?”  
“Absolutely, I can’t walk on my own anymore.”

He tells her where he wants to go and she helps him navigate out of the back alleys he has never seen before.  
By the time they reach the bar he usually visits with Bones and the others, they are already joking again.  
“Where have you been?” The doctor asks when Jim steps up to their table, Ark'a'li following two steps behind.  
“Ark'a'li showed me a Tavern I’ve never been to before. They have the grossest food I’ve ever seen, but the drinks are awesome.”  
The group shuffles together, making room for the two newcomers.  
“Hey!”, Scotty shouts and stretches over the table to wave his hand in front of Ark'a'lis face, “I know you. You’re in engineering.”  
“Guilty as charged,” Ark'a'li jokes and slips into their group like she has always been there with them.

“I’m drunk,” Ark'a'li complains a few hours later when they walk back to the ship.  
“I know,” Jim replies and stumbles a bit, “You gonna keep the picture?” He asks and nods towards Scotty.  
“Which picture?” Ark'a'li mumbles and grabs his shoulder to steady herself.  
“The one Scotty made from us.”  
“Sure,” she mumbles, “If you promise to never let me drink that much again.”  
“If you promise to stay friends with us.”  
“If you promise to stop being so annoying.”  
“I’m not annoying,” he argues and she laughs, her laughter quickly changing into a bad case of hiccups.  
“Thank you,” she manages to say between the hiccups shaking her, “Now I don’t feel like a nobody anymore.”  
He stops dead in his tracks and looks at her.  
“What?” She asks defensively, “I thought you knew that. I’ve seen it in your eyes.”  
Jim blinks and groans.  
Through the colorful liquid in his glass he can see the white walls of his rooms, telling him that he’s just slipped out of his memories again.  
He tries to remember how their conversation went on, but the pictures and sounds are slipping fast from his fingers, like sand. He had been so drunk that night, everyone had been so drunk that night, until this moment he hadn’t even remembered how they made it back to the starship and now this?

Jim takes a sip from the drink in front of him, then a second one and then he downs the glass.  
His head hurts like hell, he needs to pee and his throat is dry.  
He moves slowly, making his way to the bathroom, careful not to knock something over. There are still enough drinks left and he won’t be able to drink them if he falls down.  
He forces every other memory away from him until he’s done with what is absolutely necessary but can’t really tell how he made it back to the table, just pulls five more drinks towards himself, prepping himself for another round of memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?


	11. Chapter 11

Cause what you see you might not get  
And we can bet so don’t you get souped yet  
You’re scheming on a thing that’s a mirage  
I’m trying to tell you now it’s sabotage

Ark'a'lis head is bobbing up and down with the music while she’s tinkering away on something.  
“Ark'a'li,” Jaylah walks over to her, “Do you know this machinery?”  
Ark'a'li turns toward the PAD Jaylah is holding, looking over the blue print.  
“Is that a hover board?”  
“Yes. I want to make it faster.”  
Ark'a'li nods and pulls off her work gloves, taking the PAD and looking closer at the pictures.  
“I know the basic outlay of a hover board but this isn’t one. I can’t imagine how someone could navigate this with the speed it must already provide.”  
“It takes training,” Jaylah quips and takes the PAD back.  
Ark'a'lis eyes are still locked onto the spot it was in, deep in thought.  
“Well, if you’d change some parts, it could be easier to navigate and we could give it a speed push. I think I have exactly what you need, I put them aside for later use.”  
“I cannot take them,” Jaylah exclaims, “You need them.”  
“I help you, you help me,” Ark'a'li tells her with a smile, “I’m working on a mobile replicator device but it’s still wonky and I think you could be the right person to help me with that. If you want to, of course.”  
“Why do you need a mobile replicator?” Jaylah asks, smiling at the compliment.  
“For the obvious reasons of having food and clothes everywhere, I go, if I want it. Plus it’s great for pranking.”  
“Jaylah?” Scotty’s voice cuts through the noise and she blinks, one, two, three times, finding herself in her room at Starfleet Academy, the worried face of Montgomery Scotty in front of her on a display.  
“Yes?”  
“You zoned out, Lassie. Are you okay?”  
“I am not okay,” Jaylah admits without missing a beat, “I do not understand how Ark'a'li could die. She was a good warrior. She could not have died by slipping.”  
“Death’s a trickster,” Scotty mumbles, “He gets us when we’re not prepared.”  
“Still,” Jaylah insists, “How could she let that happen? She promised we would work together when I graduate.”  
“I know, Lassie, she meant that but somethings things get in the way-”  
“I know that!”, she cuts him off brusquely, “I know what death means. My family is dead.”  
“Not all of them,” Scotty assures her, “We’re still here, waiting for you.”  
Her face softens a bit.  
“I know. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s okay. It gets to us all… We’re gonna give her a burial this week. I know you can’t come but we want to give her something from us. We were thinking about her favorite wrench.”  
“That is good,” Jaylah nods her head, stops and starts to search around in her drawer, coming up with a small device the size of an outdated lighter.  
“I made this for her,” she tells him, “I’m going to send you this. You can send it into the universe for me, even if it’s after the funeral.”  
“What is it?”  
“It’s a beaming device. Like a… the thing you use to switch something on and off?”  
“A remote?”  
“Yes!” She smiles. “It is a beaming remote. I wanted her to look over it. You can give it to her for me.”  
“Will do,” Scotty smiles back at her, his voice soft, “You have to go to classes soon. Call me when you want to talk, okay?”  
“I will, Montgomery Scotty. And so will you.”  
-  
“Why didn’t you major in Biology if you’re so interested in plants?” Sulu asks and watches the young Engineering Ensign struggle with a giant plotted pant.  
“Because I got bored,” she tells him and puts the plant down with a heavy thud, „And I’m not interested in all plants. Well, technically I am, but I am specifically interested in this one. Do you know why?“  
„No, I don’t,“ he tells her nonchalantly, „I’m a helmsman, not a Science officer. You’re just meeting me in the botany lab because I need some data for a friend.“  
„Oh…“ she steps to the side, „Sorry, I did not want to keep you from anything.“  
„It’s fine,“ he tells her and accesses one of the computers, sending the data on its way to Ben, who is far far away on Earth.  
He can see the Lieutenant through her reflection in the Computer screen.  
She’s sitting on the floor, focusing on the plant that is bigger than her, quietly mumbling to herself.  
No one’s going to think bad of him if he just leaves now. He does not need to talk more to her, not in his free time at least because even though Kirk introduced her to them on their last shore-leave, there’s no reason for them to become friends.  
But he still turns around and lowers himself to the ground so they are the same height.  
“You’re Ensign Guyet, right?”  
She looks up, clearly surprised. He does not know what’s the surprise to her: that he’s talking to her or that he remembered her name, but he brushes it off.  
“Why are you interested in the plant?”  
She grins and for a moment, she looks a lot like Kirk when he’s got one of his damn plans.  
“According to the data it is very similar to the Terran Agave tequilana which is used to make Tequila and I’ve wondered…”  
“You want to make Tequila out of a space plant?”  
She pouts. “Not for me, okay? Jim mentioned that he’s still looking for a present for Bones and I thought it would be a good idea.”  
“I don’t think Doctor McCoy would drink anything made out of space plants, he believes they want to kill him.”  
She pouts again. “That sucks,” she mumbles, “I thought it was a great present.”  
“It is,” he assures her, “Just not for Doctor McCoy. Kirk, on the other hand, would be delighted if you gave it to him.”  
She looks at him as if he just brought World Peace.  
“That’s great! I’m just gonna give it to Jim.”  
“Lieutenant Sulu!” Spocks voice rings out, loud and clear and right next to his face.  
Sulu flinches visibly and faces the former Commander, now Captain.  
“Yes, Captain?”  
“What were you so interested in that made you unable to hear my voice calling you three times?”  
Sulu grimaces.  
“I was thinking about Lieutenant Guyet, Sir,” he mumbles dejectedly and Spock raises one pointed eyebrow at him.  
“If you are unable to concentrate on the task at hand, you are obligated to ask for a relief,” the Captain reminds him, “Do you need a relief.”  
“No, Sir, I don’t. I will focus from now on,” Sulu forces out and Spock nods and walks two steps towards Chekov who has been staring at them for the last minute.  
The boy’s eyes have been red-rimmed since they got the news.  
“Mr. Chekov, how are the calculations going?”  
“Wery good, Sir,” he stutters, “Yorktown is sending a cargo shuttle towards us that will spare us the way back to them.”  
“Good,” Spock nods to himself and turns around. He must have locked eyes with Lieutenant Uhura because he turns back again.  
“Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, I advise you to take a break before getting on with the task. It is required from all of us to step back into the routine but for those who are victims to their emotions, it might be necessary to take breaks from time to time to regain their strength and focus. Report back in an hour.”  
Sulu looks like he’s about to protest but Chekov just quietly moves out of his chair and heads with an emotionless “Thank you, Sir,” towards the turbolift.  
He doesn’t wait for the helmsman but chooses a random level on the console, not bothering where he will land, just wanting to be alone for a bit.  
When the door opens, the lights are dim and no ones around, but when he steps out of the lift, he can see a familiar head of unruly sandy blond locks.  
“Ensign Guyet!” He calls out and she turns around to look at him, waiting for him to catch up.  
“Are you going on shore leave alone?” He asks and involuntarily rings his hands.  
She smiles.  
“Don’t worry, I’m not planning on getting into trouble this time.”  
“I’m sorry,” he exclaims, “That you got… that they…”  
“Oh, don’t worry,” she laughs, “I have been through worse. And they did call you some bad names you didn’t deserve.”  
“That’s not… You did not have to,” he stumbles over his words again and she smiles and waits for him to finish his sentence.  
“Do you want to go out and eat something with me?” He asks shyly.”  
“I’d love to,” she tells him, “But I don’t go on dates and I’m at least 10 years older than you.”  
“Only 8,” he corrects her, “I’ve checked your file.”  
Her smile grows and he realizes what he has just said and blushes furiously.  
“I don’t mean, I didn't…. I don’t want to go… No date, okay? Just friends.”  
“I am okay with friends,” she tells him, “But you will have to let me set you up to prove your point.”  
“I can set myself up just fine,” he tells her off and she laughs and links their arms together, “That, Chekov Pavel Andrejvich, is something you will have to prove first.”

Suddenly they are in a Bar together and he’s watching himself or is it a reflection of himself? It looks odd and a bit distorted as if he’s looking through one of those weird mirrors they put in the circus.  
He’s sitting next to Ark'a'li and he’s laughing and she’s laughing too and then a girl walks by, green skin and red hair and he turns around almost involuntarily and looks after the Orion girl. He can still see himself, can see the way his eyes follow the girl but that’s not what catches his attention, not even when the Orion girl turns around and smiles back at him.  
Because Ark'a'li gets up and leaves and with every step she takes away from the table, she vanishes, as if she’s made of nothing more but colored smoke.  
And he, the one who was watching, runs after her and tries to catch her, hold her back, but there’s nothing but air beneath his fingers.

When Sulu finds him, he’s cowering on the floor of the deserted cargo deck, crying into his sleeve, mumbling nonsense.  
“Listen,” Sulu says and sits next to him, “There’s nothing you did wrong. Don’t you blame yourself, alright? She wouldn’t want that…”  
They sit together in silence for a bit before Sulu speaks again.  
“When my mom died, it helped me to think of everything that was good about her. Or what she liked about me. Do you remember the time when we got friends? After Kirk introduced her to us? When we helped her make Space Tequila?”  
“The stuff that was highly explosive?” Chekov asks back, his accent thick, laughs and wipes his face with his sleeve, “We blew up the lab. Commander Spock was so mad.”  
“You know,” Sulu mutters, “We still have some of that Agave tequilana on board. We could give it to her in the burial.  
“She would like that!”  
-  
The last time Lucy had been standing in front of the Captain’s Quarters, she had been in an affair with said Captain. And although they had kept it very private, it didn’t mean that her brain handled it the same way. Looking at the door she had to fight down a blush before she could knock.  
There was no response.  
She knocked again, harder this time, but nothing happened, not even after she tried a third time.  
Lucy sighed. There was no denying the fact that she needed to speak to Kirk.  
There was only so much planning they could do without him being involved.  
She thinks about going back to Dr. McCoy or even Captain Spock to ask them to open the door for her. Not that it’s necessary, she does know enough about override codes from her time as a nurse.  
But maybe he’s sleeping? Or does not want to be disturbed?  
Let’s give him another 15 minutes, she thinks, I will drink a coffee and try again and if he does not open me then, I will force my way in.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

Warning: violence  
Jim’s falling through time.  
It’s not a nice feeling to have, especially when time seems to spit him out in all the memories that have the potential to truly haunt him forever.  
The quarry in Iowa, him dangling over the edge. That Nightmare of an Animal on Delta Vega, pulling him into its mouth with his tongue tied around his foot. A black hole pulling the Enterprise towards death, the ship’s walls and windows cracking from the pressure.  
Khan attacking the Starfleet meeting, Pike’s death, Admiral Marcus telling him that he would kill the whole crew, every single one of them without hesitating for a mistake that he himself had made.  
Waiting for death inside the warp core.  
He’s falling so fast that he’s starting to get dizzy, but time’s slowing down now and his memories allow him one blissfull moment in which he’s back in his room, kissing Ark'a'li Guyet, oblivious to who she is and what will be.  
But time rips her away from him and throws him forward, makes him sick.  
He sees the dark holes in Ark'a'lis face that are her eyes. She gnarls at one Sinar rebel and when he dares to attack her with a knife, she grabs his hand, pulls him forward and hits his elbow with her other fist. There’s a sickening sound of bones breaking and he screams, the knife drops to the ground and his arm dangles uselessly by his side. Sinar hadn’t been a fun ride, for sure, but before that mission, Jim had not known what a knee-cap breaking sounded like. He wished he could remove that knowledge from his brain but it was burnt in.  
When Ark'a'li reaches out to him with a bloody hand time has moved again. He does not know where they are or what stardate it is. It could have never happened for all that matters but what he knows is that the blood on Ark'a'lis hand is not her own.  
Time pushes him forward with the hands of a rude giant. He thinks of their favorite movie, of the Giant Fezzik and tries to remember all the times they have seen it as friends and later as a couple but the hands won’t allow it, just push him further and further through time and all he sees are fights and blood and broken bones and death.  
He wants to stop, to go back or just lay down and sleep but instead, he has to face the facts again.  
Ark'a'li Guyet may be half human, but when she fights, she isn’t. She does not feel pain and if there was a way the old legends of the Norse berserk were true, they must have been about Ark'a'lis origins.  
And even though he’s fighting against it, he starts to be afraid. Afraid of her, even though he promised her he never would be.  
When time pushes him onto the Bridge of the Enterprise and he sees Yorktown for the first time again, he’s thankful. He can handle Krall, even better in his memories.  
He’s almost apathetic, going through the horror of losing his ship and his crew again. Not for the first time, he wonders where Ark'a'li had been on Altamid and time seems to agree with him because everything stops.  
“I don’t know,” he hears himself mumble, “It’s getting harder to tell where one day ends and the next one begins, don’t you think.”  
He’s standing in the middle of the training room, staring at the punchbag.  
Ark'a'li sits on the floor next to him, blowing her nose and throwing the tissue through the room.  
“I know what you mean,” she snuffles, “Especially when I work Gamma Shift.”  
“Things have started to feel a little episodic,“ he adds and lets himself sink to the floor next to her. He’s feeling empty and desperate again, even though this is only a memory. She bumps his shoulder with her own and even though her eyes are bloodshot from the sickness, they are filled with compassion.  
„Tell me about it,“ she mumbles and he does.  
„The farther out we go, the more I find myself wondering what it is we are trying to accomplish. If the universe is truly endless, are we not striving for something forever out of reach?“  
She looks at him.  
„I don’t know,“ she tells him, „I don’t know what you are trying to accomplish. You have to find that for yourself. I just want to find my father.“  
„And what will you do when you’ve found him?“ He asks and she sends him a look he does not understand.  
She switches the topic after that, asks him for his plans and smiles when he tells her he has applied for Vice Admiral.  
„Just promise we will stay friends.“

She had been sick, he remembered. Out with a bad cold, forbidden to work and they had snuck out to the sparing room for nothing more than a chat.  
Time does him the favor of skipping the fight with Krall, even letting him relive the moment of surprise and happiness when he steps into the Bar and the whole crew awaits him.  
Then he’s moving faster as if someone fast-forwards his memories until someone steps to the side and he looks directly into Ark'a'lis tired eyes.  
„You’re alive,“ he says and she laughs into his face.  
„You’re surprised,“ she mocks him and they hug awkwardly with their glasses in the air.  
„I’m staying Captain of the Enterprise,“ he tells her and she smiles.  
„I’m glad. And I’m glad that you were able to forget about me and do what had to be done.“  
„I did not forget about you,“ he protests and she snickers.  
„Yes, you did. And that’s okay. Don’t want you flying the Enterprise into a Volcano for me. It’s enough that you did that for Commander Spock.“  
„How do you even know about that?“ He asks, „We didn’t know each other back then.“  
„I have my resources,“ she tells him and when she falls quiet he realizes how close they are. If he’d lean just a little bit forward, he could kiss her and…  
„Don’t,“ she mutters and moves away from him, „This is a party, remember?“  
And time pushes him forward again.

He wants back his apathy. Because Krall had been a Nightmare but compared to the planet of Quasar it had almost been easy.  
Krall had wanted a war. He had killed to get energy and he had killed to test his weapon but he had spared Uhura and many others just because they weren’t important.  
Muz-Baal Quasar, however, killed for the fun of it. And only the coincidence of having Ark'a'li on board the ship had saved all their lives because a Quasar is unable to kill another Quasar.  
It didn’t stop him from trying though.  
Time stops when the Quasar ship sends them four Androids. They are packed with weapons, emitting a radio signal that gives Jim the worst headache he has ever experienced, the feeling of his head being sliced in half. They kill the Ensign that’s sitting in front of the Controls and head out into the ship, searching for something that turns out to be Ark'a'li and disaster.  
Time slows down, let’s him stagger through the hallways, phaser drawn, head filled with pain. He hears Ark'a'li before he sees her, gnarling like a bloodthirsty animal.  
He has to watch her rip the Androids apart again, use their weapons against each other, the radio signal turning her into a beast that strives to kill.  
She turns towards him, teeth bared, her eyes pure black.  
He is afraid of her because for the first time he is sure that she can and will kill him, not realizing who he is until it’s too late.  
And time sweeps him away again, not with the hands of a giant but with a gush of wind, hot and blistering, that does not ease his nausea or the cold sweat.  
The Re'mo'ar, the Quasar tradition of challenging the one, who did you wrong, to a fight.  
On one side, Ark'a'li, trembling with anger and hate for the man who has killed her mother, took her memory and sent her away to die. On the other side, Muz'Baal, King of Quasar and Ark'a'lis grandfather, cold and cruel, just waiting for one slip up from their side, one mistake that will allow him to kill the crew of the Enterprise one by one.  
Jim has to sit on the side, is not allowed to do or say something. Images of this fight still haunt him.  
Ark'a'li has the right to strike first. She uses her right hand, her nails claw into the king’s cheek and rip out parts of his skin. He is fast to react.  
At first, she’s able to block but it’s her first time fighting one of her own, while he has done it all his life and he grabs her head and smashes her face against the stone floor.  
The next minutes are pure agony and gore. Seeing the fight in his memories is worse than experiencing it in real life. He sees more, hears more, smells more. He wants to throw up but can’t, almost chokes on his vomit.  
His mind races him through the next hours, through desperate plans and near death-situations, only stops from time to time to present him the most gruesome pictures his brain has stored for times like this. How Ark'a'lis nose looked after the fight – or rather what had been left of it. How she had stumbled off the Transporter Plate and into his arms every time she came back onto the ship to disable Muz'Baal from destroying it and how she pushed herself up and away from him to go back again.  
Qui'raz'nuk in the dungeons, the dungeons itself and finally the moment he had to execute Muz'Baal. Cold eyes looking up at him, waiting for yet another mistake and the chance to kill him.  
Ark'a'li growling in the background, but unable to get her revenge herself.  
And his mind still does not show mercy. It does not allow him to remember lying in a Bio-Bed next to Ark'a'li, her stretching out her hand and taking his, asking him quietly if he still wants to go out with her.  
No. Instead he finally realizes with a clarity what that look months ago had meant, when they had talked about their purpose.  
Ark'a'li had always been on her way to find her past. The future did not matter to her as long as she could find out where she came from and if she had to die to do so, she did not care.  
Befriending him had not been part of the plan because you can’t die easily when friends hold you back.  
She had not wanted to be with him because she had had no other reason for living on.  
Did that mean, that when she fell… did she welcome death?  
Or fight it?

Jim jerks awake, his eyes wide open.  
It’s dark around him and he’s gasping for air. It smells like vomit, blood and alcohol, his back and his head and his leg hurt and there is someone standing above him.  
„Ark'a'li?“ He asks, his voice weak and raw.  
His eyes get slowly used to the darkness and he can see her now, her face empty of emotion, her eyes those black holes that now strike him with fear.  
„Why did you leave me behind?“ She asks with a voice as hollow as her eyes, „Why Jim?“  
„I did not…!“ He yelps and tries to sit up, but a sharp pain in his left leg stops him.  
„Jim!“ She calls out to him, „Why Jim? Jim! Jim!“  
She cries his name out, again and again, her voice filled with panic now, louder and louder. He starts to shake violently and something bright is piercing his eyes and goes right through his head like a thousand blistering needles.  
„Jim!“ A completely different voice calls out to him, „Jim, wake up!“  
He groans and whimpers in pain and a female voice mutters „Light to twenty percent.“  
The bright light dims down to something he can endure and he slowly opens one eye to look at a woman he does not recognize.  
Her skin is dark and her hair is in a thick black braid. Small dark eyes are looking worried down at him and she’s calling his name as if she knows him.  
„Jim, what happened?“  
„She was here,“ he mumbles, „She was here and she asked me why I left her behind and I… I…“  
„Shhh…“ The woman hushes softly, cradling his head in her arms, „Everything’s going to be okay.“  
Something pricks his neck and Calmness washes over him.  
„Did you… s’d'te me?“ He mumbles, stumbling over the words.  
„Sedate? Yes. Because you almost choked on your own vomit or bled out because you fell onto a broken glass.“  
„Th’t’s shid,“ he mumbles, his lips not following his orders.  
She raises the brightness in the room a bit, something he only realizes when he’s able to see the mess around him.  
He can see the vomit he had only been able to smell before, stains of various colors and liquids from the drinks cover the floor, the clothes lying around and the bed and there’s a puddle of blood on the floor from where he cut his leg.  
„Who?“ He asks, unable to form the rest of the sentence.  
The woman looks up from where she had been treating the cut with a dermo-regenerator.  
„I am Lieutenant Singh.“  
„Lucy,“ he realizes and she gives him a sad smile.

„Get up,“ she tells him when his leg is fixed, „You need to shower.“  
„I don’t shower with other women,“ he tells her and she snorts.  
„I won’t shower with you, don’t worry.“  
When she clears the sonic shower from what he has left in it the night before, he has to lean against the wall, unable to look anywhere but the mirror in front of him  
He looks like Frank, his stepfather when he had drunk too much.  
His eyes are bloodshot, there’s vomit on his shirt and he’s so disgusted with himself that he can feel it even through the fog the sedative has put into his brain.  
He feels slightly cleaner after the shower but not less sober.  
Lucy helps him out of the bathroom and keeps him upright in the doorway.  
„Look at this mess,“ she tells him with a calm but firm voice, „Look what you’re doing to yourself. You and I, we can only heal if we move forward if we learn from our mistakes.“  
He wants to say something at that, something important that has left his mind the second it has entered it.  
„I need to barf,“ he says instead and she leads him back into the bathroom.

She stays with him, cleans the room, forces him to drink water and eat something healthy.  
She nurses him back to health and calls Bones and Spock for him, telling them what he should tell them but is unable to.  
„Thank you,“ he mutters when she has put the communicator down, „For not letting Bones see me like this.“  
„He would have understood,“ she reminds him.  
„Maybe. But I can’t have him pitying me.“


	13. Chapter 13

„Tell me again,“ Bones orders. He’s standing rigidly next to his desk, looking out over the rather quiet med-bay.  
„The burial will be tomorrow. I’ll come by to fetch the medicine he will need to be fit enough to attend but there is no way we can pull this through this evening,“ Lucy’s voice chirps through the communicator.  
„I’ll bring them to you. I’m the CMO.“ And his best friend, he thinks but doesn’t say it out loud.  
„I know you are, but he doesn’t want you around. You know him too well.“  
He growls and she talks on.  
„Have you never been in a state that made you feel ashamed of yourself? We all go through times like these, don’t we, Leonard?“  
Bones can only hear her faint accent when she says his name like that and he stops and remembers.  
When his dad died… When he got divorced…  
„I met Jim when we were both at our worst,“ he says, „I threw up on him. He had his own blood on his shirt.“  
„He’s going through hell,“ she reminds him, „He doesn’t want to drag you in there.“  
„But he can do it with you?“  
She laughs humorless. „I’m quite familiar with the place, don’t worry about me… I gotta go back inside, see you later.“  
„Later…“ he hums, not sure if she even heard him.  
He puts the Communicator down and looks at the paperwork that is waiting for him.  
Never has he been a friend of that, but today it seems almost impossible for him.  
Still, it has to be done. He sits down and pulls a PAD towards him, trying to concentrate on the words in front of him.  
He’s so tired, exhaustion pulls at his legs and hands, dragging him down. There’s a cup of coffee on his desk and he takes a sip. It’s cold and bitter already but he takes another sip.  
There’s the sound of footsteps and he looks up.  
Ark'a'li stands in the door, her long hair open and falling in long sandy blonde waves over her shoulders.  
His ex-wife used to wear her hair like that.  
Even her expression mirrors that he has seen on the face of the woman he used to love. Ark'a'li looks as determined as Jocelyn did on the day she told him she wanted a divorce.  
„We need to talk,“ Ark'a'li says and steps forward, taking a seat on the other side of his desk.  
„What about?“ He asks and looks back down on his PAD but the display is black and won’t come back to life. Shit.  
„Jim. And me. Us, I think.“  
„What makes you think I’m the right person for that.“  
„Because you’re the one who always talks about us anyway.“  
He smiles. „Spill, kid.“  
„I think I was pregnant. But the child died.“  
Bones jerks forward, eyes wide open.  
„What?“ He asks. „What?!“  
She smiles a bitter smile, tears in her eyes.  
„I was so scared,“ she whispers, „I didn’t know what to do. Or who to talk to.“  
„You should have come to me!“ He yells and there are darkness and desperation clawing their way into his heart, „I am your friend!“  
„You are Jim’s friend! You didn’t even believe that moving in with him could work, how could a Baby have worked out?“  
„But that doesn’t mean you can kill it! Ark'a'li! I want the best for you too!“  
She cries now and he walks around the table, terrified, but determined. He needs to make this right.  
He pulls her up and into his arms and she presses her face into his shoulder, shaking uncontrollably.  
„I am so sorry,“ he tells her, „I am so sorry, you felt like you didn’t have a chance. You can always come to me to talk to. Always.“  
„No, I can’t,“ she chokes, „I can’t. I died, Bones. I died on that planet and the child died with me because you let me go down there.“  
He freezes, her arms still around him, his arms around her.  
Slowly he turns his head to look at her, but she’s already withering away. Her skin decays right in front of him, she dries out with every passing second until there are only her inhuman black eyes looking accusingly back at him until her body has dried out and when he shakily exhales, she crumbles to dust.

„Dr. McCoy?“  
He jerks awake, looking in terror at the girl standing in the doorway of his office. Nurse Powter, he realizes and calms down slightly.  
„Yes?“  
„It’s almost time for the relief. Do you need anything?“  
„No, thank you, I’m fine,“ he mumbles instantly, without meaning it. This dream will most likely haunt him forever.  
„Are you… sure?“ She dares to ask, risking his anger.  
He looks at her, closer this time. She’s not one for the nurses that tried to flirt to with him, but he remembers her being extra friendly when they took in some refugees earlier on in their five-year mission. She had treated them with more compassion than most of the other nurses.  
„Not quite, but it will do,“ he tells her and she smiles.  
„I can bring you a coffee,“ she offers and he’s close to telling her off, but holds himself back and nods.  
„That would be nice, thank you.“

„You were close to her, right?“ Nurse Powter asks when she puts the coffee down in front of him.  
She smiles softly at him. „I’ve lost good friends too, I think I… am familiar with that sort of pain.“  
He nods faintly, but she does not leave.  
„I’ve seen her around a few times. When she or the Captain had to stay in med-bay. Usually, the other one always showed up with a bottle of something. It was a tradition, right?“  
„Romulan Ale,“ he tells her, even though it’s unnecessary information. But it feels good to talk about her with someone who doesn’t know how guilty he really is.  
She sighs. „Tragic to think that she was pregnant,“ she mumbles and he shoots out of his chair.  
„What?!“ He yells and she flinches.  
„You didn’t know?“ Powter asks, voice filled with anxiety.  
„I did know! How do you know, is the question!“  
„I thought it was common knowledge!“ Powter defends herself, „P'traya told me!“  
„Do not tell anyone about this! Don’t you have a brain? Use it! That pregnancy is a secret and it should be kept as one!“ Powter nods hastily and almost flees his office.  
Bones on the other hand now has to deal with the aftermath of that slip-up. He should have known that it would not stay a secret. Nurses are bound to chatter, especially on a star ship and P'traya is the worst of them. He won’t be able to stop the secret from getting out, he can only stop Jim from hearing it.  
But he will need help.  
With a heavy sigh, he grabs up his communicator.  
Spock picks up the call immediately. Typical Vulcan.  
-  
Bones and Lucy had immediately decided that it had to be a traditional burial in space.  
Now the casing of a photon torpedo was propped open and inside Lucy had put the few belongings she and Jim had found in his quarters.  
She had helped him, but he had done the main task himself and when he needed more time with some things she had politely looked away.  
It had not been much, Ark'a'li Guyet was a woman of few belongings and Jim did not want to send the few pictures she owned into space, but send them to her friends and father.

Now, on top of one of her uniform dresses, rests a picture of her from graduation day.  
She’s smiling into the camera, her hair long and wavy and white from the sun.  
Although the picture is only four years old, she looks not a day over twenty, young and lighthearted and ready to see the world and Jim loses himself in that picture for a moment.  
The door opens and he looks up.  
Qui'raz'nuk steps inside, clad in a long purple cloak, that shows off the marked skin on his collarbones, his skin as white as Ark'a'lis hair used to be, his eyes black.  
„James,“ he greets friendly and comes closer, takes both of his hands in his and squeezes them comfortingly, „It is nice to see you even though I would have wished for better circumstances.“  
Jim nods his head in greeting, unable to speak.  
He knows how he looks like. His face is filled with shadows and his eyes are dark, but he’s here, awake and he’s wearing a clean uniform.  
„I have brought a picture as your friend has advised me,“ Qui'raz'nuk says and pulls something out of his cloak to show him, „She looked like this when they took her from me.“  
Ark'a'li is about five years old, a little girl with blonde pigtails, a gap-toothed grin, and the black Quasar eyes.

Jim can’t bear to look at the picture for too long so he looks at the king instead. He looks for emotions in his eyes, finds grief and compassion and paternal love.  
Jim wants to say something, but his brain is empty and his heart heavy. What good do words do anyway, he thinks, when the door opens again and more people fill in.  
Uhura and Spock, Sulu and Chekov carrying a plant, Scotty, Keenser, Bones, and Lucy comes last, looking at the closing door as if she’s waiting for more people to come by.  
„Shall we begin?“ Spock asks and they gather around the opened torpedo casing, a solemn mood washing over them.  
„We are gathered here together to bid farewell to Lieutenant Ark'a'li Guyet, daughter of Anna Guyet and Qui'raz'nuk Quasar, second in the lead of the Quasars and Engineer on the U.S.S. Enterprise. She has been a friend, a loyal subordinate and helpful co-worker,“ Spock ends and the king picks up where the Captain has left of.  
He speaks in the Language of Quasar, his voice deep and hoarse. He’s obviously trying to keep his feelings at bay. Father and daughter had been separated for over 20 years and only six months after finding each other again he has to speak the old words of Quasar funeral rituals for her.  
Jim looks around, letting the foreign words wash over him and fill his head with pictures of Quasar. It is a characterful planet, filled with life, even though the sun shines her light for a mere hour a day. In that one hour, he had been able to see colorful plants and a curious wildlife, rabbit-like creatures the size of elephants that liked to nibble at the top of blueish colored trees and feathery critters the size of cats that run around your feet until you’re dizzy.

„May the Universe be kind to your spirit…“ Qui'raz'nuk ends and takes a step forward to put something into the torpedo casing.  
Lucy sees purple fabric and gold. It must be a formal dress, like the king wears himself.  
He lays down the dress softly, spreading the fabric until the golden collar is fully visible. It’s a dizzying tribal pattern and the way he lets his fingers rest on the gold for a moment, Lucy knows that the pattern means something.  
The king steps back and for a moment no one knows what to do. They all seem to have brought keepsakes, as Lucy had asked them to, but no one really knows how to begin.  
Some look to Jim for help but he’s staring into nothingness. The Doctor’s eyes are downcast as well and Captain Spock is as emphatic as a stone, not catching up the growing uneasiness.  
Lucy does. She remembers her grandmothers funeral that was so different one from those she knew from India. The cold stone in the church, the sermon, the dark colors.  
But even as a six-year-old she had liked the eulogy and the fact that people had stepped forward and told stories of a grandmother she hadn’t really got to know.  
She clears her throat softly at that memory.  
„Where I come from we have the custom of talking about the person’s character and achievements while we tell her goodbye,“ she steps forward and puts a sealed test tube next to the purple dress, „And although I’ve probably known Ark'a'li the shortest amount of time, I do know that she liked to collect Horror Stories.“  
The mood changes; eases up a bit. Sulu sends her a small smile from the other side of the room and steps forward, a cutting of an algave-like plant in his hands.  
„She had extraordinaire ideas, like making Tequila out of Space Plants.“  
„Or getting into fights over the correct pronunciation of St. Petersburg,“ Chekov adds and they place the plant on one of her uniforms.  
„Lieutenant Guyet could find interest in many things,“ Spock remembers calmly, „She often asked me about Vulcan dishes, the dress codes and other likes,“ he hands something to Uhura, who smiles at him, „And if she wasn’t trying to discover Vulcan by his word only, she asked me to teach her another language,“ the woman recalls fondly, „And teaching me the language of Quasar in return,“ She steps forward and puts a small red pouch into the casing.  
„Vulcan spice from the two of us,“ Uhura’s voice sounds as if she’s talking to Ark'a'li herself, „We know how much you liked the taste.“

Jim stares at his communication officer as she steps back. He should not be surprised, he knows how emphatic Uhura is, but he knows that the two women were probably the least closest in their group and she still knows exactly what to bring, what to give. The spice was definitely not Spocks idea.  
Everything is on point so far. The purple dress with the golden cover that’s is a replica of Ark'a'lis tribal chest plate from her father, the algave plant from Sulu and Chekov. He does not know what’s in the test tube Lucy has brought but if he takes into account that she was talking about Ark'a'lis impressive collection of horror stories, it’s probably a freaky virus or something like that.  
And he, the one person who should know Ark'a'li the best, has nothing to give.  
It’s not that he hasn’t thought about it. He’s holding the wooden box her knife collection was in, after all. But it’s just that, an empty box that was used to carry something practical.  
In comparison to all those other gifts, even her hair dryer would be more meaning full than the knife box, because the hair dryer was at least something he bought her on a shore leave after he managed to break her own in something that can only be called an accident.  
Scotty steps forward and Jim pushes his right, empty hand, deep into the pocket of his dress greys, nervously fiddling with the lonely ring of a key chain that broke on the last event he needed his dress greys. The ring easily slips onto his finger and off again, when Scotty and Keenser place a heavy wrench in the casing.  
„She really loved engineering,“ Scotty recalls, „Probably the only thing that could get her attention when she wasn’t out and about. She liked to repair and invent.“  
Keenser sniffles next to him and they both step back into line.  
Bones looks up, sensing that he has to go next. He looks right into Jim’s eyes who feels as if he’s been caught in the act.  
Does anyone else sense that he has no clue what to say? He knows so much about Ark'a'li, but his mind is empty.  
Would it have been easier if they had been together longer? Or married?  
He halts, tenses and lets the word roll around on his tongue. Married.  
Would he have married Ark'a'li, if they had more time together?  
He tries to think of her and remembers his nightmares. No, not this Ark'a'li. Not the one who could kill him if she forgot herself for a moment.  
Jim pushes against the dark images, forces them down and thinks of a memory that comes easily when he looks at the picture in the casing, the picture of her graduation day.  
He thinks of the Ark'a'li he has met over three years ago, that challenged him to an arm wrestling match and asked for a rematch when she’d tricked him into losing.  
Yes, he probably would have married that girl.  
Bones steps back from the casing where now lies a bottle of Romulan Ale, only half filled and even though Jim has not heard a word his friend has said, he knows the Ale is about Ark'a'lis habit to visit him in the med-bay to cheer him up with a drink and vice versa.  
But Jim doesn’t want his thoughts to wander there when he has to make up words and force his legs to move.  
He steps forward and places the ring of the key chain on the soft purple fabric of the ceremonial robe. It looks like a simple silver engagement ring and someone gasps softly behind him at the sight, the sound hitting Jim right in the stomach, wiping away the words he has prepared.  
What sort of fool is he? He’s saying goodbye to the woman he loves, the woman who has truly understood him at times when no one else seemed too and he’s pretending to give her an engagement ring to cover up his empty mind?  
There’s heavy guilt in his stomach and the bitter taste of self-hate on his tongue and he has to hold onto the casing, because his knee won’t carry him for a moment and he sees Ark'a'lis face in front of him, looking at him from the photograph. She smiles up at him and that gives him the strength to stand up straighter because he’s not pretending, he would have asked her, probably with the exact ring he has dropped into the casing right now. And she would have said yes, he knows, but she won’t do that anymore.  
„Jim?“ Someone whispers and for a moment he really thinks it’s her before he can see movement on his side and finds back into reality.  
„I miss you,“ he says the words that tumble from his tongue and he waits for more, but none come.  
Maybe that’s it. Maybe the pain is just too big to be explained and the reality to bitter to be put in words.  
He steps back again and a cold hand grips his elbow, holding him in place.  
Jim looks down at it, sees the purple sleeves and closes his eyes, unable to watch his friends close the casing over what is left of Ark'a'li. Memories and keepsakes, pictures and clothes. She’s not even a body anymore, just words and images and things that serve no use anymore.  
The king’s hand is shaking and it’s shaking Jim too. Or is he shaking on his own accord? He does not know.  
He opens his eyes again when he hears the familiar sound of beaming. The torpedo vanishes in white light and Jim looks at the window beneath it, that shows the darkness of space and the calm and cruel beauty of Tuwek-114, only disturbed by the lights of the reappearing Torpedo.  
They all watch it, a small dark figure in front of the planet, just floating in space, orbiting around the planet at an almost leisurely pace.

This is it, Jim thinks. This is the end of everything.  
Ark'a'li had been no one for the longest part of her short life. Just tolerated, but never wanted, the little kid of alien origin that had been beamed into a Starfleet Ship out of nowhere when she was five.  
They had understood each other because they knew each other. Two nobodies that tried to matter to the world.  
Should he be glad that she didn’t have to see her own funeral? That she didn’t have to see what he saw?  
That even now, after regaining her early childhood memories, finding her place in the great unknown of the Universe and mattering to her friends, Ark'a'lis funeral was that of a nobody.  
Orbiting around the lonely planet that had brought her death.  
Life was cruel but Death was worse.


	14. Chapter 14

Two hours after the funeral the Enterprise leaves the orbit of Tuwek-114.  
Jim’s left the transporter room just minutes ago after beaming back from the ship of the king. He had asked all of them to come and most of them did, albeit they kept to themselves for the most part.  
It was understandable. The Quasar way of mourning was different than the human. They had taken their drinks in front of a life-sized portrait of Ark'a'li from a moment most of them had wanted to forget – when she had claimed victory over her grandfather.  
It was a picture of a bleeding, broken girl, it was gore and darkness in itself and Jim was glad when they dimmed the lights in favor of all the Quasars with their light-sensitive eyes.  
„It is an important moment in our history,“ Qui'raz'nuk explained, reminding Jim again of how human the king could be, „I would have chosen another picture, but it was not my decision but that of the high priests.“  
Jim has to hold onto the wall next to him when he feels the vibrating of the ship beneath him, that tells him they are on the move again.  
He’s drained, physically and emotionally. He hasn’t slept well, or rather not on his own accord and with all the chemicals coursing through his system, he’s surprised that Lieutenant Singh hasn’t hauled his ass to med-bay yet. The good stuff, as he had used to call it, might work against most hangovers, but definitely not against a Straight A alcohol poisoning.  
And accepting the offer of a drink on the Ship of the king hadn’t been beneficial for his health either, but there had been no way to refuse.  
He just wants to go to sleep and wake up with all this gone, wants to wake up out of this very bad dream.  
-  
Unbeknownst to him, hundreds of miles beneath him, a fair skinned body rises to the surface of the pond.  
Two of the tree people grab the body and haul it out of the liquid darkness, put the girl face down on the green forest floor.  
Yoz grabs Ark'a'lis head and pulls it backward, upwards, as far as it will go and black secretion runs out of nose, eyes, and mouth.  
He presses one large hand onto her back, massaging in circles and she coughs up more of the black goo, but does not regain consciousness.  
Yoz puts one hand in the air and Ma-ia kneels down next to him.  
„The wounds on the back are healing nicely,“ she says, „But the leg’s still a mess.“  
„She is fighting the poison,“ Yoz says and looks down at Ark'a'lis leg that has turned a dark shade of purple, „But it is not the leg that makes her stay asleep.“  
He carefully turns Ark'a'lis body to the side and moves long, slender fingers the size of twigs, over her swollen abdomen.  
„Something is inside,“ he says simply and pulls one of the needle sharp twigs from the tree crown on top of his head.  
„She might be pregnant,“ Ma-ia says and looks at the swollen skin, „She’s not entirely human, that might explain how fast it’s growing.“  
Yoz does not respond, only dips the twig into the pond and pushes it deep into Ark'a'lis abdomen, where the swelling is ebbing into her hip bones.  
Ark'a'li starts to groan and whimper and he nods. „It is pain,“ he says, „She needs help.“  
Ma-ia still looks unsure but holds onto the girls’ legs when she starts to move against the pain.  
It takes Yoz longer to finish his work this time, with the body moving beneath him.  
Ma-ia stays next to him, holds her down and when her own strength isn’t enough to keep the girl still, two more of the tree people come for help.  
When the girls body sinks back to the ground of the pound, Ma-ia looks down at it, worry etched into her features.  
„And what if she was pregnant?“ She asks and Yoz looks up.  
„What is this state you talk about?“ He asks, „I do not know it.“  
She sighs. „The way humans reproduce is different to those of your kind, Healer Yoz. We might have done something wrong.“  
„The pond does not make mistakes. It was pain and pain will be eased,“ Yoz says and puts the twig back into his crown.  
He stands up and walks over to the other side of the clearing, where the little trees, children at best, are waiting for their lessons.  
Ma-ia looks up at the small flecks of sky she can see. The sky is a pale green today and that silver speck of light, that had orbited around the planet like a tiny sun, is finally gone. Whatever Starfleet ship brought the girl, it is gone now.  
-  
The Enterprise is back on her way. They have calculated a new course after King Qui'raz'nuk has asked them to stop by on a certain planet. Apparently, a part of the Quasar population had left decades ago to find a new home for them and he had never been able to visit them himself.  
It had been only logical to fulfill his request.  
Helmsman Sulu and Navigator Chekov are both working in front of him, seemingly unaffected by the events of this morning. He will keep an eye on them to make sure their focus does not waver.  
Speaking of keeping an eye on something…  
„Lieutenant Sulu, you have the conn,“ Spock gets up to leave, remembering to tell Nyota that he will be in the Labs for the next hours if she needs him.  
When he steps into the lab of Thlimmones, the Orion science officer is not alone. Two other science officers are standing next to her, staring at her monitor, discussing the data.  
„Captain,“ she greets him, „The blood is unmistakenly that of Lieutenant Guyet. I have sent it to the med-lab for further testing as Dr. McCoy requested.“  
Spocks left eyebrow wanders upwards. The doctor requested testing of Lieutenant Guyets blood? Interesting.  
„You are currently working on the samples, I assume?“  
„Correct. Water and ground are high in minerals, but not of unusual amounts. The tree bark, however, might interest you.“  
„How so?“  
Spock steps closer and Science Officer Fayndem launches into an explanation immediately.  
It is indeed interesting, Spock thinks, while he listens to the Acamarian Science Officer’s deductions.  
The tree bark alone shares enough similarities with the human skin to give indications that those trees on the river bank might have been a sapient life form.  
„If they were,“ Thlimmones brings up, „they would have seen us and see us work with a foreign and futuristic technology.“  
„And that would be against the prime directive,“ Fayndem concludes, both looking up at Spock with worried eyes.  
„Fascinating,“ he says, „But your conclusion lacks one thing. The logical response to being probed would be a fight or flight reaction. The trees did not move at all. But I will give your worries a thought in the Captain’s log.“  
„Thank you,“ Thlimmones stutters and Spock nods and looks over her head towards the other side of the Lab.  
„I assume Lieutenant Stybla has been working on the data from the station?“  
Fayndem confirms and Spock bids them goodbye and walks over to Stybla, who greets him an almost excited smile.  
„I might have found out what killed the crew,“ Stybla announces and shows him the temperature curve measured by the station.  
„We have two weeks of extreme cold, two weeks of extreme summer and one week of neutral temperatures between them, that allow life. The temperature change always happens during one or two days and stays at that extreme points of -150°C or 150°C for about 10 days before it drops or rises again. When they landed the shuttle and built the station around it, it was shortly after the beginning of a neutral week and they could work and plant most of their measure posts that give us this extensive data. We still have logs during the winter when they stayed inside. The heating of the station worked just fine and the predators must have stayed away from the station during the first week. Then, another neutral week after winter and on the seventh day they went out for an expedition, their goal was planting measure posts on the hills around the valley.“  
„The got surprised by the rising temperature,“ Spock concludes.  
„Yes,“ Stybla points at the curve on his monitor, „Neutral temperature is between 10°C and 15°C and it’s rising with about one to two degrees Celsius an hour. By the end of the seventh day the temperature was about 34°C and with the crew being used to warm temperatures from their home countries, they might not have worried about that.“  
„And the next day?“  
„Starting with 36°C in the morning at the farthest measure post they planted. At 1400 in the afternoon it was already about 45°C at that measure post and about 65°C in the valley. They did not make it back to the station and with them being outside, they must have died from the heat. Damage to the station only happened after that summer period, when the station wasn’t inhabited anymore.“  
„Fascinating,“ Spock comments, when his commlink beeps.  
„Spock? Bones here. You should come over for a moment. Bring Sulu and Chekov.“  
„They are currently on duty on the bridge…“  
„This can’t wait,“ Bones interrupts him, „No word to Jim.“  
-  
It doesn’t take long for everyone to come together in the CMO’s office. Bones throws P'traya a last menacing glare before closing the door.  
„Sulu and I probably haven’t been the only ones wondering why Ark'a'li slipped on a measly mountain path,“ Bones starts and takes a break to let the thought settle in.  
Uhura looks surprised but in the Uhura way. Her eyes a bit more alert, her lips tight. She’s worked with Kirk long enough to be ready for everything.  
Scotty’s eyes, however, grow big and he looks towards Keenser first, but the Roylan shrugs, showing that he had no clue of anything of this sort either.  
Chekov opens his mouth to say something, but Spock beats the boy to it.  
„I assume it has something to do with the blood tests you’ve requested, Doctor?“ He asks and Bones nods sharply.  
„Lieutenant Singh has told me that Ark'a'li has been feeling dizzy, nauseous and exhausted the week before her death. She fell asleep during monitoring duty at least once and came into med-bay, where a nurse prescribed her vitamins, assuming that Ark'a'li was pregnant.“  
He pauses again, wishing he wouldn’t have to see the horror in the faces of his friends and colleagues, the same horror he felt when he had heard of it himself.  
„Nurse P'traya failed to inform me about that assumption, as well as Ark'a'li,“ he pauses, thinks about defending the dead girl, but doesn’t. They all know how she was, after all. „It was Lieutenant Singh who told me and Sulu. We agreed to keep it a secret, especially from Jim, but I had to find out that P'traya has been talking and by now half the ship probably knows about it.“  
Silence. No one talks for a moment.  
Finally, Spock opens his mouth.  
„The blood, doctor? You tested it?“  
Bones bares his teeth in annoyance. „Yes, I did,“ he growls, „Her HcG-levels are at about 15 mlU/ml, which is enough to say that she might be pregnant if she was fully human. But a Quasar has higher levels of hormones, starting with their normal adrenaline level. To be completely sure I would need a fresh sample of blood that wasn’t taken on the same day…“ He doesn’t finish the sentence because he doesn’t need to.  
„Alas, we can’t be completely sure that she was pregnant?“ Spock asks, „If she has been experiencing dizziness as a symptom of pregnancy and if dizziness was the cause of her fall and ultimately her death?“  
„Get to the point, Spock!“ Bones roars and the acting Captain takes a deliberate step forward.  
„There are no facts, only assumptions. Why are we discussing assumptions?‘“  
„Because Nurses are chatterboxes,“ Lieutenant Singh looks at him, her serious voice emphasized by the look in her dark brown eyes, „You would be surprised about all the assumptions that are currently being discussed about you… And rumors are dangerous. An assumption grows into a fact merely by chatting about it. The implications of Ark'a'lis death grows just because she might have been pregnant because it might have been two lives lost instead of one.“  
Spock opens his mouth to interrupt her, to stop her voice from growing louder and stronger, but she isn’t finished yet.  
„And if you can’t imagine the effect on the crew, just imagine the effect it would have on Kirk if he knew that there might be a chance he hasn’t just lost his significant other but also his unborn child.“  
Silence.  
Spock stares at Lieutenant Singh and she stares back, not moving an inch, not blinking.  
He turns softly, looking at the others.  
Lieutenant Scott looks like he is in some kind of shock, as well as Ensign Chekov. Helmsman Sulu is staring down at the floor and Nyota has stretched out her arm, her hand, to hold onto his. He’s not sure if she needs support or wants to stop him from something.  
Doctor McCoy growls.  
„Now that everyone knows, we need to make sure that Jim won’t find out. Which means we have to talk to everyone who could probably hear the rumors and make sure he or she won’t let anything slip.“  
„That will take weeks,“ Spock arguments.  
„Make an announcement,“ Singh offers, „Everyone will hear and if there will be charges for failing no one will disobey. We just have to make sure that Kirk will be asleep and unable to hear it.“  
„I can sedate him,“ the doctor offers, „God knows the kid needs some sleep. But you have to delete the announcement after you’ve made it or he might be able to stumble over it.“  
„I can do that,“ Chekov speaks for the first time after entering the CMO’s office, „I can also arrange that the announcement won’t be heard in the Captain’s Quarters.“  
The group shares a look that speaks more than words could ever do before they go their separate ways.  
„Lucy,“ the doctor calls her back, „I might need your help.“  
-  
Jim’s sleeping when they enter his room with the medical staff override code. They’ve tried knocking and calling him first, but he’s so out of it, he doesn’t even budge when the door hisses open and the lights go on.  
„Dammit Jim,“ Bones mumbles, taking the chance and using his tricorder first, „Can’t you just mourn like a normal person? I’m your best friend, not a damn shrink, you can come and talk to me.“  
Lucy moves softly next to him, reminding him of his presence.  
„I know he can’t hear me,“ he defends himself, „I just enjoy talking to myself.“  
„Nothing bad about that,“ she murmurs softly and steps forward to pull the blanket over Kirk’s uncovered legs that are still of a light purple color.  
She leaves her hand on the blanket, right above Kirk’s left knee and turns slowly towards him.  
„You know,“ she mumbles, watching him work on the tricoder, „It’s perfectly normal for him to cut himself off from you. You know him too well and he doesn’t want you to see how deep in the darkness he really is.“  
„I know that,“ Bones says, „But that doesn’t make it easier. It’s what I hate most about him… You know he’s hurting, you can see it, if you look closely, but he’s never going to talk about it. It has always been like that, you have to guess what he’s thinking about.“  
He stops and puts the tricorder away, pulling out a hypo spray and weighing it in his hand.  
„Want me to give it to him? You can put the blame on me if he ever finds out,“ Lucy overs and he hands it to her.  
„I was just thinking… if we really need it. He’s asleep already and he won’t be able to hear the announcement in this room anyway…“  
„But?“ Lucy asks.  
„But if I’m right, he must have been sleeping like hell the last days. Jim tends to have vivid dreams. We could give him one good sleep with that hypo, but he could get addicted to it.“  
„Not if he does not know what caused the good dreams,“ Lucy argues and gives Kirk the Hypo.  
He flinches in his sleep, but the medication is strong and works fast, he doesn’t even open his eyes.  
They both look down at the sleeping man until Lucy stands up straighter.  
„Dr. McCoy-“  
„Len,“ he interrupts me, „Or call me Bones, if you must, but spare me the titles.“  
„Len,“ she tries the name and shakes her head, opting for a simple „Leonard“ instead, „I will report to med-bay for you. You can stay here with him.“  
Bones looks up at her, surprised that she read him so well.  
She smiles softly. „I will let you know if there’s something you can do to return the favor…“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?


	15. Chapter 15

„How are you feeling?“ Uhura asks softly when Spock has left the Bridge for a moment.  
Sulu looks up at her with something like disbelief.  
„What do you think?“ He asks, „I was responsible for her.“  
„Don’t blame yourself-“, she starts but he raises his hand to stop her.  
„I don’t blame myself,“ he corrects her, „I’m just stating a fact. I was responsible for her. She’s dead for what, two days, now, and it feels like nothing happened at all. Put Jim back in the Captain’s seat and Bridge will be like it used to be.“  
„It won’t,“ Chekov argues, turning his seat around, „When someone dies, everything changes.“  
Sulu breathes in and out. Uhura is ready to say something, to step in between what feels like a fight.  
But Sulu just shakes his head and rubs his hands over his face.  
„Sorry,“ he mumbles, „I’m just a bit lost. I can’t help to remember her, everything we did together and realize that she never talked more about herself than she needed to. And I didn’t even notice that I didn’t know more about her than necessary… If I had… if she had been more open about herself, she would still be here.“  
„I am seeing her too,“ Chekov confesses, „and it’s always situations that seem perfectly normal until she just leaves and no one notices. I don’t notice. One moment we sit next to each other and talk and laugh and the next she just vanishes and I’m still laughing and talking as if I don’t even care about her. It’s unnerving.“  
Uhura opens her mouth to say something, but she closes it again.  
„You see her too?“ Chekov asks and there’s so much hope in his voice, that Uhura doesn’t want to be honest for a moment.  
„Well,“ she starts, unsure how to go on, when the door of the Turbolift opens and Spock steps out, saving her from an answer.  
Because she doesn't… she doesn’t see her, she isn’t haunted by memories. It’s simple, actually. She doesn’t have that many memories of Ark'a'li, at least not special ones. She’s good friends with Kirk, just as Spock is, but that doesn’t automatically guarantee a deep friendship with whomever Jim spends his time with.  
Nyota works on her station, trying to focus, but it’s exceptionally hard today.  
„Hey…“, a soft voice startles her and she looks up.  
Ark'a'li is standing in front of her, her smile clearly nervous.  
This is not a memory, Nyota thinks and tries to turn her head, tries to find Spock or Sulu or even Chekov to make her mind work again, but her head won’t turn and there’s only Ark'a'li in front of her, only the nervous smile and her hands fiddling with the sleeves of her uniform she can see.  
„Hey,“ Nyota says back without meaning to, „What can I do for you?“ Her mouth forms the words without her mind allowing it and her field of vision expands, allowing her to see what is around them. She’s in the mess hall now? How did that happen? What’s going on?  
„Can we talk? Can I… ask… something?“  
„Sure, what is it?“  
„Well, you’re a woman and you know Jim longer than any of us and you’re in a relationship,“ Ark'a'li starts awkwardly and when her hands travel down, brushing softly over her abdomen, Nyota realizes that no, this isn’t a memory, this is how it could have been, should have been.  
„Nyota?“ Spock’s voice is loud and almost disturbing, shattering the picture of Ark'a'li in front of her as if it was just a projection on glass.  
„Yes?“ She squeaks, ashamed of how afraid her voice sounds.  
„You were spacing out?“  
„I am sorry, Captain,“ she apologizes, „It must have been a reaction to the drinks on the Quasar ship,“ she lies and he looks at her, worry in his eyes.  
„Do you need to be relieved?“  
„No,“ she insists, „I am fine. I am sorry for the inconvenience.“  
He nods and turns back towards the big screen. Her eyes follow his movement and she catches Sulu and Chekov both looking at her questioningly. She simply nods and feels a tiny bit better when a smile appears on Chekov’s lips.  
She knows what he’s thinking because she’s thinking the same.  
At least I’m not alone with this.  
-  
Cold.  
Jim shivers and opens his eyes slowly. His body feels heavy and slow as if he had been paralyzed. There is only white and gray and shades of light blue above him.  
Delta Vega, he thinks and tries to move his arms, tries to push open the Pod he’s in, but he can’t move and he knows he’s probably going to freeze to death.  
But then he’s warm again, cozy actually, something soft on his legs and warm breath on his face.  
Is he falling down towards Vulcan again? He tries to open his eyes, but he can only see darkness and he’s too calm, too tired, too exhausted.  
Maybe it’s not Vulcan. Maybe he’s dying again and the warmth is from the radiation core? But he doesn’t hurt at all, it doesn’t make sense.  
His lips are dry but his tongue is nothing more than a heavy weight inside his mouth and his ear are stuffed with cotton.  
„Want me to give it to him? You can put the blame on me if he ever finds out,“ a female voice says. Is it his mother? She sounds motherly, but why would his mother be here, wherever here is?  
„I was just thinking… if we really need it. He’s asleep already and he won’t be able to hear the announcement in this room anyway…“  
That’s a male voice answering and it sounds familiar, comforting actually, even though the words go over his head, the meaning of them lost before he can even process what the man has said.  
He tries to remember his friends, tries to think of faces and names and voices but there’s just a vague feeling and emptiness inside his head.  
The voices talk above him and he stares into the darkness, trying to see them, trying to find out where they are and who they are. If there only was some light.  
A sharp pain in his neck, his body flinches and his mind is tumbling around inside of it.  
There’s buzzing in his ears and weights on his eyes, his lips hurt, his mouth is dry and itchy.  
„Shhh,“ someone says, a female voice that he knows so well that he’s leaning towards her involuntarily.  
His body is burning while he moves, he’s on fire, but he doesn’t care, because cold hands push him back down, cold hands move over his burning skin, cooling him down.  
„Is this heaven?“ He mumbles when wetness touches his lips and the first drops of delicious sweet water run over his tongue.  
He falls back into darkness like he’s falling asleep and when he comes back up black has turned into gray.  
„Jim?“ The voice is still female, but different this time.  
He manages to open one eye and sees blonde hair, fair skin, and a worried smile.  
„Ca-“ he coughs and there’s a glass pressed against his lips, water on his tongue, soothing his throat.  
„Carol,“ he manages to say, „What are you doing here?“  
„Caring about you, silly,“ she says, „You’ve got a really bad lung infection on that away mission.“  
He’s trying to remember but his mind is empty and his thoughts run off into nothing. Instead, he sticks to what he knows, what Carol’s just told him.  
There has been an away mission he was on. A mission means a team and even if he can’t remember who was on it, he needs to know if they are fine.  
„The… Team?“ He rasps and coughs and empties the glass of water she hands him before answering. He feels better instantly as if the water washed away whatever is gluing his thoughts together to a sticky, incoherent mass.  
„Spock’s fine, obviously. One of the security officers got it even worse than you, but he’s already on his way to recovery. All three science officers needed medication but were otherwise fine and the Engineering Lieutenant needed an IV because she lost a lot of fluids, just like you, because of high fever.“  
His mind supplies him with a picture of said Engineering Lieutenant. Blond locks, muddy brown eyes, cold hands. His mind is missing her name but he knows there are more important things than that.  
„Were you worried about me?“ He asks, his voice light even though it still sounds a bit too rough around the edges.  
„Yes,“ she admits easily, bringing her hand back, softly touching his still too hot forehead.  
He closes his eyes again, feels safe in a way he hasn’t been able to feel often. It’s prickly, right under his skin, as if it’s not supposed to be like that for long.  
And he slips back into sleep, back into darkness, his hand stretched out towards whoever will take it and he can hear Carol whisper things to him that she will never be able to keep. Because life will never let you keep half the promises you make.  
And while she’s whispering and while he listens, her voice changes, from that soft high note he remembers to a much deeper drawl.  
„Sam?“ He asks and feels like a kid again, 8-years-old and down with strep. His mother off the planet, his stepfather busy somewhere else and no one by his side but his big brother.  
A warm hand pats his head slowly, he tries to open his eyes. He wants to see Sam, wants his eyes to take in everything, the slope of his nose that is just the same as mom’s and that twinkle in his eyes that you get from being a Kirk. He wants to look at his brother and feel small again, wants to get the safety of being the little one, of having someone to look up to.  
Just let me have a family for a moment, he thinks and fights against the darkness weighing down on his eyes.  
„Sleep, kid,“ the voice tells him again, fingers brushing through his hair, „I’m here.“  
It’s a southern drawl, this voice, it sounds like the silence of a hot summer day in Texas.  
Jim can feel the sun on his skin, can smell the dirt on the street beneath his feet and he smiles and stops fighting the sleep.  
He’s safe.  
-  
„Sam?“ Jim asks, his voice unguarded and vulnerable, making him sound so much younger.  
Leonard stops mumbling into his communicator and leans forward, softly patting the mess of sandy blonde hair.  
But this time it’s not enough to put the boy back to sleep. Instead, he’s fighting against it, trying to open his eyes.  
Leonard mumbles a „Gonna call you later…“ into the Communicator, ending the call and brushes through Jim’s hair like he used to do with his daughter.  
„Sleep, kid,“ he mumbles, „I’m here. Not going anywhere.“  
For a moment Jim does nothing, just lies there, completely still. But then something seems to click within him and he sinks back into the cushions, back into sleep.  
Leonard copies his movements, leaning back into the seat…  
Not for the first time today he notices how tired he is himself. Dinnertime is already over and he has done nothing but sit by Jim’s bed all day, working on his PADD to justify not moving.  
All he wants to do is curl up in his bed and be able to believe that Jim will be fine.  
His communicator beeps again. Leonard opens it without looking, just mumbling a tired „Doctor McCoy?“ as a greeting.  
Three seconds later he’s out of the chair.  
„What do you mean he’s not reacting to the antidote?!“  
It takes him less than a minute to realize med-bay is relying on him, on the fact that Jim always being around meant him being around all the time too.  
Such habits are hard to break and Leonard sighs and says he’s on his way, stepping to the bed again, looking at Jim, who’s probably going to be out for the rest of the night anyway.  
He still writes him a note. Hopes that he will follow his request and leaves with a last look back.  
-  
Gamma shift has turned into a drag.  
Lucy shifts in her chair, staring at the monitor, actually hoping for something to happen.  
This isn’t her. This isn’t how she works.  
After years and years of stress in med-bay, she had signed herself up for monitoring duty as soon as she was allowed to have a say in that matter. And it had felt so good, so welcoming even after the terror of Chris’ death, heck, it had actually felt good to be alone with her thoughts, to remember him in silence. She could cry, if she wanted too, not that she ever did, but there was no one there to stop her.  
But now she felt restless.  
„Did I make a mistake?“ Lucy wondered out loud, staring at the data on her monitor as if it could answer her question.  
„I promised myself to never interfere with someone else’s life ever again, but was that right?“  
Her voice is down to a whisper and she listens for an answer, before berating herself. She’s talking to herself after all.  
She sighs and looks up. Just a few steps ahead is another cubicle. Just a few days ago she had seen Ark'a'li in there, nodding off right in the middle of Gamma Shift. And not so long ago she had set in that same cubicle, sipping a sickening mixture of scotch and tea to stomach the dreadful feeling of losing a friend.  
Now there’s someone else sitting in there, someone she doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know, at least not tonight.  
She turns back towards her monitor and thinks of Ark'a'li again.  
„Who were you?“ She whispers to herself, remembering a conversation she once had.  
„What are you afraid of?“ Dr. Puri smiles at her, keeps his hands busy with making tea while waiting for her answer.  
„Afraid?“ Lucy asks, her voice shaking a bit from how nervous she is. This is her chance to leave earth, to grow and do something she’s never dared to do before and the one thing her new CMO wants to know is what she’s afraid of?  
She thinks of being honest and telling him, that it’s space, the unknown, the emptiness around her that will kill her if she lets it.  
Or should she lie? Should she go for something trivial, like the giant spiders that she used to find in her room in India or something poetic like a fall from the stormy cliffs they once visited in Scotland?  
„I… I once heard that when a person dies, a whole library gets burned down…“ She stops, unsure of that thought that had just stumbled off her tongue but Dr. Puri smiles and urges her to go on.  
„And I… I’m afraid of that, of forgetting those I know. Of them forgetting me, I think. When… when my grandmother died, I barely knew her, but her friends all gathered together in the church and told stories about her and I felt like I actually knew her but she never knew me. And all those friends of her are dead now and only those who were in that church that day remember what they told us. And one day none of us will live anymore and my grandmother will be forgotten. And I’m afraid of that. Of being forgotten.“  
She stops and takes a sip of her tea to hide her embarrassment and burns her tongue in the process.  
„Those are very wise words,“ Dr. Puri says, „Now please don’t ask me about my fears because I will have to say that I’m afraid of spiders and compared to you it will make me feel like a coward…“  
She thinks of Puri, her favorite CMO so far, who is now long dead.  
What would he do? What would he tell her to do?  
Lucy sighs and straightens her back, looking over towards where Ark'a'li used to sit.  
„You won’t be forgotten,“ she says, not knowing whom she is addressing. It doesn’t matter.  
She has a plan now.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

Jim’s head hurts when he’s finally awake enough to stop himself from dozing off again. He feels groggy and there’s a strange taste lingering on his mouth, reminding him of those Hypos nurses use to sedate you. He looks around the room, deciding that he needs a strong coffee before trying to think about anything.  
It takes him two cups to clear his mind enough to realize there’s a note taped to his desk.  
His heart flutters for a brief moment before the truth hits him like the fist of an angry Klingon. It’s not from Ark'a'li.  
It’s from Bones.  
„Call me when you’re up.“  
As if, he thinks, finding strength in this small burst of a sour mood.  
He takes a shower instead and pushes cold water into his face afterward.  
Jim needs a drink.  
And it’s not like it’s too early for it, he thinks, it’s the middle of the night already, after all.  
He thinks of his deep, almost dreamless sleep and the fact that this might be the first time no one needs him anywhere on this ship anytime soon. He thinks of the taste of his favorite scotch, the burning sensation of Romulan Ale and how Saurian Brandy makes your thoughts seem blurry and softer around the edges.  
He’s standing in the middle of his room, trying to choose between replicated drinks or a good old glass of scotch when the rest of his mind manages to catch up with him.  
Jim remembers, how just a night ago, he looked at himself in the mirror and saw Frank. He thinks of the pain in his leg where he had cut himself and his mind brings up the smell of vomit and spilled drinks.  
Great, he thinks, just great. I can’t even drink anymore.  
He dresses to keep himself busy, takes more time than necessary to tame his hair and walks out of his quarters because his eyes can’t stop darting towards the replicator.  
Jim walks through the hallways as if he has somewhere to be, turning left or right whenever he feels like it.  
His feet lead him right towards the room they used to train in.  
The punch bag still hangs from the ceiling and the door of the left locker still won’t open without force. It looks like nothing has happened here as if time hasn’t moved at all.  
And as comforting this feeling is, it’s terrifying at the same time.  
Because it feels like Ark'a'li is going to walk in the next second, telling him to pull off his gold shirt before he’s going to rip it again, but she doesn’t and she never will again.  
He lets his hands touch everything to keep himself grounded and when he reaches the lockers he’s almost hopeful again.  
This was Ark'a'lis realm, after all, the place she went to when she needed to think.  
He rips open the locker doors and pulls out everything that has been stuffed inside.  
Bandages, weapons, empty packages of sweets and snacks that have already been eaten a long time ago, crumbs and dirt and stuff she might have saved to tinker with it later.  
The only useful things inside is a package of licorice he puts back immediately and a thick white folder. He can’t help to feel hope at the sight of it and also a little bit intrusive.  
But when he’s finally made himself comfortable on the floor and opens the folder with slightly shaky hands, it turns out to be a copy of the prime directive.  
He leafs through it, somewhat convinced that it’s a trick to keep something from nosy eyes because only Spock would read something like this, but with every page he turns, he loses more of his conviction. It is the Prime Directive, page after page. God knows why she kept it in here, God knows why she printed it out.  
But what, he thinks, if she has hidden in it the words? Maybe a prank she planned to pull on Spock, the only one who this would work with.  
He settles once more, determined to read every word with the focus of someone who searches for a mistake, a simple wrong word.  
Before he isn’t convinced that there isn’t any irregularity in it, he will not leave this matter alone.  
-  
Fire in her stomach, pain, pain, pain, right between her pelvic bones… Something biting away at her insides, needles in her back, needles in her front, her leg is on fire, no she can’t feel it anymore.  
Liquid darkness is running down her throat, pushing its way into her eyes and nose and ears as if it’s alive. She can’t breathe and dies and dies over and over again.  
She’s on the floor and wants to push herself up, but her arms are too weak, no, they’re too small. The hands of a five-year-old, the mind of a grown woman, the pain of a whole world pushing her down.  
I want to go home…  
Where is my home? Where do I come from? Why am I here?  
„This is a Starfleet ship, what planet do you come from? Where are your parents?“  
„I don’t know.“  
„What’s your name?“  
“I don’t know,” she squeaks, desperate, because why doesn’t she know?  
„Lieutenant Smirnoff, there’s something around her wrist…“  
„Thank you, Ensign Pike, for pointing it out to me. Would you read it to me, please?“  
„It says Ark'a'li Marianne Guyet, Sir.“  
„Please search that name in the database, Ensign Pike. Ark'a'li, do you know where you come from?“  
She cries and cries and cries, big fat tears that taste salty. She’s longing for something she can’t name, words don’t make sense anymore, her head hurts and everything is wrong.  
A big man pushes something cold and pokey against her neck and she’s so sleepy and alone.  
The world is cold and black again, but the taste of despair lingers on her tongue.  
-  
Lucy’s communicator starts to beep the moment she’s stepping of the engine rooms.  
She pulls it from her belt and flips it open while looking around for Lieutenant Scott at the same time.  
“Singh?”  
“Have you seen Jim?” Dr. McCoy’s’ voice sounds worried and tired at the same time, exhaustion lacing every syllable.  
“No, should I?” She asks back.  
“I had to run back to med-bay for an emergency and wrote him a note to call me when he wakes up, which he didn’t, by the way, and when I looked for him, he wasn’t in his quarters either. The computer says he’s near your current position. Don’t tell me that damn kid run off the moment he woke up.”  
“I’m not telling you then,” Lucy mumbles and turns around, now looking for Jim instead, “I don’t see him, where do I have to go?”  
“Wait where you are, I’m coming.”  
“Sure,” she mumbles, trying to fight off a yawn without success. He ends the conversation without another word.  
It takes him about two minutes to catch up with her and he looks as tired as she feels, teeth clenched together, his mouth that fine line between holding himself together and breaking down.  
He stumbles a bit when he leads the way and she slips her hand under his arm without thinking, just acting on instinct. They take two steps before they pull away, not right looking at each other and not right looking away.  
“Jim,” Lucy reminds herself out loud and Leonard nods sharply, “Right. This way.”  
The lighting is off a little bit, just enough for his tired eyes and tired brain to hurt because he has to squint to see better. The small hallway opens into a room he has never seen before. The floor is covered in black mats, there are lockers and a punch bag hangs from the ceiling.  
“A training room,” Lucy mumbles next to him.  
“Ark'a'lis training room,” he corrects her. He’s been in the main security training room before and in the gym as well. It doesn’t make sense for Ark'a'li to have a training room on her own, but at the same time, it does. Jim would have allowed it without her having to ask as far as he knows the boy. And even though he had turned a blind eye to all the sparring injuries he had to nurse in the past years, he knows they had frequently trained together.  
He’s first to spot the body at the far end of the room, hidden behind a locker.  
“Jim…” The body does not move and there’s cold fear trickling down his spine, quickening his steps.  
When he turns the corner and finds his friend to be well, too engrossed in his reading to look up, relief hits him with a force that almost brings him to his knees.  
Lucy’s hand is under his elbow immediately, holding him up with a certain grip he has used on Jim times and times before, but she’s not quite fast enough to hold onto his composure as well.  
“Dammit Jim, what is wrong with you?!”  
Jim doesn’t even look up, no, he even dares to wave his hand, as if he’s just an annoying insect he wants to shoo away.  
“Jim!” Leonard tries again, more anger in his voice this time.  
“Fuck off, I’m reading.”  
Lucy gasps in shock next to him, her grip loosening around his arm and he shakes her off, stepping forward.  
“The hell is wrong with you? Why have you been ignoring me?”  
That finally gets a rise out of Jim. He looks up, blue eyes darkened from anger.  
“What do you fucking think is wrong with me, huh?”, he snaps back, completely disregarding the second question.  
Lucy’s hand is on his elbow again but he doesn’t need her to hold him back. He’s not angry at Jim. He’s not going to hurt the boy.  
“I just want the truth,” Leonard blurts out, “What did I do wrong?”  
“What?” Jim asks back, putting the book down, “Why do you even think this is about you?”  
“You’ve been ignoring me.”  
Jim looks at him in disbelief.  
“Ark'a'li is dead and the one thing you’re worried about is that I haven’t called you back? What do you want? Talk about my feelings? I feel like shit, thanks for asking. Or are you trying to be a doctor and want to look at the fucking purple dots on my legs again? Just say it, Bones, say what the fuck you want.”  
“I want you to talk to me, Jim. I’m your friend.”  
“What good does talking do, huh? Last time I checked it doesn’t bring the dead back or does it?”  
“Jim,” a soft female voice stops them both in their tracks and Lucy steps forward, one hand still on Leonard’s arm, one hand stretched out towards Jim, “We are your friends. We are in this together.”  
“You don’t even know her,” Jim spits out and, his hands shaking, “You don’t even-”  
“I was her friend too!”, Leonard interrupts him, but here’s that voice at the back of his mind that tells him he wasn’t. Not as good a friend as he thought he was because she didn’t trust him as much as she should have.  
What did I do wrong, he thinks and looks up to Jim, looks to him for help, for answers, for his friend.  
But Jim doesn’t look back.  
And Leonard tries to find something to say, but his mind is empty and his heart heavy. Is he really losing this fight?  
“I know,” Lucy says next to him and he needs a moment to get what she’s referring to, “I’ve known her for a week. That wasn’t nearly enough time to get to know her, but enough for her to be important to me, to call her a friend.”  
Jim visibly softens at that and when Lucy’s hand touches his arm, he doesn’t shake her off.  
“What are you reading?” She asks, in this soft, soft voice that makes the stiffness in your bones melt away.  
“The Prime Directive,” Jim mumbles weakly, “She left it behind, I wanted to know… there must be something hidden in it, I…”  
“Well, how far have you’ve come?”  
“I’m in the middle of suborder 23,” he looks at the folder as if he had forgotten it for a moment, urgency taking over his features, “I need to keep reading.”  
He tries to push them away again, his posture rigid again.  
“I know,” Lucy tells him again, her hand squeezing his arm lightly, “But the lighting isn’t really good here, how about we lead you towards better lighting and you can read on the way?”  
Jim doesn’t argue against it and when she pulls softly, he follows, already engrossed in his reading again.  
They do not talk on their way and Leonard isn’t sure if it’s because they don’t want to disturb Jim or if they don’t know what to say.  
He’s on Jim’s left side and Lucy is on his right and they guide Jim through the hallways as if he’s a sleepwalker.  
When they reach the turbolift, he wants to say something, but Lucy throws him a look and presses the button for med-bay as if she has read his mind.  
Maybe she has.  
-  
„Ma-ia…“ Yoz calls out to her and she turns around, worry coursing through her blood when she hears the concern in his voice. She doesn’t want to think of the last time his voice had sounded like that.  
He’s kneeling next to the pond, the body of the girl lying in front of him.  
The source of his concern is obvious. Her swelling of her abdomen has grown and her leg heals not anywhere near as fast as it should.  
„Is this what you mentioned?“ Yoz asks and points towards the swelling.  
Ma-ia swallows around the lump in her throat. She’s a nurse, but she’s never been in a position like this. No tricorder, no information about the race of the patient. How would she know if the girls pregnant or not?  
„It is affecting the leg,“ Ma-ia mumbles and kneels down, moving her fingers around the swollen skin.  
The girl flinches from her touch and Ma-ia has to decide. If she doesn’t do something now, the girl will die for sure. She should be dead already, considering how long the poison’s already inside her leg.  
„We use foulberries,“ she suggests, „If there’s something in her stomach, something she’s eaten, we can get it out this way. And if it’s not in her stomach… I will do a C-Section. I can use the knifes she carried with her and the bark of the red birches to anesthetize.“  
„A C-Section?“ Yoz asks, eager to learn something new.  
„I cut open the swelling,“ Ma-ia explains, „Deliver the child.“  
Yoz looks at the swelling and then at the leg that’s still a dark purple beneath the black pattern he has already drawn on it.  
„I know,“ Ma-ia says, „It’s either the child or the leg and I really would like to keep both.“  
Macha brings the foulberries and they get to work. Yoz is drawing another pattern on the still sensible new skin on the back right next to them.  
Foulberries deserve their name. The whole clearing smells like the rotten black-greenish fruit and Ma-ia has to fight back the urge to gag when she pours the juice into the girl’s mouth, massaging her throat to help her swallow it.  
Now the only thing they can do is wait.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reply to all comments, but could you maybe tell me if you liked it or not? or what you liked and what not? it's getting kinda lonely here. don't know if I should continue to upload more chapters?

Jim sits on a Bio-Bed, not remembering how he got there and stares down at the folder in his hand.  
He’s tired, his head hurts and defeats runs through his veins like black tinted blood.  
No message, no prank, nothing. Just a copy of the Prime Directive.  
„Hey…“  
He looks to his side.  
Bones sends him a tired smile. When he leans forward, the chair groans under his weight. It’s one of those that seem to be present in every med-bay and every hospital, uncomfortable and unstable at best.  
„Why are you here?“ Jim asks, „You look like you could use some sleep.“  
„I do,“ his friend agrees, „Just like you or Lucy, who’s nice enough that she just left to get us coffee when she could already be in her room and sleep the day away.“  
They fall back to silence until Bones clears his throat. „So… did you find what you were looking for?“  
Jim looks back down at the folder and feels the pain come back.  
„No,“ he admits, „And I was so sure…“ His voice breaks and he clears his throat as well.  
„I’m sorry…“  
„Don’t,“ Jim interrupts him, „Don’t say it. You didn’t do anything and saying sorry won’t make anything better.“  
There’s the bitterness again, but at least he’s talking, they’re talking.  
„What do you want me to say?“ Bones asks and dares to lower his head enough to rest his chin in his hands. God, he’s so damn tired.  
„Nothing,“ Jim breathes out, „I don’t want you to say anything.“  
And Leonard blinks away something that could be a tear someday and he swallows what could be a lump and he sits there and breaths, saying nothing at all.  
-  
Ma-ia watches the girl sink back into the pond, the black liquid swallowing her with a satisfying noise.  
There’s blood on her hands, there’s blood on her face and there’s blood soaking the green grass and the knives she’s used, but all will be well in the end.  
The girl will live.  
And she knows because right at the end, right before giving up, the girl has opened her eyes to look up at the sky.  
Just a brief flicker of muddy brown, the first flicker of hope.  
-  
Lucy comes back with three cups, walking painfully slow in order to keep the hot drink where it belongs.  
She smiles at them, the exhaustion highlighting the faint laughter lines around her eyes.  
„Don’t tell anyone, but I cut the line at the replicator,“ she breathes and hands them their cups.  
Leonard takes a big sip, almost choking on it when instead of bitter coffee, sweet hot chocolate meets his taste buds.  
„What-?!“ He asks, angry at first, but stops himself when he sees Jim break out into a tiny smile.  
„I don’t want us to be awake longer than necessary,“ Lucy announces, „We drink this chocolate and we go to sleep.“  
„Aye, Captain,“ Jim jokes and Leonard doesn’t know if he’s envious of the way Lucy can pull him out of his misery or glad that there’s at least someone who can do it if he himself can’t.  
They drink in silence but it’s less dreadful this time.  
Finally, Jim sets down his mug and takes a deep breath.  
„I will see you in the evening,“ he tells Bones and slips off the Bio-Bed, „Lucy? Would you mind to walk me back to my room?“  
„I do,“ she admits, „I’d rather go to sleep. How about you walk me to my room and Leonard takes it from there?“  
Jim looks at her with wide eyes but she doesn’t seem to get his message and he doesn’t want to spell it out for her, not when Bones is listening.  
„Please?“ Jim asks and Bones sighs and almost nudges her with his elbow.  
„Fine,“ she relents, „I just hope I’ll find my way back on my own after that.“  
„Call me if you don’t,“ Bones offers without thinking and almost, almost bites his tongue, when Jim sends him a questioning look at that. Just almost, because why should he? He’s done and said nothing wrong, at least not in this terms.  
They separate right outside med-bay and Jim pretends not to notice that Bones looks after them.  
He holds the folder with the Prime Directive tighter in his hand, still questioning why it was where he had found it.  
It doesn’t take them long to get to his room and he manages to type the opening code after two failed attempts.  
„I need to talk to the IT-Department,“ he tells Lucy even though she hasn’t asked, „The Code was the day we got together.“  
„I understand, that it must be hard for you,“ she mumbles and follows him inside when he asks her to.  
„You do,“ he breathes and it’s not a question.  
They look at each other for a long moment, tired eyes, tired souls.  
Lucy blinks first.  
„How did you notice?“ She asks, „Was it that obvious?“  
„You told me,“ he reminds her, „If I would be in better shape, maybe I would have noticed, but how I am right now…? But you told me, remember?“  
He stops and waits for her to say something, but when she doesn’t, he repeats the words she has said only two nights ago.  
“You and I, we can only heal if we move forward if we learn from our mistakes.”  
“I said that,” she confirms.  
“Who was it?” He asks and pushes his hands into the pockets of his uniform trousers.  
“Don’t make me say it,” she whispers before she can stop herself and his lips stretch into a fine line, holding back the pain and the tears.  
He pulls his hands out of his pockets and pulls her into a hug, that hurts more than it heals.  
Her nose is pressed against his chest, he smells like med-bay and exhaustion, like everything you might ever want to leave behind you.  
“What do I do?” Jim asks her and it’s so easy to forget it’s him, so easy to forget it’s her.  
They are just two people who have lost too much.  
“Move,” she tells him with a voice that’s not entirely her own, “That’s what I did.”  
-  
Jim can’t sleep.  
He naps, that’s what he does. Fifteen minutes, sometimes even thirty, but not more, because when he sleeps longer, he starts to dream.  
And when he dreams, he sees Ark'a'li and when he sees her, his mind starts to make something out of here that she wasn’t. At least not to this extent.  
He can’t fight his demons, so he must avoid them.  
He can’t outrun them, so he has to find a way around them.  
When lunchtime has passed and the time between naps starts to grow in length, he needs something to keep his mind occupied.  
Jim pulls out the copy of the Prime Directive again, but he has read it with enough focus to have the words imprinted into his mind for at least a year, if not eternity.  
But this is the Captain’s Quarters and he knows at least one rule book that probably comes with the rooming, plus Spock calls him a friend and has made that clear by gifting him the most boring books a human could ever find. And boring sounds just fine to him right now.  
He settles on something that should be called “How to lead a Starfleet Ship for Dummies” but it’s boring enough to make him tired, but not enough to make him lose track.  
He reads and reads, forces himself to focus, to think about it, to push every other thought away until he’s invested enough to want to take notes.  
So he does it.  
Writes down what he thinks should be changed in the rule book, writes down what the book wants him to change on his ship.  
He writes until his eyelids grow heavy and the clear paths of his thoughts turn into a muddy mess.  
Jim only notices that he’s fallen asleep when he wakes with a start and looks up at the white ceiling, light still on 100%.  
“Computer, tell me the time.”  
“It is 1800.”  
He puts the books on his desk with new found feeling of gratitude for them and even goes through the effort of straightening his clothes before he steps out of his quarters, communicator in his hand.  
Jim decides against calling Bones. He doesn’t want to talk, talking is exhausting, and sends his friend a message instead, inviting him to eat dinner with him. Following a gut feeling, he invites Spock too.  
Might as well get it over with, he thinks and walks down the white hallways towards the mess hall.  
He’s the first there, taking his time to choose his food. It’s hard to decide when he’s not even hungry. Nothing seems worth the effort of eating it, but he knows he needs the nutrients and chooses stew.  
It’s funny, kind of, that every meal can make him think of Ark'a'li. Maybe it’s because he’s eaten a lot of different things with her in the past four years, or maybe it’s something else, but she’s here, there, everywhere on this ship.  
He can’t think of a place on any of the decks he hasn’t seen here, from his quarters to the cargo bay, from the bridge right down to the engine rooms.  
There’s no place he’s safe.  
“You wanted to meet, Captain?” Spock’s voice calls him out of his musings and Jim almost spills his stew.  
“Yes,” he says and sits down before he actually does spill his stew, “I want to step back up as Captain.”  
Spock looks at him, not even blinking. It’s unnerving at best, but Jim’s used to it.  
“I don’t have to do it today, I’d rather do it tomorrow morning, but I want to get back to work.”  
“You want to get back to work?” Bones exclaims behind him and Jim drops his spoon on the table, cursing under his breath.  
“Yes! Sit down! Can’t you approach normally?” He snaps and Bones sits down, eyebrows raised at his tone.  
They measure each other for a moment as if they’re trying to stare each other down.  
“Do you have anything to say against it?” Jim asks finally, his tone tense but polite.  
“No,” Bones shakes his head, “Just surprised, ’s all… But as your physician I ask you to lay off the missions for a while, your kidneys are still not in the shape I want them to be in.”  
“As the Captain, I follow Regulations 2.14. The Captain should stay on the ship during missions unless his presence is necessary due to his specifications or diplomatic terms,” Jim quips and takes a spoonful of his stew. It tastes awful, but that must be his missing appetite.  
Bones stares at him, his mouth hanging open in surprise.  
“What?” Jim asks, anger flaring up for a moment.  
“Since when do you follow orders, no, since when can you recite them in verbatim?”  
For a moment Jim feels rage, longs to get loud, to get the rage out of his system. It doesn’t matter if it’s through dirty words or a fight, but before he can decide on a way, the rage vanishes and exhaustion takes over.  
There’s no use for a fight, he’s just too tired of all this to fight.  
So he puts down his spoon and meets Bones inquisitive eyes with a leveled stare.  
“Since when do you want me to break them? This discussion is over.” He gets up and takes his almost untouched bowl of food with him, meaning to discard it. What he wouldn’t give for a real apple right now.  
-  
Where do you start to get to know a person that’s no longer alive?  
Lucy decides to start with Scotty, her superior. He’s bound to know at least something about her and given his personality, he should know a lot more than necessary.  
“Ah yes, the lass…” He mumbles and it hurts her to see how his demeanor changes the moment he hears Ark'a'lis name.  
Lucy knows too well how it is to lose yourself in your work, to forget and find strength in it, only to be shaken out of it again.  
“Lovely girl,” he says, turning around to work on something, “Good engineer. Liked to tinker.”  
“But there’s more to her, right?” Lucy asks and Scotty sighs.  
“She’s not… she didn’t talk about herself.”  
“What do you mean?”  
Scotty rubs his hands over his face and motions her to sit down. She does so and looks up to him when he keeps standing, pulling at the loose skin around his fingernails.  
“She was a good lass, lovely, really. Good friend, ye could trust her with ye life and all, but there are things she didn’t talk about. Like her birthday. Never figured tha’ out. She jus’ looked at ye until ye stopped asking.”  
“But it must be in her files.”  
“Nah,” he mumbles, “We tried tha’. Just says spring 2336. Her mom’s name is Anne, and her grandmother’s is Marianne, that’s her middle name, but her Mom’s got lost on some mission and… well, there’s not a lo’ more to say, right?” He stops talking as if he’s feeling guilty for telling her this.  
“You don’t have to tell me her secrets,” Lucy assures him, “I could have read through her files by myself if I wanted that kind of information. I just figured… as your friend… that you’d know her.”  
He folds and unfolds his hands, clearly unsure of himself.  
“Like I said,” he mumbles, “She didn’t talk a lot about herself. But she… she got quite a temper, ye know? Like those kids that donnae know their own strength and ye have to be careful with them when they get angry? I cannae count the things she’s broken in her anger, but we’ve talked it through… When she feels like she can’t control it any longer, she goes for a run and if it’s just something sizzling under her skin, she does some fine-tuning or stuff like that. Calms her down.”  
Lucy smiles. “You’re a great superior.”  
“Ach, shut up, lass, it was nothing. Ye would have done the same.”  
-  
Approximately two hours later she’s pulled out of her work process when someone steps into the doorway of her cubicle.  
“Was that your idea?”  
Leonard’s voice sounds more harsh than grumpy, a clear sign that he’s serious.  
“What are you talking about?” Lucy doesn’t step out of her cubicle, but she looks up to him, her hands still on the control panel.  
“Jim, what else would I be talking about?”  
“Come again,” she asks calmly and looks down at the panel, flips one switch and looks back up again, “I’m not on track with your thought process, I’m afraid.”  
He snorts, failing to hide his amusement about her too polite answer and leans against the wall, arms folded over his chest.  
“Jim’s decided to get back on the Chair, which I’m not totally opposed to, if I’m honest, but not totally for it either. When I tried to make sure that he at least won’t go on missions until his kidneys are back in shape, he started reciting the rule book of Great Captains or whatever he’s read.”  
“Well it is a good idea for him to move forward. We just have to make sure that he’s not putting too much stress on himself.”  
“Easier said than done, you can’t get the guy to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Or vice versa. I’ve tried. Plus he needs to talk about his feelings. Bottling them up and hiding them under work won’t do him any good. And I know he will bottle them up and work until he’s too tired to think about it.”  
“He needs time,” Lucy argues and Bones snorts again, but this time there’s no amusement hidden in it.  
“You’re not making sense. You want him to start working so he can find out later that he shouldn’t have rushed it? Because where I come from, we take our time before we get back to work after a loss. We mourn and get back into normality one step at a time, not jump right back in and do the rest later.”  
She gives him a hard stare.  
“Correct me, if I’m wrong, but Jim doesn’t come from your town or your family or is, by any means, the same person as you are. As his friend, you should be able to see that we have to help him adapt to his own way of mourning.”  
“He’s my friend,” Bones snaps, “Mine. I’ve known him for years, I’ve saved his life. So when I tell you that this is not good for him, you’re not in a position to correct me.”  
“I’m not taking him away from you,” she corrects him, her gaze clear and unwavering, but her voice calm, “I’m only offering you the point of view of someone who has been in the same situation, who’s way of mourning is very alike.”  
“And who would that be?”  
“Me,” Lucy says and turns around to flip another switch, staring at the angry red line on her monitor until it fades into a softer green.  
There is silence behind her and for a moment she’s sure he’s gone but when she turns around to prove her theory, he’s still there, watching her intently.  
“I’m not going to tell you more,” she says, her voice cracking, “I’m just telling you that while you want his best all the time, you don’t always know what his best is.”  
“Fine,” Leonard sighs and nods, “I’m gonna let him try this out… For someone who said she would never interfere with others personal choices again, you’re pretty adamant about getting your way.”


	18. Chapter 18

It’s five in the morning and Jim can’t sleep.

He’s tried to, of course, but there’s only so much he can do.

“Computer. Playlist please.”

“Select your playlist. Relax, Party, Love-”

“Relax!” He interrupts the faceless voice before it can finish its sentence.

“Relax playlist is starting now.”

It starts with a slow hum and Jim can feel it vibrating inside his chest.

_And I’ll use you as a warning sign_

_That if you talk enough sense, then you’ll lose your mind_

Jim takes a deep breath and listens to the deep voice of a man singing. This isn’t his playlist. He would have never chosen a song like this.

But maybe, if he tries hard enough, he can forget that this is a song he heard Ark'a'li hum under her breath.

_And I’ll use you as focal point_

_So I don’t lose sight of what I want…_

Or maybe not.

“Change playlist. Love.”

“Love playlist is starting now…”

He thinks it’s a safe bet. The Love playlist is old, older than his relationship with Carol and he doesn’t remember listening to it more than once during his time with Ark'a'li, during the last six months.

But it isn’t a safe bet.

He should have known.

It starts with a beat that’s eerily familiar to him.

Sure, the playlist is old, but he’s listened to it for years and years, it should have burned itself into his memory, right?

But then the warm voice sings the first words and he realizes that that’s not the reason he remembers the song so well.

_When you’re over_

_I feel so endless_

He flees his room, wearing nothing but his checkered pajama pants over his boxers, but he doesn’t care, he needs to get out of this room, needs the song to get out of his head.

_And when we kiss_

_I can’t explain_

His first instinct is to go to the observation deck, but that would be the worst idea ever. He can’t count the number of times they’ve hidden somewhere up there, staring out the windows, listening to music on Ark'a'lis PAD.

She’s changed his playlist. And he doesn’t even know when she found the time to do it. Or why she thought it would be a good idea.

And it’s so… her… to pick a song like this for a playlist like that.

“The beat makes my heart race,” She’s standing right in front of him, a small, teasing smile on her lips, “And at the same time it calms me down, you know?”

He blinks, almost feverishly, trying to get her out of his head, trying to cool down.

It’s a song that has lead to stupid decisions, to great nights and beautiful memories and it hurts. Like a scorching knife, trying to cut out his heart.

His hand finds the panel on the side of the turbo-lift and he presses a button, adamant on getting out of here, on moving, anywhere, just away from his thoughts, his memories.

Moments later he stumbles out into the noisy darkness of the engine room, welcoming the clamor of working machinery that drones out the song in his head.

He’s barefoot and the grating is cold under his feet, grounding him a bit more in reality.

Jim stumbles forward, allowing his feet to find their way on their own accord until a voice stops him.

“Jim?” He turns around to find Lucy standing in the doorway of her cubicle, looking at him, “What are you doing?”

“I can’t sleep,” he mumbles, “And the music…”

He doesn’t know how to explain.

“Come on in,” she beckons him over and smiles at him, pulling out a small stool for him to sit on, “You can keep me company for a bit, are you cold?”

“A bit,” he mumbles and she pulls a uniform jacket from the coat hook next to the doorway.

“It’s probably too small for you,” she apologizes and when he doesn’t react, she lays the jacket over his shoulders.

“Could you talk to me?” He asks with a tired voice and she sits down and nods reaches out her hand to smooth down his bedhead.

“Did you know that the normal level of Vitamin D in a human body should be about 30-50 µg/l? The lights on a starship are specifically made to simulate sunlight so our body still develops Vitamin D. Without that we would have to make you all eat loads of fish or find a way to sneak the Vitamin into the coffee…“

Jim wakes up to bright lights and a dull headache, his head pressed against something warm and firm.

„Ark'a'li?“ He asks, convinced that he’s fallen asleep on her again.

„Lucy,“ a voice answers him and he jerks back, biting his tongue when a sharp pain shoots through his neck from the sudden movement.

She’s sitting with her back to him, his face must have been mushed into her shoulder.

There’s a wet spot on her uniform from where he must have drooled on her in his sleep and he rubs his hands over his face, hoping that she won’t make him talk about this, his inability to sleep, him forgetting that Ark'a'lis dead, just… everything.

„Good thing you’ve woken up by yourself,“ she tells him with a calm voice as if they’re merely talking about the weather, „Gamma shift will end soon. You should go up to your room while the hallways are still vacated.“

She hasn’t turned around yet and he mumbles a „Yes“ and a „Thank you“ towards her back, standing up and moving out of the cubicle.

„Don’t forget to bring back my jacket,“ she calls out after him, loud enough for him to hear, but not loud enough to be heard by those who are working in the other cubicles, monitoring the ship’s data.

-

„Keptin on the bridge!“ Chekov announces when Jim steps in.

He offers his navigator a smile, nods into Sulus direction and sits down in the Captain’s chair.

„Captain,“ Spock addresses him calmly, „It is good to have you back.“

Jim doesn’t offer his First Officer more than a quick nod, a sign that he has heard him, and turns to Uhura.

„Lieutenant Uhura, please open a ship wide Channel.“

„Yes Sir,“

Jim looks ahead, through the front view screen, ignoring everyone who’s turning around just to look at him. And everyone else who’s at least listening intently on what he has to say. That’s what being a Captain means. You have to watch your words.

„Attention, Crew of the Enterprise, Captain Kirk speaking. We have left Tuwek-114 yesterday, leaving behind a friend. I am thankful for Commander Spock taking over Command and I am thankful for every one of you and the work you have done. What we do has always been risky and it will always be risky, but as Captain, I work and live to protect you. The crew does not serve the Captain, the Captain serves the Crew. Keep doing your best. Kirk out.“

It’s quiet on the Bridge after his words, the crew shares confused look but no one dares to address him.

„Well,“ Jim says, clapping his hands together to show the enthusiasm that is lacking his eyes, „Let’s get to work. Mr. Spock, what’s going on in the Labs?“

They find back into the usual bridge routine after that, when it seems like this speech was just a small slip and Jim Kirk, the man who can’t be thrown of his ways by anything, is back.

It takes them only a few hours to see that things are not what they seem to be.

„Lieutenant D'wora, do you have the calculations ready?“

D'woras head snaps up, a look of uncertainty in her eyes. Something hard moves across the Captains features, it looks like impatience but he turns around swiftly without giving her time to defend herself.

He walks with a straight back, his face void of emotion. He listens almost too intently to what you have to say.

At lunch break, he’s nowhere to be seen and the longer the day stretches on, the shorter his temper grows.

But the new Jim does not lash out, does not use sarcasm to tell you when he’s angry.

The new Jim just goes silent and turns away, doesn’t even care to deal with your mistakes.

„I estimate it to be 1.3, Captain,“ Chekov answers and follows the numbers on his monitor.

„You estimate?“ Jim asks, leaning forward in his chair, his blue eyes focused on the back of Chekov’s head.

„A-Aye, sir,“ the Russian stutters and there’s a tense moment of silence, before Jim speaks again, his voice emotionless and cold, cutting through the tension like a knife through melting butter.

„How about you run this equation a second time instead of counting on experience and estimations? This is a starship, not a bicycle.“

He turns his head away before Chekov has a chance to respond, handing a PADD  to another Ensign.

„I’ve read through your report. I’ve marked your mistakes, please rewrite the report until tomorrow.“

It takes them only one day to see the changes and it takes them only one day to hope this new Jim won’t stay around for long.

„Give him some time,“ Uhura mumbles when the senior officers sit down for Dinner, „He’s going through a hard time.“

Unsurprisingly, Spock seems the only one unbothered by this change in behavior.

„He is looking for logic,“ he explains calmly, „As Vulcans have found out hundreds of years ago, Logic helps to deal when the emotions that are experienced are too strong.“

„Well, I fail to see the logic in his behavior,“ Doctor McCoy grumbles but straightens when he sees a familiar face entering the Mess-Hall

He raises his left hand to catch her attention and moments later Lieutenant Singh steps up to their table.

„I do not mean to disturb,“ she greets, „But I was wondering how Jim’s- I mean the Captain’s first day back has turned out.“

„Terrible,“ Chekov mumbles and stabs his food with his fork.

„Well, not that terrible,“ Sulu explains, „Kirk’s just lost his usual patience and Chekov happened to be the one who made a mistake.“

„Not a mistake!“, Chekov exclaims, „The calculation of ze route was correct!“

„The calculation not being wrong in its widest terms wasn’t what mattered to the Captain,“ Spock interjects, „He had asked you for the exact numbers and your answer was vague.“

Chekov heaves a sigh that sounds more sad than angry.

„He needs everything to be logical,“ the doctor complaints with a side-glance towards the Commander.

„That’s understandable,“ Lieutenant Singh says to their surprise, „It makes everything easier. Logic is numb and emotionless.“

„I agree to that,“ Spock looks almost satisfied with himself and Uhura rolls her eyes at him, a rare sign of disagreement between the couple.

„But Jim isn’t someone who works on logic alone,“ Uhura argues, „He’s a good Captain because he listens to whatever it is that is telling him what to do. His gut, his heart, call it what you want, there’s something inside of him that is pulling him into the right direction, no matter where he goes.“

„He leaps without looking,“ Lieutenant Sing says, a thoughtful look on her face. She shakes her head gives them a small smile, „Don’t mind me, I’m already getting lost in my thoughts.“

She turns, obviously aiming for the Replicators. The line of waiting crewman in front of them has significantly decreased.

McCoy’s eyes follow her retreating figure. Spock addresses him by name. The Doctors does not react.

„Doctor McCoy,“ he says, again, and when he’s still staring towards the other side of the room, he clears his throat.

„Do you have a problem with your throat?“ McCoy turns slowly, a scowl on his face, „Because I do have a hypo for that in my pocket.“

„I was merely wondering about the unlikely friendship between the Captain and Lieutenant Singh,“ Spock ignores the Doctor’s comment, „I didn’t know they were close.“

The rest of the Senior officers nod in unison and turn towards the doctor.

„They aren’t,“ he says, „At least they weren’t, days ago.“

„It is not uncommon for a man to seek the company of a woman when he’s experiencing a drastic change of emotions.“

„Damnit Spock, he’s not sleeping with her!“ McCoy hisses, anger in his eyes and rage in his voice.

He’s not alone with this feeling, but Spock is quick to explain his choice of words.

„I did not speak of something like this. I was merely stating that it easier for a man to talk about his emotions with a woman.“

„Then say it like that right from the beginning,“ McCoy snarls and turns back to his food.

-

There is light, soft greenish light that changes into pictures and something that feels like an actual thought.

_The trees move, come closer, step by step, and then a face is directly above hers, the wrinkled skin as brown as the bark of oak trees._

_Long fingers grab her chin and force her mouth open._

_She tries to scream, but mere whimpers come out. She tries to kick, to hit, to struggle, but she can’t move and the figure pours something inside her mouth, viscous and bitter and she can’t spit it out, it glides down her throat like it has a life of its own and finally… finally, she can feel consciousness slipping away from the pain into something so much more comfortable._

_Is it death?_

Am I dying?

More pictures follow memories that move into each other like one long movie of her life but the volume is down and she can’t hear a sound.

Is this it? Is my life flashing before my eyes?

Her mother smiling down into the crib, her father whistling a tune for her that she can’t hear. There’s space right outside the observation room and her own small hands on the giant windows. The crew of the ships she grew up on, the few friends she’s made and lost again. The darkness of Sinar, life in the wilderness that morphs into a sea of red uniforms at one Starfleet Academy after the other.

Jims smiling face, Bones almost permanent snarl and the knowing look in Uhura’s eyes when she reports on the bridge when it’s not even needed.

Scotty offering her tea and pouring her coffee instead, Keenser patting her elbow because he wants to ask something and Chekov urging her to down another drink. And as if some greater force has simply managed to find the volume button in her mind, the sound comes back with a loud crackle, the distinct hum of the Enterprise engines and Sulu’s voice, “Just eat your soup and rest.”

It’s as if a door opens. Words and sound and sentences tumble together into a cacophony, an orchestra of auditive memories. Her dad’s favorite tune, Bones angry yelling, Spock reciting facts and Jim’s voice, low and seductive. “Come back to bed, Ark'a'li.”

It’s loud and too much and it’s trying to make her head explode when her eyes snap open and there’s nothing but gray above her and the mass of words and sounds fade into one loud scream.

And then her other senses kick in.

She can smell the heavy earthy scent from the ground and from trees and other plants around her, there’s the taste of something bitter on her tongue and she closes her mouth and stops screaming and realizes that the gray above her is the sky, framed by millions of soft green leaves.

If this is death, she thinks with a sudden calm, then the high priests are wrong. Because this is not darkness and not nothing, at all.

And then there’s a face right in front of her and she screams again, yells out in shock and the face pops back.

She tries to sit up, but something or someone is holding her down and there’s murmuring in a language she can’t understand and loud steps on a hard floor and then a face that’s comfortingly human appears before her.

“Calm down,” the woman says, “You’re safe.”

“Who are you?” Ark'a'li says but the woman moves back and the tree-like face comes back.

“You speak?”

Ark'a'li blinks. It takes her a moment to understand that the treeface has spoken in the standard language.

“Yes…” she answers, “I speak.”

“You name is what?” The treeface asks, his voice surprisingly warm and friendly.

“Ark'a'li Guyet,” her voice sounds calmer than she feels, “And you are?”

The treeface tries to say her name, but stumbles helplessly over the ‘r’-sound and forgets to pause in between the syllables, making it sound like 'Ackalli’.

“You can call me that,” she tells it in the hopes of speeding up whatever it is that is happening here.

If she’s dead and this is the entrance of the Universe’s inner chambers, she doesn’t want to waste time with useless chit chat.

“Ackalli…” He says and smiles broadly at her, “I am Nguuh. You was sick. We healed you.”

“Thank you,” Ark'a'li says, “But I have many questions, I…”

Nguuh turns away abruptly when another tree appears next to him, lowering himself to the ground so Ark'a'li can see his face without having to move her head. Not that she would be able to move her neck because it’s held in place.

“I am Yoz,” the tree says, his face significantly older than that of Nguuh, “I am the one who heals. You is safe now.”

Ark'a'li wets her lips, thinking of how she can say what she wants to say and get the information she needs.

“This is Ma-iah,” Yoz says and the woman comes back, sending her a tentative smile, “She speaks English.”

“Hi,” Ma-iah says, “My name is Mariah Cruz. I will answer your questions.”

“Let me sit up, please?”

Mariah mumbles something to Yoz who shakes his head.

“You back is not healed yet,” he says, “You need bath.”

“You have to understand,” Mariah says, her eyes losing a bit more of her restraint, “You broke several vertebrae, you were poisoned and-”

“My baby,” Ark'a'li freaks and tries to move her arms, but they are held down too, “What happened to my baby?”

Mariah licks her lips, before answering, while Yoz just looks mildly confused.

“There was no baby,” Mariah says, “We had to cut you open because your abdomen was swelling and your body didn’t push out the poison like it should have, so we gave you foulberry juice… You had a bad case of Romulan Stomach worm. A few more days and that thing would have eaten his way through your skin. We got it soon enough.”

Ark'a'li closes her eyes, trying to comprehend what is going on. There’s just too much of it.

“How long-?”

“Seven days now,” Mariah answers calmly, “Your starship has left about four days ago.”


	19. Chapter 19

Lucy has told herself that she wouldn’t read Ark'a'lis files. Not if she didn’t absolutely needed to. So she had talked to the crew instead. Scotty had been right.

Ark'a'li hadn’t been an open book. She hardly let anything slip that she hadn’t meant to say anyway. No casually mentioning of past friends, hobbies or adventures and everyone more or less directed her towards Jim for more.

“But what do- I mean did you think of her? How was she like?”

Most people shrugged, mumbled a “friendly, helpful, short tempered” or something alike and went their way.

The only helpful answers she got were from Sulu and, surprisingly, Spock.

While the Helmsman told her about Ark'a'lis goal to master piloting a shuttle and her obvious lack of driving skill, Spock looked both ways to make sure they weren’t being listened to.

“She was on the run,” the Vulcan had said matter of factly, “She convinced herself that she was running outwards something, but in reality, he ran away from it.”

“From what?”

“Being left behind, I guess. She once asked me if I could use the mind meld on her to retrieve childhood memories she thought lost.”

“Did you do it?” Lucy asks, almost breathless.

“The Vulcan mind meld is a deeply personal thing, part of the private life and can be a very risky procedure if not performed correctly.”

Lucy deflates visibly, she can’t help herself.

“Of course. I am sorry that I did assume something different.”

He looks at her without saying something and she realizes that he is trying to tell her something without voicing it out loud. Could it be…?

“There are, however, reasons for a Vulcan to consider a mind meld. If done correctly the risks can be outweighed by the benefits, for example. And I might have felt gratitude towards Lieutenant Ark’a’li when she saved Lieutenant Uhuras life about one year ago.”

“So you did mind meld with her?” Lucy realizes, “Were you able to retrieve her memories?”

“No. The mind meld is not some form of magic, as I’ve heard humans phrase it, it is simply a mechanism that allows us to meld two minds together, to let me remember what she remembered. And we are speaking of memories from the age of five years and downwards. It is very rare even for a healthy being, to remember what has been before.”

“Are you insinuating that Ark’a’li wasn’t healthy? Can you show me what you saw during mind meld?”

“You are a great help to the Captain,” Spock mumbles and looks around a second time, “Would you care to meet me on the observation deck in an hour?”

She nods, unable to speak and watches him leave with a beating heart, thinking of what she might see, might learn about her friend.

-

The thought of not being able to move has always been somewhat terrifying to Ark'a'li but it’s worse the way it is now.

Her check is pressed into the grass and she can look to the side and breath on her own, but every other part of her is secured. After what they have done to her stomach before she understands that they won’t get anything done on her back if they don’t hold her down, but understanding it won’t ease the burning in her muscles. She wants to run so deperately, wants to move, wants to… go home.

Her stomach is on fire where the healer has pierced her with something, over and over again, until she had been crying, the tears rolling down her face and onto the floor. Now the cool ground soothes a bit of the pain, but they’re only halfway through her back and she’s already exhausted, unable to think clearly.

No one is telling her anything. No one is giving her any useful information. Mariah is quite obviously human, but she hasn’t mentioned anything about a way back onto the Enterprise. The tree people have benn nothing but helpful so far, even if their way of healing her is the most painful thing she has experienced so far.

She can’t wrap her head around the facts. She thought she was dying and now she’s here, lying in meadow. There had been no forest on the riverside, just a few trees with a dark red bark. She can’t hear the river too, which means it must be quite far away. How did she get here?

Did the tree people fight against the crew that must have been sent to save her?

Ark'a'li thinks of Jim and her heart drops heavy into her stomach. He must think she’s dead. The Jim she knows, her best friend, lover, Captain… he wouldn’t leave the planet without her if there was a chance she was still alive. He must be convinced that she’s dead, even though there’s no body to proof it.

And with a lump in her throat she remembers the predator in the river and realises that in a situation like hers they don’t need a body for proof.

“Ackalli,” Nguhs smiling face appears directly in front of her and she swallows down as much of her pain as she can.

“Yes?”

“Is you sad?” He asks and she nods, unable to lie.

Nguh puts a little blue stone in front of her nose, placed far enough away so she can see it clearly.

“It is p-etty,” he says, unable to pronounce the ‘r’, “It is a p-esent.”

“Thank you,” she mumbles weakly and Nguh smiles softly.

“Do you want to be alone?” He asks.

“No.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes, please.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“Can you tell me something?” Ark'a'li asks and Nguh looks at her with curious eyes, before getting up and leaving.

She wonders if she has said something wrong but then he’s back again.

“I can tell you sto-y,” he says, “But it is in my language.”

“That’s okay,” she mumbles and he smiles so bright she’s afraid it will make the bark-like-skin chip break.

Ark'a'li doesn’t understand a word he says, but the language sounds nice and comforting, deep humming sounds and chirping vocals that remind her of birds.

Before she knows it, Nguh stops and lowers himself down to see her better.

“Healing is finished,” he tells her, “I will tell you mo-e when you have bathed.”

“Bathed?” Ark'a'li asks but she’s already lifted of the ground, the fog in her brain making it difficult for her to understand what is going on.

Mariah steps next to her.

“We are going to lower you into the water. Don’t be afraid, it’s breathable.”

“Breathable?” Ark'a'lis voice sounds squeaky and she’s scrambling through her brain to access her feelings. She’s not sure if she’s afraid, not sure if she even feels anything but the distinct notion of being utterly lost. And then she’s dropped in thick black liquid that has a life of it’s own and for the first time in her life, she is surrounded by a blackness she cannot see through.

-

Like every other person too, Lucy had wondered what a mind meld would feel like.

“Clear your head,” Spock asks her when she walks up to him on the observation deck, “I want to show you something and the moment I will initiate the meld, our minds will fuse, which will allow me to share your feelings and thoughts. It will be easier for both of us if you try to think of nothing.”

“I’ll try,” Lucy promises and the Vulcan touches her head gingerly. She wants to tell him that she won’t break, but finds herself unable to.

She’s not Lucy anymore, feels like a drop of water in the ocean, herself and a lot more than that at the same time.

Eyes open, and even though they are not hers, she can see through them, can access the mind that hides behind.

She is Spock, she realizes and wonders if she is inside Spock, inside his mind, or…

“It is a memory,” she hears his voice, “Please keep your thoughts at bay until you have seen everything, Lieutenant Singh.”

Lucy tries to speak, but she can’t find her mouth and lets the thought go.

And then she sees Ark'a'li through Spock’s eyes, examines the other woman with a vulcan mind. It is fascinating to see what Spock sees. He notes the circles around her eyes, remembers every other time he has seen her and can tell just by looking at her, how long she must have slept. He smells the faintest hint of sweat and the fabric of gym mates and the way she limps just the tiniest bit, calculating everything until he can tell that she has been sparring instead of sleeping, opting for the shortest nap in between and sparring again after that, putting too much pressure on her leg. And when she steps closer and looks up at him, Spock can tell that she must have encountered the Captain shortly before this meeting, because Ark'a'lis eyes are always a tiny bit more open when she has seen the Captain on her walks through the ship.

“You have asked to see me?” Ark’a’li says and her voice sounds so much richer when perceived through heightened vulcan hearing. The girl is exhausted, but more emotionally so.

“I have decided to grant your wish of a mind meld,” Spock declares and Ark’a’lis head snaps up and she looks at him, lips pressed into a thin line. She is holding her emotions back lest her hopes might be crushed again.

“You have gone through great risks to make sure Lieutenant Uhura could come back safely. Please accept my gratitude.”

“I accept,” Ark’a’li responds formally but almost breathless, “What do I need to do?”

“Try to think of the earliest memory you have,” Spock asks, “And don’t close yourself of. I won’t wander in your mind more than I need to, be assured, but you will need to let me walk freely.”

Ark’a’li nods instead of speaking and there is eagerness in her eyes, but she still tenses up when Spock steps closer and puts his hand on the side of her face.

Lucy feels like she’s floating, she’s weightless, unable to move her own in an ocean of bright and burning blue. Everything is blue.

Something pulls her out of it and the farther she moves away, the smaller it gets, until she realizes that when Ark’a’li thinks of nothing, she fills her mind with the colour of the sky on earth, the Captain’s eyes, the glowing blue of the light crystals in Sinar City.

Lucy can feel Ark’a’lis presence like a fire in a cold night. She turns and turns, expecting to see her standing beside her, to smile at her, but there are just colors flashing around her, words appearing in thin air, vanishing when she tries to read them.

“What are you doing, Spock?” Ark’a’lis voice rings out like an alarm blaring and Lucy wishes for hands to hold her aching mind together.

“I am searching for your memories.”

“Don’t go there!” Ark’a’li shouts again and Lucy whimpers from the pain, the volume making her feel as if she’s in the process of being split apart.

Everything is moving, they are rushing through thoughts and memories, pictures and words and sounds in so many different languages. Lucy feels sick, feels like tumbling through a dryer, like sitting in the front seat of a rollercoaster just about to drop and then everything just… stops.

Blinding white and eyes open that are not her own.

A transporter room, Lucy realizes but feels the panic and disorientation of the mind she’s currently inhabiting.

People shout in a language that sounds vaguely familiar and red shirts aim phasers at her. Lucy screams, but it’s not her voice. She’s a little girl, crying, her mind so terrifying empty.

“This is a Starfleet ship, what planet do you come from? Where are your parents?”

“I don’t know.” The girl whimpers, struggling to pronounce the words, struggling to find her place in a language that is familiar but she doesn’t know why.

“What’s your name?”

“I don’t know,” she squeaks, heart beating fast and a fist sized lump in her throat because she feels like she should know, but her mind is empty, empty, empty…

“Lieutenant Smirnoff,” a voice says and the girl makes herself smaller, while Lucy rises. She knows the voice, will recognize it everywhere, “There is something around her wrist.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant Pike, for pointing it out to me. Would you read it to me, please?”

And a Lieutenant in his twenties, red shirt and warm blue eyes, steps forward and Lucy’s heart stops beating, because it’s him, younger, but so alive.

“Lieutenant Singh,” a cool touch on the side of her face, “Please calm down. We are still in a memory.”

She can’t see Spock, but she can feel his touch and his presence in her thoughts and whatever he is doing to her, she feels calmer, able to watch, unable to feel.

Christopher Pike lowers himself until he is at the same height as the girl and looks down at the bracelet around her arm and what is written on them.

“It says Ark’a’li Marianne Guyet, Sir.”

“Please search tha name in the database, Ensign Pike. Ark’a’li, do you know where you come from?”

The little girl starts to cry, big fat tears rushing down her cheeks, her throat clenching shut with every sob and the emotions wash over Lucy, threatening to drown her.

She’s longing for something she can’t name, thinks of words that don’t make sense anymore, her head hurts like it’s falling apart and everything feels so wrong and out of place and a big man pushes something cold against her neck, it hurts and she tries to bite him but her body won’t do what she tells it to do, she feels so sleepy and alone and…

They slip in and out of sleep in a second. Kid-Ark’a’lis eyes flutter open to bright whiteness and her head hurts and she’s afraid, but a warm hand holds onto hers.

“Shh, I am here.”

Lucy’s heart skips another beat, but she forces herself to stay calm and Ark’a’li manages to turn her head and look up at Lieutenant Pike who smiles softly.

“I am Christopher,” he tells her, “You are in med-bay now, where we are looking you over to see if you are sick. Do you remember anything.”

Ark’a’li shakes her head and he nods as if he has seen that coming.

“I will tell you what we found out, then. Your name is Ark’a’li Marianne Guyet. We looked for that name in the database and found a Marianne Guyet, does she look familiar to you?”

He holds up a picture of a blonde woman with muddy brown eyes, probably in her fifties.

Lucy takes a shocked breath, seeing the similarity between the Ark’a’li she knows and the woman on the picture, while Kid-Ark’a’li just shakes her head no and stuffs her fingers into her mouth to stop them from shaking.

“And this woman?” Christopher holds up another picture. The woman looks almost the same but younger. Lucy remembers the picture from Ark’a’lis funeral and her heart clenches at the fact that mother and daughter look alike.

“This is your mother,” Christopher tells her calmly and pulls softly at one of her hands, handing the picture to the little girl, “Her name is Anne. We will try to find her for you, okay?”

Ark’a’li looks down at the picture, at the woman whose smile looks as foreign to her as everything else.

“My father?” She asks, remembering the word, but unable to place a picture to it.

“I’m sorry,” Christopher says and puts his big warm hand on her small one, “We are still looking for information about it.”

Ark’a’li looks up at him, right into clear blue eyes accompanied with a smile and down at the picture again.

“And this is your grandmother,” Christopher drops the other picture in her lap as well, two women with blonde hair and muddy brown eyes who smile as if they know all the secrets of the world that are now hidden from Ark’a’li.

“Lieutenant Pike,” a male voice interrupts them and Christopher squeezes her hand again, before distancing himself from the bed she’s lying on.

Ark’a’li keeps her eyes on the pictures and her mind on alert. The two men step away from her and lower their voices but she’s still able to hear them clearly.

“There is no information about Lieutenant Anne Guyet since seven years. She was on a shuttle that went missing around the Orion Belt.”

“And the grandmother?”

“Deceased, ten years ago.”

Christopher sighs. “Right, I remember… Have you run her blood samples.”

“Yes. The DNA is a match, she is indeed Lieutenant Guyets daughter, but she is not fully human.”

“The father? What race is he?”

“Unidentified. The race is not in our records.”

“An unknown species?”

“Indeed. And…”

“Yes?”

“There are similarities. If it would be a different race, it wouldn’t be a hassle, like Vulcan and Romulan, but…”

“But what? Speek clearly.”

“Whatever species she is from, they share similarities with the Klingon.”

“So?”

“Headquarters will want to know.”

“I don’t see a problem with her race as long as she is raised right.”

“Me neither, but Headquarters…”

“We will worry about it when it comes. You know the records of the crew, do we have someone on this ship who has given birth recently?”

“What are you thinking about?”

“I am a man, this girl needs a mother figure.”

“I will take a look.”

Lucy takes a breath. Even though she doesn’t need to breathe in the state she is in, she feels like she’s suffocating. She wants to touch Christopher, wants to step out of this kids mind into a time where the man she loves was still alive and tell him to save himself from the death that already loomed over him.

And the minutes tick by Ark’a’li stares down at the pictures in her hands, running around in the emptiness of her mind, searching for something, anything, that she remembers.

But her memory is like the dark space of an empty storage level of the Enterprise, it lights up when she moves, but she finds nothing but empty black storage space where pictures and colours and words should be. Words flick by like written heart beats and some make sense and some don’t, but there is no picture to accompany the meaning and there is no feeling for any of them, just confusion and emptiness.

The doors make the swishing sound she has already grown vaguely accustomed to and a new voice dominates the white space of med-bay.

“I don’t have time for this, Pike,” a woman says and when Ark’a’li looks up there is something like hope in her chest, because the woman has blond locks and she’s here, talking to Christopher. Maybe she is what the man has called her mother?

“I have two boys waiting for me down on earth, I don’t need the kid of your ex-girlfriend to look after.”

Lucy freezes and Ark’a’li tenses, sensing the emotion that is laced in with the words.

“Winona,” Christopher addresses her calmly, “I don’t want to burden you, I just thought you might have it easier to connect with her. Maybe she will start to remember…”

“It’s Lieutenant Kirk for you,” Winona says and turns, walking over to Ark’a’li and pulling a chair towards the bed.

“Hey,” she smiles and her face lights up, taking away the stress that has hardened her features before, “I’m Winona. I have two boys.”

Ark’a’li blinks at her and Winona pulls something out of the jacket she wears over a red shirt and holds it out for her to look at. It’s a picture of two boys.

“This is Sam,” Winona points on the bigger one on the left, his reddish blonde hair a mess that tries to defy gravity, his arm slung around the smaller one, “And that is Jim. They’re both really feisty.”

Jim has white blonde hair that’s hanging into his eyes, he has his chest puffed out to appear bigger and his eyes are the brightest Ark’a’li has ever seen.

Has ever seen, she repeats the thought that stirs a feeling and touches the picture softly with her fingers to check if it’s real

“I have never seen… this blue before?”

Winona laughs and it’s a soft, warm sound with charred edges.

“Yeah…” She whispers, “I know, they are really blue. He’s already mastered how to use his gaze to his advantage.”

Winona tries to take the picture back and Ark’a’li looks down at the two boys one last time, burning the image into her empty memory. Blue…

“Spock?” Lucy asks.

“Wait,” he answers calmly, “I know you have questions, but please wait.”

And they move through Ark’a’lis memories, through the hours in med-bay that are just waiting and holding herself together and looking up when the door swishes because she hopes it is Christopher or Winona.

And then a man in a bright yellow shirt appears and he looks… stern.

“Ark’a’li,” he addresses her, “Headquarters have asked for you to be turned in to the next Starbase for additional assessment. Please follow me.”

She slips of the bed, clutching the pictures to her chest. She doesn’t understand all of the words, but she understands what is expected for her.

“Christopher?” She asks when they step out of the white room Christopher has called med-bay and into an equally white hallway.

“Who?” The man in the yellow shirt asks.

“Christopher,” Ark’a’li says again, “And Winona. Where are they? Are they coming?”

“I believe she is talking about Lieutenant Pike and Lieutenant Kirk, Sir,” another voice says and there is a man stepping towards them, his ears pointy, his posture stiff.

“No, they are not coming.” The first guy says to Ark’a’li and she stops right in her movement.

The man with the pointy ears puts his hand on her back and pushes her forward.

“They have to work,” the man in the yellow shirt says, “Come on, you have to go.”

And there is anger in Ark’a’li, anger that burns red and she wants to jump and scream and bite the pointy guys fingers off, but something cold is pressed against her skin and she feels tired again, tired and weightless and… alone.

Darkness…

Lucy opens her eyes and looks at Ark’a’li, grown up and crying, holding herself together with her arms slung around herself.

“Lieutenant Guyet,” Lucy says but it’s not her voice that she hears, but that of Commander Spock, “I am sorry-”

“Shut up!” The girl sobs, “Shut up! Shut up!”

She is clutching her head now. “Get out of my head!” She screams, panic in her voice, “Get out of my mind!”

“I’m no longer in there, “Spock assures her and tries to take her hand but she reaches out and slaps him across the face with enough force to make his eyes sting from the pain.

She’s up in an instant and looks at him with the eyes of a hurt animal. She runs and Spock doesn’t even try to follow her.

“Go after her!” Lucy demands and there’s a new sensation, like a giant pulling her out of her body and then she’s on the Observation Deck, looking up at Spock and crashing to the floor at the same time.

Her legs won’t carry her and her lungs have a hard time getting enough oxygen.

“What-” She breathes out when her head hits the floor and she looks up at the ceiling, unable to move.

“I can’t go after her, Lieutenant Singh,” Spock reminds her calmly, “It was only a memory, after all.”

“What happened… after the mind meld, I mean?”

“She distanced herself from me. It took Jim three months and 22 days to realize this and ask to apologize for whatever I must have done wrong to upset her.”

“You apologized to her?” Lucy manages to move her head enough to be able to see Spock’s face.

“I assured her that a Vulcan will never tell what he has seen in a mind meld. That, combined with the time that had passed, must have been enough for her to get back to her usual behaviour around me… I hope this will not be the case this time, however.”

“What do you mean?”

“There is no mention of your relationship with late Admiral Christopher Pike that would have explained your emotional outburst at seeing him or discovering that Lieutenant Anne Guyet has been his, as Lieutenant Kirk phrased it, ex-girlfriend.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Lucy mumbles and manages to pull her left leg towards her body, but struggles with the right.

“I understand,” Spock says, “It isn’t necessary for you to say it out loud anyway. I just hope my knowledge of it will not affect our work together.”

A cold shiver runs down her spine.

“How much do you know?” She asks and raises her head to look at him.

Spock looks back with the clear and emotionless eyes of a Vulcan.

“We have shared a mind,” he reminds her and Lucy groans and lets her head sink back.

Of course…

“Do you need help getting up? The effects of the mind-meld will last up to two hours, but maybe you’d feel better sitting up?”

“Do you think it was true?” Lucy interrupts him, “That Chris… that Admiral Pike and Lieutenant Guyet, I mean?”

He doesn’t say anything and she groans again.

“Forget it,” she says and it sounds so not like her, that she cringes.

“What happened to Ark’a’li? After they sent her off the starship?”

“She wouldn’t let me see,” he tells her, “if you need more information, her files-”

“I don’t want to read her files. I don’t want to pry on her life…”

“But you convinced me to share with you what I saw in her mind?” Spock asks and Lucy falls silent again. He is right after all.

“Shall I assist you with-”

“No,” she interrupts him again, “Just let me lie here for a bit and think.”

“Very well.”

-


	20. Chapter 20

“Alright, let’s call it a day,” Carol grabs her PADD and shuts down her lab assessment, waving a friendly goodbye in the direction of her coworkers and going back to her computer to check her messages the last time before she shuts it down as well.

She reads the unimportant stuff first, deciding quickly what can be deleted and what not, before moving on and stopping when she realizes she’s got messages from half of the Enterprise senior crew. Dr. McCoy, Uhura, Spock, Scotty, even Sulu. It’s not unusual for them to write her, but them writing her in such a short span of time? It’s highly worrying.

She opens the mail from Spock first, knowing that he will be the one who’s sticking to the facts the most .

Dr. Carol Marcus, I write to inform you that Lieutenant Ark’a’li Guyet has died on Tuwek-114 on Stardate 2264.75 at 1700. I have been under the assumption that you have been friends with the deceased. We are holding a formal burial on Stardate 2264.77. If you plan to attend, please contact Chief Medical Officer Dr. Leonard McCoy for more details.

Sincerely,

Commander S'chn T'gai Spock

Carol pushes her chair away from the table as if the closed space is the reason she has trouble breathing.

Just six months ago Uhura had written her to tell her that Jim and Ark’a’li had finally made the move to get together. She had thought about writing Jim then, congratulating him even, but it had felt weird, considering that she was still more his ex-girlfriend than a good friend.

And now, six months later, Ark’a’li is dead and she’s too late for the funeral, just because she got lost in her work again.

And even though she knows she shouldn’t, she gets up anyway, leaving her computer on standby and her PADD lying next to it, because she just can’t get herself to pick it up. She leaves with barely controlled steps, glad that she’s the last to leave, alone in the elevator, free to revel in the feelings of shock and uneasiness.

It still feels like barely yesterday…

“Dr. Marcus,” Ark’a’li addresses her, when she enters the elevator, looking directly into her eyes, her voice not shaking the least bit, “You’re off duty?”

“Yes,” Carol answers warily, looking her over before deciding that she will probably never have a better chance anyway, “Can I ask you something?”

“Always,” the girl answers and threads oil stained fingers through her equally stained locks.

“What is your relationship with the Captain?”

The girl does not flinch, does not look caught, just turns with a determination in those muddy brown eyes.

“We are good friends, I assume.”

“There was never more?” It’s a wild guess, considering how flirtatious the Captain had been before Carol had met him.

“There was… something,” Ark’a’li starts, “We were both pretty drunk, but the only thing that happened, was that I lost my shirt. And I am more than fine with the fact that it never got down to more.”

Carol controls her breathing, trying to keep calm. If it is as the girl says and Ark’a’li has no reason to make this story up if there are a lot worse lies she could tell instead, then it would make sense that Jim hasn’t told her. He would have let it drop as something that never really happened.

“You’re not in a relationship…” Carol states and Ark’a’li nods.

“I don’t want to be in one,” she explains calmly when the lift halts and she steps out of it, “Good evening, Doctor.”

Carol looks after her when the door closes, unable to think of something else but unable to think of the girl at the same time.

Her heart clenches painfully when she thinks of Jim, because she has seen how much the girl meant to him, has seen how much she must have meant to him herself. But it wasn’t the same and it will never be the same and now she’s dead and Carol can’t even think of how Jim must be feeling about this.

She steps out of the elevator and into her apartment, calling the person whose contact she has still secured in her mind.

“Captain James Tiberius Kirk, please leave a message.”

“Hi, it’s Carol,” she puts a smile into her voice, “I’ve just heard the news and I know I’m a bit late, but I’m sorry. If you want to talk about it, you know I’m still as good at listening as I was back then, so…”

She takes a break and breathes into the device, before pushing through the thin wall of self-conscious that’s holding her back.

“Do you remember that one mission where Ark’a’li volunteered to jump out of a shuttle? I remember the way you looked at her then,” she whispers, “So worried and concerned about her and you played it off by telling us that you had wanted to do it yourself. I don’t know if you could fool the others, but you couldn’t fool me. I’ve always known how much you care about her. But I don’t think you saw the way she looked at you, the way she cared about you. She was very perceptive and could hide it very well, but I could see the way she was always calmer when you were around as if you’d balance her out in some way… I guess, what I wanted to tell you, is that she loved you and that she would want you to know that she cared about you… And I’m sorry-” The maximum amount of message information is reached, the device in her hand beeps and the line is cut.

Carol puts her phone down, brushing the hair away from her face as if that would ground her somehow.

If only she could remember other things that were worth telling him.

-

“It’s Friday,” Chekov said before pausing and taking another bite of his salad.

Sulu nods but doesn’t say anything and Chekov heaves a sigh and tries again.

“It’s Friday… What do we do?”

“What do you mean?” Sulu raises an eyebrow and Chekov puts down his fork.

“We have our routine. We work, we eat dinner together, you and I call our family and then we meet in the bar or the lounge or wherever we feel like meeting… It’s been… well, it’s been more like a week and I don’t want to start spending my Fridays in my room, translating Russian fiction.”

“Is that what you did the rest of the week?”

“Maybe,” Chekov turns his head and waves to a familiar face in a red shirt.

Scotty waves back before turning towards the replicator, while Keenser walks straight towards them, plopping down at his seat at the table.

“What are you going to do this evening, Keenser?” Chekov asks and sends Sulu a pointed look.

“Eat,” Keenser answers and pulls a package of protein nibs out of his pocket.

“And after that?” Keenser shrugs and Chekov sends Sulu another look.

“We can’t exactly call it a movie night. It wouldn’t be disrespectful.”

“Who’s havin’ a movie night?” Scotty puts down his tablet and looks at them, “And what are ye watchin’ that’s so disrespectful?”

“We could watch Ark'a'lis favorite movies,” Chekov proposes, “It wouldn’t be disrespectful at all. Bonding time.”

Keenser’s “Yes” rings out at the exact same time Scotty says “No”.

“Why not?” Sulu leans back to get a better view of Scotty’s face, of the discomfort lingering there.

“It’s too early, that’s why” he mumbles and looks as though he wants to leave.

“We don’t have to,” Chekov is quick to react, pulling softly at the hem of Scotty’s shirt, urging him to sit down, “I just don’t want to spend another night alone. Especially not a Friday night.”

Scotty nods and sits and takes a spoonful of stew, pushing the food around in his mouth before swallowing.

“Where are the others? Uhura? The doctor? Singh?”

“Uhura is looking for Spock. He had something to attend to earlier and told her he needed to rest. She wanted to check on him first,” Chekov explains when the door of the mess hall opens and Doctor McCoy walks in. He doesn’t hesitate to get food first, just takes the sit next to Sulu.

“Where’s the Captain?”

Sulu blinks, looking at the others but everyone else is just as lost with this question as he is.

“He got out of his shift half an hour ago like everyone else,” Sulu finally voices their thoughts, “Have you checked his room? He’s started to eat there.”

“Of course I checked his quarters. He’s not there. Where’s everyone else-” He stops when his comm chirps and pulls it out, cursing when he reads his last message, jumping up.

“Someone passed out on the Observation Deck, I gotta go.”

“Who is it?” Scotty asks, immediately alarmed.

“Ask me again when I have them in med-bay.”

-

Leonard runs down the hallways, telling the panicking part of his brain that he can’t know if it’s Jim or not and even if it’s him, panic won’t do him any good.

And then he’s in med-bay, looking over the Bio-Beds, a nurse already by his side.

“Riley found her on the observation deck, passed out. Her oxygen level is low but she reacts to sound and light.”

Leonard looks at the left leg that is dangling limply from the Bio-Bed, the boot a size 36 and takes a breath. It’s not Jim.

He steps closer, nods at another nurse who steps back and he recognizes the face beneath the oxygen mask. It’s Lucy.

“Lieutenant Singh,” he addresses her politer than he should and calmer than he feels, “Can you tell me what happened?”

She opens her eyes to look at him, her movement sluggish.

He looks at the display of the scanning device that nurse P’traya is holding out for him and nods, before turning back, lowering himself down a bit so Lucy can see him better.

“The scan shows nothing unusual. Do you know why this happened? Blink once for no and twice for yes.”

She opens and closes her eyes slow and careful and he nods briefly.

“Do you think you can talk? I will take the oxygen mask off for a moment for you to do so.”

She blinks twice again and he opens the straps of the mask, pushing it away from her mouth.

Lucy licks her lips twice, before taking a shaky breath.

“Lexorin,” her voice is raspy and raw, but there is no possibility of misunderstanding. She’s not the first one he has to treat with this drug.

“I want three-milligram Lexorin in the first IV, fluids, more oxygen.”

P’traya looks at him with eyes that are eager to learn more about this situation and he takes the time to send her a pointed glare.

“And don’t let us forget the obligation to secrecy…” P’traya has the decency to look ashamed and he steps away from the bed.

“If there is anything else, I will be in my office, telling Scotty why one of his Lieutenants can’t come to work the night shift.”

He looks back one last time, telling himself he still has to make sure what happens, before he closes the door of his office behind him and calls Spock instead.

“I want you in med-bay. Now,” he orders, “I don’t want to hear excuses because Lieutenant Singh almost suffocated on the observation deck and if I need to treat her with Lexorin my guess is that I will have to treat you as well.”

“Very well,” the Vulcan’s voice is hoarse, “I am on my way.” He cuts the connection.

-

Jim puts his PADD on his desk and listens to the silence in his room that follows the message he has just heard.

It has been so long since he has heard Carol’s voice. She sounds different than she used to but maybe that’s just his imagination or the time that has passed.

He hasn’t seen her in… what, two years now… Someone must have told her about Ark’a’lis death. Maybe Spock, he would think nothing of it. Or Uhura, because he knows for a fact that the two women have stayed friends even after Carol leaving.

Uhura and Carol have always gotten along, better than Uhura and Ark’a’li ever could.

But it’s wrong to think like that, even though there’s no meaning behind it. It’s wrong to think of his ex-girlfriend when his current girlfriend…

Right, Jim thinks and rubs his temples, it doesn’t matter who he thinks about and when. Ark’a’li is dead.

And all he wants is to hear her voice again.

He grabs his PADD, wishing he’d filmed her at least once, because the few pictures he has are great, but there’s no life in it, no possibility for him to hear her voice again.

Following his instincts he pulls up the security feed, searching for her presence. There is nothing. He’s too late.

Files and memories are one thing, but without a video to prove it feels like she has never been here at all.

Jim takes a deep breath and rubs his hands over his face. He thinks of a sentence Lucy Singh has told him a week ago, a sentence that hasn’t left his mind.

“You and I, we can only heal if we move forward if we learn from our mistakes.“

He’s trying to move forward, he’s trying to learn, but the possibility of forgetting holds him back. But maybe he has to forget, maybe he needs to ignore, to get over this?

It’s not like he has a choice.

-

Keenser is walking alongside Scotty when a communicator beeps. He nudges his human co-worker when he doesn’t react.

“What?”

Keenser points until Scotty understands and answers the call. They stop in the middle of the hallway and Keenser listens in on the conversation, unashamed.

“Singh is in sickbay,” Scotty explains afterward with a thoughtful expression. Keenser nods as if he didn’t hear every word of the conversation anyway.

“Who’s going to fill in for her shift? She might be out for a while… The doctor wasn’t really forward with what she’s suffering from so it could be everything… She could be mourning, but-”

“Hammonds,” Keenser interrupts him and Scotty turns his head, looking at him in surprise.

“What?”

“Hammonds,” Keenser repeats stubbornly and Scotty’s eyes widen.

“Right, Hammonds can fill in. I’ll call him.” He does so immediately but holds the communicator in his hand when he’s hung up, unsure on what to do next.

Keenser pulls on the hem of his red shirt and nods his head in the direction of the mess hall.

“Movie night,” he orders and Scotty blanches.

“I’m not really up for that. I think it’s too early to watch movies and talk about… the lass.”

“Lucy,” Keenser reminds him with his own stubbornness and pulls the shirt again.

Finally, Scotty understands.

“Right,” he mumbles, “That’s a great idea.”

I know, Keenser thinks but stays quiet, shuffling behind his human friend when he turns towards the mess hall, where Chekov and Sulu are still debating on what to do on this lonely Friday evening.

-

Lucy must have fallen asleep.

She wakes up to mumbling, beeping and the taste of oxygen on her tongue.

She coughs and blinks and someone eases the oxygen mask of her face.

“How are ye feeling, Lass?”

There’s a face above here that is not that of Doctor McCoy. Or one of the nurses.

It takes a moment until her brain manages to connect the face with a name and another until she realizes that Lieutenant Montgomery Scott is not supposed to be standing above her.

“What are you doing here?”

“Visiting you,” he says with a smile, “Ye wanna sit up?”

Lucy nods and there’s a warm hand sliding between Bio-Bed and her back, pushing her up, another hand holding up her head and then she’s sitting upright and there are too many faces in front of her to be normal for this place and this hour.

Uhura pulls back her hands and eases her the Bio-Bed that Scotty has moved into the form of a seat. Chekov’s smiling at her from behind a PADD and Sulu takes a china cup from Keenser and holds it out for her so she can take a sip.

The tea runs down her throat, warms her up from the inside.

“What are you all doing here?” Lucy asks dumbfounded.

“Movie night,” Keenser explains and climbs onto the Bio-Bed next to her.

“Get down!”, Scotty ushers him, but Keenser doesn’t budge and Scotty sighs and lets him stay, turning back to Lucy instead.

“Ye’re off duty for tonight. I don’t know what caused your breakdown, but self-care is important. That’s why we’re going to watch a classic together.”

“What are we watching?” Lucy asks and turns her head to look at Uhura, voicing a soundless question in her direction. “Spock?”

Uhura smiles. “Spock will join us shortly. He had something to discuss with Doctor McCoy, but he is adamant about learning more about earth culture and will watch the movie with us.”

“I have decided,” Chekov pipes in, “We are watching a movie called Indiana Jones… The script was written in Russia. That’s why the landscape is so beautiful!”

Lucy furrows her brows but is unable to come up with an argument against it. The door of the CMO’s office opens and her focus shifts.

Spock looks as neutral as ever, stepping to them with his back straight and his arms folded behind.

“I see you are better,” he greets Lucy and takes his place next to Uhura, not looking back at Lucy.

She’s thankful for that and for the fact that he has seemingly kept the mind meld a secret. She doesn’t want to explain.

Doctor McCoy exits the office shortly after, closing the door behind him. When he turns around he looks at everyone but Lucy, careful to avoid her eyes.

“Alright. If y’all make too much noise, I’m gonna kick you out. I will be back in two hours to kick you out anyway.”

“But Doctor,” Scotty gets up, looking at him with that special look in his eyes, “Surely you’re staying with us, right?”

“I’d better not,” he argues, “I should take a look at Jim and finish my work on some files.”

“Get Jim,” Keenser pipes up and McCoy is not the only one who looks at him in surprise. It’s rare for the Roylan to talk and he has been talking a lot this day.

“What?”

“Yes,” Sulu nods in agreement, “Keenser is right. Take your look at Kirk and bring him here. He needs to see we’re still here.”

McCoy sighs and nods. “I will see what I can do.”

Med-bay is filled with quiet chatter. Lucy closes her eyes for a moment, relishing in the calm atmosphere.

Something touches her hand and she opens her eyes only to look into Spock’s.

She’s not sure if her assumptions are correct, but he looks concerned.

“I have conversed with Doctor McCoy about the reason for your breakdown,” he tells her with the same matter-of-fact-voice she’s used to hear from him, “And I have assured him that it was a necessity as well as a singular occurrence.”

“Of course,” Lucy assures him and licks her lips to add words she hasn’t even thought about yet when she’s interrupted by the swishing sound of the automatic doors.

Doctor McCoy is back.

He looks tired and his voice sounds tired too.

“Jim’s already asleep,” he tells them and Scotty pats the lone empty chair beside him. For a moment Lucy is sure he will turn the offer down and leave but then he takes a seat and leans back, groaning quietly. She can see the tension in his shoulders and knows exactly how it must feel.

“And what are we watching?” He asks, voice raspy and a chill runs down Lucys spine from the sound of it. Spock raises one eyebrow at her and she wonders how he can read her so well until she realizes he is still touching her arm.

Touch telepath, she remembers and pulls her arm towards her body.

The movie starts with an introduction from Chekov that is probably at least to 90 percent wrong but it doesn’t matter because it’s Friday evening and Lucy’s not only not at work, but in the middle of something that feels like a family get-together.

Half an hour into the movie the weight of her eyelids is heavier than her will to push against it and she lets them slid shut, telling herself that she’s only going to rest for a minute or so…


	21. Chapter 21

To everyone wondering: Yes, there’s still a lot planned to happen in this fic, not just sadness and grief

Warning: the ever threatening delight of a slow burn and a good old cliffhanger

-

Ark'a'li slips into her memories and it’s like one of those old fashioned LCD Monitors flickering to life, the pictures slightly pixelated if she was too close. And as if to humor her impression of outdated Television, her memory starts right in the middle, with her back pressed into the gym mats and Jim grinning down at her, the leftovers of a joke twinkling in his eyes.

She pulls at the memory with hands that she can’t see and it rips apart like a curtain, allowing her to stumble forward, her memories coming to life around her. She runs, something akin to panic coursing through her veins and only stops when she recognizes the white ceiling of med-bay above her.

If her life has a timeline, finding Quasar is the one moment that cuts it into before and after.

And this memory, she realizes when she drops down onto a Bio-Bed, her body heavy and aching, is when after starts.

Her eyes close and open again and there’s white, white, white above her. She sighs and listens to the beeping of the Bio-Bed, mulling half formed thoughts around in her head.

“Hey…” A voice croaks out beneath her and she turns her head to see Jim looking at her.

“Are you hurt?” Ark'a'li asks and he breathes out a surprised laugh at that.

“Am I hurt?” He asks and shakes his head in amusement, “Your grandfather almost killed you in that fight and you’re asking me if I’m hurt?”

“He couldn’t have killed me,” Ark'a'li mumbles and moves her arms slowly, testing her strength, “We are both Quasar descendants and cannot kill each other, you know that.”

“But he smashed in your nose,” Jim reminds her and she freezes and brings a hand up to her face, softly touching it. Nothing hurts, she can breathe easily and her fingers don’t find bandages.

“Don’t worry, your nose is still as cute as ever.”

Ark'a'li snorts. “My nose is not cute…”

“Right, you look like a pig,” Jim jokes but stretches out his hand, reaching over the space between the two Bio-Beds.

Ark'a'li takes it without thinking, linking their fingers together.

“But you’re still on a Bio-Bed,” she reminds him and shakes him out of his stupor like state, staring at their hands as if he’s seeing things.

“Yes,” he mumbles, voice hoarse again, “The guards wouldn’t believe me at first and one of them choked me pretty badly.”

He points at the skin on his neck that is still slightly purple and Ark'a'li breathes out a sigh, before swinging her legs off the bed, sitting up.

“Hey!” Jim pulls his hand from hers, “Don’t get up!”

She doesn’t listen and slips down from the bed, holding herself upright by gripping the frame. She feels awfully dizzy for a moment and her right leg stings, but she moves forward stubbornly until her knees hit Jim’s Bio-Bed and she slumps down in his lap.

“Ark'a'li?” He shakes her shoulders, “Are you okay? Please don’t die here!”

“I’m not dying,” she grumbles, righting herself and pushing his legs to the side so she can sit down next to him and look at him.

“You killed my grandfather?”

“You don’t remember?” Jim asks back, concern in his voice.

Ark'a'li licks her lips and nods her head.

“I remember everything,” she confesses easily, “It’s just still a bit chaotic in my head.”

“I understand,” he squeezes her shoulder softly and drops his hand again.

She smiles, can’t help herself.

“I don’t think you do, but that’s okay,” she tells him and stops, her eyes catching the purple marks on his neck again.

Before she can think of a reason not to, she reaches out and touches one of them with her fingertips.

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. We saved you and the whole planet, so it wasn’t the worst price to pay. Besides, the bad guys seem to like my neck.”

“It’s a pretty neck,” Ark'a'li agrees and his eyes crinkle when he smiles at that.

She licks her lips, nervous again. She didn’t think she would make it this far, thought she would die the day she found her origins.

But she’s alive and Jim is too and they are still best friends and… He hasn’t asked her out for at least half a year now, maybe he doesn’t want to anymore? Maybe her struggle to maintain a friendship and nothing more has been more successful than she wanted it too?

In the end, she will never know if she doesn’t ask and after all the times he has been the one who dared to voice the question, it’s her turn to do it.

“Ark'a'li?” He squeezes her shoulder again, his eyes so impossible blue, “Do I need to get you back onto your Bio-Bed?”

“Do you want to go out with me?” She asks, the words tumbling off her tongue a bit too fast, but she can see his eyes lighting up in surprise and his lips quirking up in a smile.

“You want to?” Jim asks back, “Now?”

“Yeah,” Ark'a'li breathes, “I mean, there’s nothing holding me back now, is it?”

“They might ask you if you want to stay, be a princess and that stuff,” he argues, but his hand has already taken hers, his thumb drawing soothing circles into her palm as if the touch might change her mind if necessary.

“That would be a pity,” Ark'a'li jokes, “Because I’m already an engineer on the Enterprise, right?”

“Yeah,” Jim breathes, his smile now threatening to burst his face, “It would be a real pity.”

“So…” Ark'a'li asks, her voice hushed and secretive, “Does that mean we’re going to start dating?”

“I think so,” Jim hushes back and moves forward, eyeing her lips for a moment, before moving up towards her eyes, “Would it be too forward if I’d kiss you now?”

“I don’t think so,” Ark'a'li whispers back, “Considering our history.”

He doesn’t comment on that, just kisses her, his lips soft on hers, his eyes wide open and still so incredibly blue. He pulls back just as quick, pressing one, two, three, more kisses on her lips, more and more until she giggles and feels lightheaded and she catches his face to keep him in place, laughing while kissing him back.

Ark'a'li can still feel her lips tingling and her heart dancing when the darkness around her moves and she drifts upwards to the surface of the pond. As soon as her face is out of the black liquid, she sucks in air and coughs, spitting out the liquid that she must have breathed in when she was thrown into the pond. She doesn’t even have a chance to move before her hands and legs are grabbed and she’s pulled out of the pond and placed on the floor beneath, face down. She moves her head to the side to be able to breathe while someone she can’t see touches her naked back. She’s lifted up again and turned around and even though she tries to see as much of her surroundings as possible, she can’t make out much more than green grass and the different shades of brown that must be the bodies of the tree people around her. Cool hands move across her stomach and then Mariah appears above her.

“Everything is healing nicely,” she tells her with a small smile, “We will work on your leg first, before taking care of your stomach so you can sit up if you want to?”

“Yes, please!” Mariah nods and says something in the language of the tree people and they move Ark'a'li again until she’s sitting up and she can finally see what is happening around her.

Trees, hundreds of trees, are standing around, some of them are looking at her, others are just walking by, minding their own business.

The grass is a rich shade of green, the pond is filled with a liquid that is so black it looks like it absorbs the scarce sunlight that filters through. Through the ceiling of branches and leaves, there’s only so much sky Ark'a'li can see and its color is gray, just gray.

She looks at herself instead, ashamed to find herself completely naked. Everyone is naked if you can call an unclothed tree naked.

No one seems to mind though and Ark'a'li decides that finding a way home is more important than being the only one dressed in a gathering of nudist trees.

The healer tree is working in on her leg and she inspects her abdomen in the meantime.

The skin is covered in black swirls that look like hundreds and thousands of leaves, but when she brushes her fingers over it, she can feel the still sensitive skin.

“We had to cut you open,” Mariah explains and points at her abdomen, “To get the stomach worm out.”

“Was it gross?” Ark'a'li asks, her mouth faster than her brain again, longing for the comfort of a horror story.

Mariah looks at her in surprise before nodding.

“It was. We had to give you rotten berries and you emptied your stomach, which was just a lot of bile and blood. And then we cut you open and the worm wasn’t happy about that.”

“Did you kill it?”

“No,” Mariah gets up, “We released it outside the forest. It might not be happy about his new environment, but that doesn’t mean we kill it.”

Ark'a'li senses that she’s said something wrong, but that doesn’t mean she will take it back. She doesn’t have to as long as it’s not getting in the way of her returning home.

A sharp pain shoots through her leg and she yells out. The trees react fast, clutching her body and holding it down before she can move around.

There is a mumbled conversation and the clanking sound of knives hitting against each other.

Ark'a'li tenses up, noticing the mood shift around her, anxious on what is going to happen next.

“Mariah!” She calls when no one tells her anything, “Mariah, what are you going to do?!”

Mariah appears above her, her voice is calm and collected, but also almost as emotionless as Spock’s and even though she starts with an apology, there is no such thing visible in her eyes.

“We have to cut your leg open, there is something still stuck inside.”

“Okay,” Ark'a'li agrees quickly, “If it’s necessary, okay. But you’re going to numb it?”

“The poison is already seeping into your bloodstream, there is no time to go and pick up some red birch bark.”

Ark'a'li doesn’t understand what a red birch bark is, but she understands the urgency and the fact that no one is willing to numb her leg.

“Okay,” she mumbles again and puts her own arm into her mouth to bite down on it, if necessary, “Just do it.”

And at the exact same time a dreadful scream fills the forest on Tuwek-114, Lucy wakes with a start from a dream she can’t remember.

“Awake?” A nurse steps up to her Bio-Bed, a PADD in hand, “Your scans have turned out very well. I have order from Dr. McCoy to release you from Med-Bay as soon as you wake up.”

Lucy shakes her head in disorientation, trying to find her place in the world.

“What time is it?”

“0900, Lieutenant,” the nurse helps her to sit up and leaves to get a cup of water for her.

Lucy accepts it with a mumbled thanks and drinks slowly.

“Is Doctor McCoy working?”

“He’s on the bridge right now.”

Lucy looks at the nurse from the corner of her eye, trying to remember her name. She is new, a friendly face she hasn’t seen before.

“Do you know when he will be back?”

The nurse smiles apologetically in response and Lucy bites back a sigh.

“Well, it can’t be helped. I will meet him somewhere else then.”

Her legs are still wobbly when she forces herself off the Bio-Bed and the friendly nurse hands her a fresh set of clothes and steps away, drawing a curtain around her bed to shield her from straying eyes.

She dresses quickly, gathers the few things she had with her and steps around the curtain just to come eye to eye with the CMO.

“Doctor McCoy,” she greets him, voice calm, not even thinking about looking away first.

“Lieutenant Singh,” he greets back, his own eyes wandering over her, not willing to stay still, just like the rest of his body.

He steps around her and into his office without another word.

She thinks about following him and thinks about leaving. Something about yesterday’s events must have hurt or angered him or both and she can’t take her actions back and can’t force him to feel different either. But with everything going on, she can’t lose him as an ally.

Lucy turns around, biting back a sigh, and walks through the open door of his office, closing it behind her. She opens her mouth to start a conversation she dreads to hold, but he cuts her to it, smacking a PADD into her arms.

“You might be monitoring the engines at night now, but you’re still a trained Nurse. Your first step should always be the medical files.” Leonard tells her with a voice so calm it has to be fake.

“I’m not going to read her files,” she snaps and he glares at her.

“Oh? Because a mind meld is so much better?”

“It was reasonable-”

He interrupts her again. “Do you believe that she’s dead?”

Lucy freezes, breath caught in her throat. “What?”

“Do you believe that she’s dead?” Leonard repeats his voice calmer this time but the same fire in his eyes.

She’s at a loss for words and he takes it as an answer she’s unable to give.

“You were her friend, obviously more than the rest of our group because she shared more with you than she did with us. You were close to her. Denial is a part of grieving, I understand that, but a mind-meld?”

“That’s not what I saw,” Lucy bursts out, “Did you think that’s what I wanted to see?”

He looks at her, quiet for a long, long moment, before crossing his arms in front of his chest. “It doesn’t matter what I thought.”

“It does,” she disagrees, “Let me explain…”

“I have to work,” Leonard tells her, cutting her off, “Just read her files instead of mind melding, do me the favor. I can’t use all my Lexorin on you.”

She looks at him, unable to find words that could cut through the wall he has suddenly pulled up between them.

“Alright, Doctor McCoy,” she straightens, “Will this be all, then?”

“Yes. You’re released, but please take care of yourself.”

“I will try,” she steps out of his office without another look back.

-

“How are you, Darling?” Her voice is warm, to show him she cares, but with a note of absence that has always told him that her mind is never quite fully there with him.

“I’m fine, mum, how are you?” Jim answers and his voice sounds just the same.

“Oh, I’m fine, honey. You know how work on a starship is, there’s always something to do, that keeps me busy. But you didn’t call to ask me how I am, right?”

“How do you know?” He asks, wishing for her to be his mother and not just the woman who gave birth to him.

“It’s unusual for you to be calling in the middle of the month,” she answers and he bites down on his shaking lip. She doesn’t grant him his wish.

There’s a raw feeling in his chest, loneliness and the awareness of how unfair life is sometimes like he has felt it as a kid, time after time.

“I want to talk about Dad,” he says, hears the raw, unveiled feelings in his voice and in the shocked breath she takes.

“Jim,” his mother whispers, with the same voice she uses every time he brings the topic up as if she’s really broken beyond repair.

And like every other time, his resolve to talk about it fades away with the little breathes she takes to calm herself down.

“You know what,” he mumbles, “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry I kept you from working.”

“Are you sure?” She asks, reluctance laced into the words. She doesn’t want to talk about her late husband, but she also doesn’t want him to know. Like that ever worked.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, before straightening, “I’m gonna call you in a week or so, mum, okay? Spock just commed me, I’m needed on the Bridge.”

“Oh, sure. Stay safe, Darling.”

“You too. Bye, Mom.”

“Bye.”

The call ends and he leans back in his seat, looking up at the ceiling of his room, hoping for answers to question he’s not able to ask.

There’s an unanswered call from Qui'raz'nuk waiting for him, but the thought of having to talk to Ark'a'lis father makes him sick. He wouldn’t be able to hide his feelings from those dark eyes, that always manage to look directly into his heart. He pulls out his PADD instead, forcing himself to work.

There hasn’t been much to do lately and he fills his times with detailed plans on how to change the Enterprise from one end to the other.

Spock had taken the request for changes in his department with never changing calmness. His next step was the security department. He wanted to work his way through all other departments before he closed in on Engineering and Medical, fully knowing that the heads of those two departments were the hardest to work with.

He needed to make sure his plans worked before presenting them to Bones and Scotty or they would pull them to shreds.

-

Lucy enters her quarters and drops the PADD on her desk before slipping under her blankets again, willing herself to sleep.

It won’t work.

She drinks three cups of tea made from a herbal mix she programmed into the Replicator herself, tries herself at breathing techniques and other things, but nothing will lull her to sleep, even though she feels like her energy has been sucked out through the IV in her arm.

When she realizes that nothing will work, she replicates herself a strong cup of coffee and a bowl of Dal, before taking a seat at her desk.

Without her intent, her eyes wander over to the innocent PADD loaded with not so innocent content. She knows McCoy is right, even though he’s misinformed, a mind-meld to see the inside of Ark'a'lis mind is more intrusive and risky than just reading her files. But how could she read Ark'a'lis files when she wasn’t even been able to touch Chris stuff?

He’s now more than four years dead and his belongings are still where he left them in their shared apartment, she only grabbed the bag he had packed himself and took it with her when she got back on the Enterprise without him, only to never look at it again.

Her eyes wander to the PADD again and she grabs it, and stuffs it into the back of her drawer, before getting up and pulling the box from the back of her closet, opening it before she can turn away again.

Right on top is his PADD, but the battery is empty and she plugs it in and leaves it on the table to look into it when the battery has recharged a bit, turning back to the box with newfound interest.

A few pictures, a set of comfy clothes he liked to wear around home, the shaving brush she had gifted him, stuff like that, that’s not essentially important but makes her remember him in a way that clenches her heart and leaves her fighting for air.

She misses him, just as much as she did four years ago. His death hasn’t lost any of its tragic to her and she presses her face into his sweater, unable to fight the tears.

Four years is a long time without the man you love, four years should be enough time to get over his death. But she still feels as desperate as the day she found out about it. She has moved forward, had managed to work on the Enterprise of all ships, had changed into Engineering, but she still feels as if she hasn’t taken even one step forward.

Lucy feels cold and alone, slips into the sweater that has lost it’s comforting scent long ago and pulls herself up with weak arms.

She needs to move forward somehow, needs to feel something else but grief and sadness and the loss.

Stumbling forward she reaches the desk and crashes onto the chair, pulling the PADD towards her.

His background picture is one of her, smiling up at the sun. Her fingers ache when she moves to press one down on the PADD, aiming to go through the files on them. It feels like snooping and she had never been the nosy type. But she asked admiralty to send everything to his PADD and only the inevitable to hers.

There are a few pictures of her and him, his autopsy report she still knows by heart and some books he liked to keep on it to read them when he got the time. All the files from school have been copied and deleted, but that isn’t what she cares about, as she opens a folder called “Pike, Christopher”. His birthplace, his parents, the schools he went to and the ships he served on.

“U.S.S. Muleskinner,” Lucy mumbles, thinking back at what she had seen in the mind meld. She can’t recall a ship name being mentioned, but it would fit with the timeline.

She opens the file about his time there and blinks surprised at the sheer amount of complaints.

In the last year of his time on the Muleskinner, he had sent in complaints about the Captain and the First Officer as well as multiple requests titled with an unfamiliar number.

Complaint Code 356 is about the treatment of subordinates and Complaint Code 784 is about uncivilized behavior, that’s as much as Lucy remembers from her Academy days, but the Request Code 932 doesn’t ring a bell.

And he has sent 14 requests in his last year on the Muleskinner.

Lucy opens the first of them and gasps in shock.

Request for adoption of Hybrid Ark'a'li Marianne Guyet, she reads and her eyes race over the rest of the request, his arguments and his offer to provide for the girl’s needs with his salary alone. A Lieutenant doesn’t earn a lot, Lucy knows, but she also knows Chris. He would have calculated everything before offering it.

There are 14 adoption requests in his last year on the Muleskinner, and all of them were denied, first from his superior alone, the later ones from the admiralty as well.

Lucy closes the file and accesses the next folder. More request files. All of them are denied. He sent in a request for every month for more than seven years, following Ark'a'li’s record. She had moved from starbase to starbase, never staying longer than a year in one place. And then, a notification from Sinar.

Lucy opens it with a feeling of dread lingering in her stomach.

“We are sorry to inform you that Starbase FWX 325 in Sinar has been attacked by a group of violent rebels. Nine crewmen were killed immediately, twelve were severely injured and the three children captured from the school station there could not be found and are assumed dead. We have been informed that you are the closest living person to be considered a relative to Ark’a’li Marianne Guyet, who was one of the three captured children. There are no personal belongings to send to you.

Please accept our condolences,

The Crew of Starbase FWX325”

Lucy stares at the file in confusion. That doesn’t make sense.

She looks at the PADD on the other side of her desk, the one loaded with Ark’a’li’s Files. The answer to her question must be on it.

-


	22. Chapter 22

Three knocks, a short break, two more knocks.

It’s a bit silly to have a secret knocking code on a starship equipped with the latest technology, but it’s the friendliest way to let Jim know it’s him that Leonard can think of.

The code was Jim’s idea, like every silly thing in their friendship was Jim’s idea, and it dates back to a time where Commander Spock had been very obsessed with some reports - and Jim had hidden in his quarters.

Was that before or after he had befriended Ark’a’li, Leonard thought. It must have been before Nibiru, he concluded when the door opened and Jim looked at him with tired eyes.

“What do you want, Bones?”

“Talk to me,” he slips past Jim and into the quarters, that are cleaner than he has ever seen them before.

“Did you tidy up?”

“A bit,” Jim walks up to his desk and plops down, pushing his PADD and an important looking book to the side.

“Do you wanna drink something?”

“Will you drink with me?” Leonard asks back and Jim gets up, puts two glasses under the replicator and carries them back to the table.

“I hope you like grape juice.”

Leonard eyes him carefully before speaking, trying to see if there’s the faintest trace of a joke trailing in his friend’s voice, but he sounds serious.

“I don’t, but my liver will love the change.”

Jim snorts a little, covering the amusement with the detached face he has worn all week.

Leonard takes a sip from the juice, grimacing at the sweetness. Lordy.

He puts the glass on the table again, nodding towards the book.

“Still working?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jim pats the book softly, “Reading the Rule book relaxes me. Better than sleeping pills, I guess. And we’re a bit behind in some departments. Spock’s currently fixing the science department.”

“Are you telling me that Spock, of all people, is behind on the rules? Didn’t think I’d live to see that day.”

“‘s not the rules, Bones, he’s behind, just some adjustments. We will see how much good they do before moving on to other departments.”

“So you’re keeping yourself busy?”

“I try,” Jim confesses and it’s the most honest he’s been all week.

Leonard licks his lips, afraid to destroy the moment building up between them when Jim does it himself.

“I just don’t want to talk about it, okay? Don’t ask me about it, don’t tell me anything about it. It’s hard enough without everyone pushing it into my face.”

“Ignoring it won’t help you either, but- no, let me finish, please,” he stops Jim from cutting him off and takes a deep breath, “But I’m your friend and I want to be there for you if you want to talk or not. Just know that if you feel like talking, I’ll listen and know that it’s good for you.”

“I know,” Jim gets up to stand beside his chair, his legs fidgeting restlessly, “It’s just hard. I wanted to talk to Mom about it… She of all people should know how it feels like, but… I couldn’t do it. She’s still as upset about it as ever and I haven’t even told her that I and A- … that we started dating. ‘s not fair to just… throw it into her face.”

“It would do her good, maybe,” Leonard mumbles, unable to stop himself, “To talk about it. It gets heavier over the years if you don’t talk about it.”

“How do you know?” Jim snaps back and Leonard looks at him, not moving, not speaking, waiting for his friend’s shoulders to slouch down again, for him to relax before he answers.

“Y’all ain’t the only ones who’ve lost someone. Just because it was my dad doesn’t mean it didn’t shake me.”

“Sorry.”

“‘s okay. You’re upset. Just don’t do anything stupid over it, okay? I already have Lucy to fret over.” Leonard stretches awkwardly when he realizes what has slipped past his lips. He doesn’t want to tell Jim about the mind-meld. Lord knows what ideas that will plant in the kid’s head.

“Lucy?” Jim sits down again, “Why would you fret over her?”

“She’s going round, asking about the kid, wants to get to know her. Didn’t she ask you stuff?”

“No, she didn’t. Not that I would have cared to talk,” Jim admits, before nodding to himself, “She must try to distract herself too… But why would you fret over her?”

There’s a smile tugging at Jim’s lips, a tiny one and a tired one too, but it’s there.

“I’m the CMO, I have to fret over everyone in the Crew.”

“But you named her in particular.”

“Yeah, because with you being unusually careful, she’s next in line to get herself in trouble.”

“Don’t deny it, you like her!”

“I’m gonna write you up for harassment!”

“I’m gonna write you up for insubordination, then!”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

Leonard feels better when he exits Jim’s quarters. It’s a start, a small step, but it’s a step into the right direction. Now he only needs to deal with Lieutenant Stubborn Singh.

-

Jim looks at the door that has closed behind his friend, the easy smile slowly slipping of his lips as silence takes over his quarters.

“So you’re already joking around again? Didn’t take you long, huh?”

He sighs and closes his eyes, fights to open them again.

“You’re not real,” he hums, unable to speak as loud as the voice he hears.

“No, I’m not,” she agrees easily, “We both know that. But you’re still imagining me and you’re imagining me talking to you about it. You’re weird.”

“You knew that from the start,” he teases and opens his eyes.

He can see her sitting on his bed, not because she’s there, but because he has seen her so many times.

“Are we together today?”

“I am your imagination, you tell me,” she quips back and flops down on the bed, makes a snow angel on the bedspread and laughs up at him, “Well, are we?”

“No,” he grips the chair harder, knows she will vanish when he tries to touch her. He wants her to stay with him as long as she possibly can.

“Oh, the good old times, then. Your Jim Impossible Kirk and I’m your best female friend.”

“You could be more.”

“Oh please,” she laughs and rolls herself over so she can look at him, “This is getting old. Why are you still trying to make me go out with you?”

“Because you love me.”

“I’m your imagination, Jim. Of course, I love you. But you’re the one dreaming me as your best friend. Not your lover.”

“I lost my lover,” he admits, “And that’s cruel enough. I just want my best female friend back. I don’t want to lose booth.”

“Life doesn’t let you choose,” she answers and he blinks for a moment to fight back the tears, but when he looks at the bed she’s gone again.

He doesn’t panic anymore like he did the last few times.

The fact that he’s talking with his memories should frighten him, but he can’t fight it and he won’t. Jim’s trying to be the Captain the Enterprise needs, the Captain Ark’a’li should have had. One that made sure that everything worked as it should be and that accidents like her didn’t happen.

He was ready to work hard for that and a bit harder to make up for the fact that he wasn’t willing to fight his own memories haunting him. That he wasn’t able to.

-

Leonard rings the bell once, then twice.

The door opens with the angriest sound an automatic door could manage and Lucy Singh looks straight through him.

“What?” She asks, her voice raspy, her breathing almost erratic, her eyes moving over him in a frantic way.

“Woman! What did you do?” He’s worried, insanely so, but his voice sounds more like anger than anything else.

It makes her snap out of it nonetheless and she looks at him with clearer eyes.

“Leonard? What are you doing here?”

“Looking after you! What did you do? Run a marathon?”

“I found something,” she ignores his question, grabs his arm and pulls him into her quarters.

The floor is covered in clothes and other stuff that look like they don’t belong to here, but she steps past them, bows down and grabs three different PADDs from the floor, struggling to hold them all at the same time.

Her hair is a mess, he notices, the braid falling apart and wisps of black hair surround her face like a dark halo.

“Didn’t I tell you to take care of yourself?”

She dares to shush him, holding a PADD out to him.

“Read, here!”

He looks at her, then down at the monitor.

“An adoption request?”

She freezes and pulls back the PADD, moving her finger over the monitor before handing it back to him.

“This,” she tells him, her voice thick with something he wants to know more about, but doesn’t know how to voice the question.

So he reads the letter instead, furrowing his brows in confusion.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Is this about… about our Ark’a’li?”

“There is no other Ark’a’li in this Universe that we know of.” Lucy’s answer is short and on point.

Leonard licks his lips, his heart feels like it’s struggling to beat the right way because this doesn’t make sense.

“Why are you showing me this?”

“There is no further mention of her. As far as Christopher knew, Ark’a’li died on Sinar.”

“But she didn’t,” Leonard breathes, “Her files state that she lived there for three years in the outskirts of the City of Hatuyombe.”

Lucy looks at him in surprise and he shrugs nonchalantly.

“What? I am her CMO.”

“A CMO doesn’t have to read the files so carefully.”

“I saw the scars on her back, I wanted to know where she got them.”

“Scars?” Lucy shakes her head, “No, that’s not about… Listen, Ark’a’li is still alive.”

Forget the heart struggling how to beat, Leonard is sure he stopped for a second.

“What?” His question sounds more like a laugh and there’s an itching in his throat and a sting in his knees and he feels like this is not the right moment to find out that Lucy has lost her mind. It’s not the right moment for anyone to lose his mind about a topic like that.

“Ark’a’li,” Lucy repeats patiently, “She’s alive. She has to be.”

“What… What are you talking about?” There. His voice sounds like himself again, a bit emotionless maybe, but not like he’s struggling to stay on his feet at least.

“Everything makes sense,” Lucy pushes her hand through her hair before pushing the PADDs together again, looking at another one.

“It looked like she died, but she didn’t. They kept her survival secret after that and Christopher never knew about it until she stepped into his office at the Academy in San Francisco, but he’s requested a release of the data and they sent it to him after his death and it says she stayed with the Rebels for one year, before leaving them. She survived one year, one entire year, on her own in the Wilderness of Sinar! She has the skills to survive Tuwek-114! She-”

“She died, Lucy,” he interrupts her, his blood running ice cold through his veins, “Spock saw her fall and he found what was left of her. She is dead.”

“No!” She protests, clutching the PADDs to her chest, “No, she isn’t! She-”

He steps closer and she steps back.

“Lucy, calm down. This must be an after effect of the Lexorin. You are not yourself.”

“Leonard, I am sure of this!” She insists and her voice is calm again. He wants to believe her, but he knows better. Lexorin is a drug, after all, a chemical that alters the way your brain works, just like a mind-meld does.

“It’s alright,” he assures her and puts one hand on her left shoulder, trying to reassure her as much as he needs her to stay in one place, “We will look into this, together. Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” She asks and he flings his arm forward like he has been trained to at the Academy for a situation he had hoped to never be in. She flinches back, trying to avoid the Hypo, but he had excelled in this training like he had in everything else and she’s tired and spent. The sedation works immediately, her knees giving away beneath her. He has to carry her into her bed and he’s careful to take the PADDs from her that don’t belong to her, storing them in the bag she’s left on the floor.

He does not need to clean up after her, but the guilt has settled heavily in his gut. He can’t bring himself to face something else but the quietness of Lucy’s quarters until he has stored the belongings of the late Captain Pike himself in the black bag she must have found them in.

He does not want to take the bag with him, but he does not want to leave it with her either. A sedation will not wipe her memory and even with the effect of the Lexorin gone, the mind is still easy to be fooled, even more, when we want to believe.

When Leonard leaves her Quarters, he does not feel like Chief Medical Officer McCoy anymore. He does not feel like Bones, Jim Kirks best friend either, or Leonard, the man who cared about a woman who had become a friend.

Instead, he feels like the man in the leather jacket that tried to hide in the bathroom of a shuttle, that carried a flask, that had nothing to go back to, so he moved forward.

He feels like the man who didn’t want to have a name but couldn’t shake the one he already had and he can only hope that tomorrow there will be a different day.

-

When Ark’a’li wakes up this time, there is no one holding her down.

She sits up cautiously, makes sure to look around and see what is going on and who might be guarding her. There is no time to waste with remembering her dreams or wishing herself back. But she allows herself to smile at the fact that Jim liked to do that when they had the time in the morning. Ask her what she had dreamt and tell her with exaggerated words and gestures what his mind had come up with during the night. A silly pastime, maybe, but a cherished one.

The trees have left her on the edge of the pond and for a moment no one seems to notice that she has moved. She stills and looks around again. The tree people stand still and if she didn’t know it better, she would believe them to be nothing more than trees and the clearing to be smaller than it actually is. Even Mariah is nowhere to be seen.

She will have to be careful.

The skin beneath the tattoo on her abdomen does not feel sensitive to her touch anymore, but there are more tattooed leaves on her skin then there were when she had woken up the last time. They must have worked on it when she had passed out from the pain. Her leg is almost completely black from the toes right up to her knee, the pattern of leaves only noticeable where there’s more fair skin visible beneath it.

Her back is stiff, but if that is all left of the broken vertebrae, she’s happy. She pushes herself up on her legs now, fighting back the shame at her nudity and expecting her leg to hurt. After the pain she had during the treatment, it should hurt, but there’s nothing, just the strength she knows from herself. A bit stiff maybe, as if she’s slept too long and skipped a few gym days.

She jumps, once, twice, but there’s no pain and Ark’a’li picks up a pace, jogging around the pond, looking out for the tree people that still have not moved.

How fast do tree people run, she wonders. Their legs are longer than hers. If they know how to use them, she won’t be able to outrun them with speed alone and she doesn’t know the terrain even half as good as them.

She doesn’t dare to risk everything by planning to hide. Trees that speak? How much of this planet’s nature is intelligent enough to hold a decent conversation with her?

A Starfleet officer has to be able to come up with solutions quickly.

This isn’t about engineering problems, that’s for sure, and her other studies will only be able to help her so much, but one does not survive the Wilderness of Sinar without picking up one or two skills.

When the cracking of wood tells her that she’s no longer alone with her thoughts, Ark’a’li has come up with the simplest of plans.

First, don’t die.

Second, get more information.

Who can I trust, where will I find the abandoned science outpost? Who are those tree people?

Third, don’t trust anyone. Especially not Mariah.

“So you’re awake?” Mariah steps up to her, carrying something in her arms that looks like a bunch of pimply black apples.

Ark’a’li is bigger than her, towering over her easily. She focuses on the other woman’s hairline because no matter how serious this situation feels, the day she feels comfortable with nudity will be the day she die- no, she thinks, biting down on her tongue, she’s not going to think this through.

“Shouldn’t I be?” Ark’a’li asks back instead and looks at Mariah’s face, careful to catch even the smallest shift in her facial expressions. But there’s none.

Mariah is either directly related to Spock or has a very good poker face.

“It is good to see that your injuries have healed so well. I have brought you food.”

She hands her own of the pimply black apples. “The tro’ve call them plu-e. I don’t think there is a word in our language for that, I call them black apples.”

“Figures,” Ark’a’li mumbles and bites into the apple, only to spit it out right away.

The taste is horrible, something like rotten meat, addled eggs and dung that has started to ferment, it burns her tongue, bites in her nose and makes her eyes tear. She tries to get it out of her mouth, but it lingers and she fears she will never get it out of her memory either.

“What-?!” She chokes and Mariah picks up the black apple Ark’a’li has dropped and holds it out for her.

“Plu-e. They taste horrible, I know, but you will get used to it. Pond water has all the nutritions you need, but if you don’t eat solid food, you will lose your strength.”

“I can’t eat that!”

Mariah looks at her, her dark eyes void of any emotion. No anger, no amusement.

“You will,” she says eventually and forces the apple back into her hand, “If you can eat Romulan Stomach worms, you shouldn’t make a fuss about plu-e.”


End file.
